Monday, January 6, 2014

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 10 - "Catfight On The Catwalk"

Sexy Unique Rectum.
The fight at Sur concludes...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - My dog was eaten by a hungry Kyle Richards, you fucking MONSTERS!

MICHAEL OHOVEN - Wait, is that true?

LISA VANDERPUMP - It's not true. And Brandi, please stop swearing.


YOLANDA FOSTER - Let me handle this, Pumps. **turns on soothing Dutch maternal charm** Can you go cry in the car, please?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Fine. **goes to cry in the car**

YOLANDA FOSTER - She really is a lovely person when she's not spewing filthy Hershey squirt words. Trust me.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Trust you? In the way Ben Vereen trusted your husband before he was brutally run down in the street?

YOLANDA FOSTER  - Listen, you emaciated, poor vocab-having twat, I will -

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah ah ah, Yolanda, watch your filthy Hershey squirt language...

YOLANDA FOSTER - You're right. **regains composure** Lemons, anyone? **takes wedge from her purse, squeezes indiscriminately**

Carlton and David arrive at a tattoo parlor...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Remember last time we were at one of these?

DAVID GEBBIA - Yep. We were so drunk we thought it was the emergency room and I needed that monkey-shaped butt plug extracted from my ass.

TATTOO ARTIST - I remember that time, too, and I'm pretty sure neither of you are allowed back on the premises. **points to photograph of Carlton and David with "NOT WELCOME" written underneath it**

CARLTON GEBBIA - Well, maybe you'll feel differently when I tell you about the very expensive project I have for you today.

TATTOO ARTIST - If it's a memorial image of the monkey-shaped butt plug, there's already a stock image in the binder over there.

CARLTON GEBBIA - No, I'd like to get these three words tattooed on my back: Destiny, mystery and cross.

TATTOO ARTIST - What is that, like, some kind of witchy mantra?

CARLTON GEBBIA - No, those are the names of my children.

TATTOO ARTIST - Hahahaha. Good one.

DAVID GEBBIA -She's fucking serious, bro.

TATTO ARTIST - SECURITY! **points to photograph on wall, they are escorted out**

The dog trainer brings Kingsley back from boot camp...

DOG TRAINER - Ok, Miss Richards, show me what you've learned.

KIM RICHARDS - Mr. Drummond, Arnold didn't steal that bicycle.


KIM RICHARDS - Sorry, I was having a flashback. 

DOG TRAINER - Let's pick up the pace, here. I'm scheduled to kick another dog in the face at noon.

KIM RICHARDS - Ok. Here I go.  Kingsley, CHECK. Kingsley, CHECK. Kingsley, CHECCCCKKKK.

DOG TRAINER - Ooooooh. Yeah, girl. I'm digging this authoritative side of you. You free to meet at Fatburger before my noon appointment?

KIM RICHARDS - I'm sorry. The only love in my life is drugs.


KIM RICHARDS - Er, I meant, sobriety. The only love in my life is sobriety.

DOG TRAINER - Suit yourself. **masturbates**

Kyle takes Joyce golfing...

KYLE RICHARDS - I thought we were going golfing.


KYLE RICHARDS - Then why can I see the tips of your strange little boobie implants?

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - It's not like we're going to church.

KYLE RICHARDS -True, I guess.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN -  Except, FYI, I will forgive Brandi just as our Lord and Savior has forgiven us all for our sins.

KYLE RICHARDS - Dude, I'm a Jew. Save it for the Bellinos.

At Kyle's fashion show...

JAMIE LEE CURTIS - Hello. I am Jamie Lee Curtis, and while I am rumored to have a dick, I actually have neither male nor female reproductive organs.

KYLE RICHARDS - Can we talk about sick kids now?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS -  Oh, really? I'm surprised you don't want to talk about your days as a child actor first, you raging narcissist.

KYLE RICHARDS - I was saving that for after the show.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS -  Okay, let's bring out the weird skinny people who are rarely very cute in the face.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - **walks, is not very cute in the face**

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Here goes everything. **hogs the catwalk for a full 3 minutes**

KYLE'S DAUGHTER -  **awkwardly walks with her friend** Fuck my mom fuck my mom fuck my mom.

KYLE RICHARDS - **to daughter** I'm so proud of you. More specifically, I'm proud of myself for forcing you to do something so focused on vanity.

KYLE'S DAUGHTER - Mom, can I go I play xbox now?

KYLE RICHARDS - Only if it's a fashion games with lots of caftans.

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