Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 5 - "The Late Bloomer and the Gay Hugh Hefner"

Rosie Pierri.

In Patti's office...

PATTI STANGER - WHEW! I just got done boxing with my weird-looking boyfriend, and boy is my gunt tired.

PATTI'S ASSISTANT JUSTIN - We get it, you're in a relationship. Christ.

PATTI'S ASSISTANT MARISA  - Patti, Do you remember Rosie from Real Housewives of New Jersey?

PATTI STANGER - Is she the butch one who threatened to murder Teresa Giudice?

MARISA - Yep. She also told Teresa to take it up the ass.

PATTI STANGER - So did you see her at Fatburger or something?

MARISA - No, she's this week millionairess.

PATTI STANGER -  Great, another non-local tertiary reality character who has nowhere near a million dollars.

MARISA - Sorry, Jennifer Aniston isn't exactly knocking down your door.

PATTI STANGER - Who else do we have this week? The midget from The Surreal Life?

PATTI'S ASSISTANT DAVID -  No, we have Andrew Christian, the designer of the jock straps twinks wear in gay porn.

MARISA - And his name is Verne Troyer, thank you very much.

Patti meets Rosie at a restaurant...

PATTI STANGER - Hi Rosie! I see you brought your parents with you.

KATHY WAKILE - Parents?! Fuck that Dr. Perricone.

ROSIE PIERRI - These aren't my parents. This is my cannoli-eating sister and her perv husband.

RICH WAKILE - Hey Patti, can you introduce me to some hot lesbos? I mean, my sister-in-law. Can you introduce my sister-in-law to some hot lesbos.

PATTI STANGER - I can give you the latter but I can't promise the former.

BISEXUAL - Hello. I'm a bisexual here for the mixer.

PATTI STANGER - Okay, looks like I can't give you the latter either. Things have been weird since Destin and Rachel left.

 Patti meets with Andrew Christian...

ANDREW CHRISTIAN - I'm tired of having hot sex with gorgeous twinks. I'm ready to open a small gift shop with a 33-year-old college graduate.

PATTI STANGER -  Did you mean any of what you just said?

ANDREW CHRISTIAN - No, but I realize if I'm going to get exposure for my brand, I've got to do what it takes. 

PATTI STANGER - I hear you. Would you like a "No Going In, In, or In"™ key chain?

ANDREW CHRISTIAN - Um, no thank you.

Patti holds a luncheon mixer for Andrew...

PATTI STANGER - Now remember my rule. No sex before...

PATTI STANGER - No. Monogamy.


PATTI STANGER -  If you really want to see lame, meet this ginger from Harvard.

SCOTT - I'm Scott. I'm a recruiter for an accounting firm.  

DANIEL - I'm Daniel. I like to grow zucchinis and then stick them up my asshole.


Patti introduces Rosie to some lesbians at the luncheon...

PATTI STANGER - So, ladies, let's talk about perverse sexual things to make this freshly-out lesbian as uncomfortable as possible.

LESBIAN I -  I like to do it with my Tevas on.

LESBIAN II -  I like to do it in the U Haul I'm driving to her house after our second date.

GUINEVERE TURNER -  I prefer not to perform slow, exceptional cunnilingus and tell.


Rosie and Guin go kayaking...

ROSIE PIERRI - Whoa, you wore a dress to go kayaking? 

GUINEVERE TURNER - Whoa, you wore a t-shirt that says something about you being fat on a first date?

ROSIE PIERRI - Sorry. I'm from Jersey. I say exactly what's on my mind.

GUINEVERE TURNER -  I, too, say exactly what's on my mind, but the difference is that my mind is educated and complex.


Andrew takes Daniel to San Diego...

WAITER - Two SlamaJamaRitas, coming right u - HEY! Andrew, remember me? I used to model for you and then finger your tuchus backstage?

ANDREW CHRISTIAN - Oh hey person who was not selected by the producers to approach me when I'm on a date.

DANIEL -  Wow, you are super popular here in San Diego.

ANDREW CHRISTIAN - Who, me? Nah. Hey, guess what? There's a fashion show being held for me right down the street! Let's check it out!

DANIEL - Remember when you called out the waiter for being part of a setup?

ANDREW CHRISTIAN -  Yeah, but this is different cuz I really do want to see you in your underwear.

DANIEL - You mean your underwear.

ANDREW CHRISTIAN -  Crap, you're swift.

**Daniel models and flips his little weenie around**


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