Patti catches up with a rich garbage man...
GARBAGE MAN - I'm here to thank you. You helped me find a woman who loves me for my money.
PATTI STANGER - You mean a woman who loves you for you.
GARBAGE MAN - No, I meant for my money. We now have a baby who also loves me for my money.
PATTI STANGER - Glad to be of assistance. Now if you'll excuse me, there are more greasy dudes out there who need my help.
GARBAGE MAN - Wait, Patti. I have a friend who needs you.
PATTI STANGER - I already have a "friend" who needs me three times a week and I don't even get naturally lubricated anymore. I'm tired.
GARBAGE MAN - No he needs your professional services. Please meet Joe.
JOE BAYEN - Hi I'm Joe. I'm from Cameroon.
PATTI STANGER - What the fuck is a camera moon?
JOE BAYEN - Cameroon is a country in Africa.
PATTI STANGER - How the hell am I supposed to know every country in the world? What will you expect me to know next, the name of our president?
JOE BAYEN - Hey, I actually know him. **shows her a photo of himself shaking hands with President Obama**
PATTI STANGER - Okay you're in. I don't know who that dude is, but he looks hot.
Patti meets Frank Cerino from Fort Lauderdale...
FRANK CERINO - Hello, I'm an attorney. I have a Bentley and a futon.
PATTI STANGER - Anything else about you worth knowing?
FRANK CERINO - I'm a leg man.
PATTI STANGER - A simple "no" would have sufficed.
At the bikini mixer...
ASSISTANT WITH BAD HIGHLIGHTS - Patti, I have some bad news...
PATTI STANGER - If you're here to tell me about your camel toe, I already saw it. Other species living on Mars have seen it, too.
ASSISTANT - No, its not that. Frank Cerino has decided not to come to the mixer.
PATTI STANGER - That's absurd. There are five women here who look like Eva Longoria if she'd gotten her face caught in a garbage disposal. It's his dream come true.
ASSISTANT - Sorry, I guess he thought being on a reality show would jeopardize the respect people have for him in his professional and personal lives.
PATTI STANGER - Now that's just foolish. Joe, which of these bikini-clad whores would you like to take on a date?
JOE BAYEN - Patti, not all of them are whores. In fact, one is a law student at a non-accredited online law school.
PATTI STANGER - Oh, you mean Natalie?
JOE BAYEN - I don't know her name, but it's an impressive feat to only be 12 and get into law school.
Patti meets up with former client Teague Eagan...
PATTI STANGER -Teague, I have the perfect girl for you. She's from another country, doesn't speak much English, and... that's about it.
TEAGUE EAGAN - Whatever bro.
PATTI STANGER - Now there's the attitude I've come to know and love from you. Teague, this is YoliBeth.
TEAGUE EAGAN - Whatever bro.
PATTI STANGER - Why don't the two of you roll some dough in silence while me and the burn victim protectively look on.
TEAGUE EAGAN - I guess bro. **Silence**
PATTI STANGER - Um.... Yoli, did you know Teague is going to run the Boston Marathon? He clearly cares about the greater good.
TEAGUE EAGAN - Nah. I just like to run bro.
PATTI STANGER - Not the way to frame it, Teague!
YOLIBETH - I just like to run, too... Bro. **they stare into each others eyes**
PATTI STANGER - I guess as a 39-year-old I can be somewhat out of touch.
PATTI'S BOYFRIEND DAVID - I've counted the rings on that tree, and it ain't no 39.
PATTI STANGER - Shut up, weird face.
Joe takes Natalie on a date...
JOE BAYEN - So what do 12-year-old students of non-accredited online law schools like to do for fun?
NATALIE - Oh, you know, adult things. Volleyball on the beach in high-waisted shorts, Moscato tastings, discussions about net worth.
JOE BAYEN - What a coincidence, French African app developers with 40 million dollars like to do the same things! **they stare at each other platonically**
PATTI STANGER - Damn, I'm good.