Friday, December 27, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 4 - "The Running Man and Great Expectations"


Joe Bayen.


Patti catches up with a rich garbage man...

GARBAGE MAN - I'm here to thank you. You helped me find a woman who loves me for my money.

PATTI STANGER -  You mean a woman who loves you for you.

GARBAGE MAN  -  No, I meant for my money. We now have a baby who also loves me for my money.

PATTI STANGER  - Glad to be of assistance. Now if you'll excuse me, there are more greasy dudes out there who need my help.

GARBAGE MAN  - Wait, Patti. I have a friend who needs you.

PATTI STANGER -  I already have a "friend" who needs me three times a week and I don't even get naturally lubricated anymore. I'm tired.

GARBAGE MAN - No he needs your professional services. Please meet Joe.

JOE BAYEN - Hi I'm Joe. I'm from Cameroon.

PATTI STANGER - What the fuck is a camera moon?

JOE BAYEN - Cameroon is a country in Africa.

PATTI STANGER - How the hell am I supposed to know every country in the world? What will you expect me to know next, the name of our president?

JOE BAYEN - Hey, I actually know him. **shows her a photo of himself shaking hands with President Obama**

PATTI STANGER - Okay you're in. I don't know who that dude is, but he looks hot.




Patti meets Frank Cerino from Fort Lauderdale...

FRANK CERINO - Hello, I'm an attorney. I have a Bentley and a futon.

PATTI STANGER -  Anything else about you worth knowing?

FRANK CERINO -  I'm a leg man.

PATTI STANGER - A simple "no" would have sufficed.




At the bikini mixer...

ASSISTANT WITH BAD HIGHLIGHTS - Patti, I have some bad news...

PATTI STANGER - If you're here to tell me about your camel toe, I already saw it. Other species living on Mars have seen it, too.

ASSISTANT - No, its not that. Frank Cerino has decided not to come to the mixer.

PATTI STANGER - That's absurd. There are five women here who look like Eva Longoria if she'd gotten her face caught in a garbage disposal. It's his dream come true.

ASSISTANT - Sorry, I guess he thought being on a reality show would jeopardize the respect people have for him in his professional and personal lives.

PATTI STANGER -  Now that's just foolish. Joe, which of these bikini-clad whores would you like to take on a date?

JOE BAYEN -  Patti, not all of them are whores. In fact, one is a law student at a non-accredited online law school.

PATTI STANGER -  Oh, you mean Natalie?

JOE BAYEN - I don't know her name, but it's an impressive feat to only be 12 and get into law school.



Patti meets up with former client Teague Eagan...

PATTI STANGER  -Teague, I have the perfect girl for you. She's from another country, doesn't speak much English, and... that's about it.

TEAGUE EAGAN - Whatever bro.

PATTI STANGER - Now there's the attitude I've come to know and love from you. Teague, this is YoliBeth.

TEAGUE EAGAN - Whatever bro.

PATTI STANGER - Why don't the two of you roll some dough in silence while me and the burn victim protectively look on.

TEAGUE EAGAN  - I guess bro. **Silence**

PATTI STANGER - Um.... Yoli, did you know Teague is going to run the Boston Marathon? He clearly cares about the greater good.

TEAGUE EAGAN - Nah. I just like to run bro.

PATTI STANGER -  Not the way to frame it, Teague!

YOLIBETH - I just like to run, too... Bro. **they stare into each others eyes**

PATTI STANGER -  I guess as a 39-year-old I can be somewhat out of touch.

PATTI'S BOYFRIEND DAVID - I've counted the rings on that tree, and it ain't no 39.

PATTI STANGER - Shut up, weird face.




Joe takes Natalie on a date...

JOE BAYEN - So what do 12-year-old students of non-accredited online law schools like to do for fun?

NATALIE -  Oh, you know, adult things. Volleyball on the beach in high-waisted shorts, Moscato tastings, discussions about net worth.

JOE BAYEN - What a coincidence, French African app developers with 40 million dollars like to do the same things! **they stare at each other platonically**

PATTI STANGER - Damn, I'm good.


THE END.

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