Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 8 - "She Hearts You, She Hearts You Not"

Brandi Glanville

Brandi hangs posters for her missing dog...

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  I'm going to put signs all over town, but it doesn't matter because coyotes have been feasting on Chica's corpse like it's Kyle at Old Country Buffet. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - You've got to be positive! That's how I sell three houses in one day to transexual prostitutes, right, Portia? 

PORTIA UMANSKY -  Whatever.

KYLE RICHARDS -  Mauricio is right, Brandi. Positivity is why my face looks 30 and my hands look 200. Right, Portia?

PORTIA UMANSKY - Whatever. 

KIM RICHARDS - Look at the sign I made! It's a picture of Chica wearing a sombrero. 

BRANDI GLANVILLE  - As much as a I appreciate all of your help, guys, I think I'd like to be alone.

PORTIA UMANSKY  - Please fucking take me with you. 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Sorry, kid. Tough break. 

At Carlton's house...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Elizy, I need your help decorating my sex dungeon. 

ELIZY - Oh, master, you are so cheeky. So, um, do you think you'll be able to pay me on time this month?

CARLTON GEBBIA -  A master never pays her slave! Oh, look, my new ball gag mask.

ELIZY -  Looks like you certainly have the money to purchase these essential novelties. 

CARLTON GEBBIA -  I'll reward you in spankings, little monkey.  

ELIZY - I knew daddy was right when he said I should have taken that paralegal certification course.

CARLTON GEBBIA - **pinches Elizy's nipples with a clamp** Tee hee. 

ELIZY - Ouch!

At Yolanda's dinner party...

YOLANDA FOSTER - Carlton just called to cancel. She said she's sick. 

DAVID FOSTER -  I don't know much about etiquette, but cancelling at 6:45 seems very gauche. I do know, however, that trashing an invited guest in front of cameras is perfectly acceptable. 

YOLANDA FOSTER -  I guess I'll have to get my model daughter out of bed to fill the seat. Boy, I am I pissed to have this opportunity to trot her out and force everyone to shower her with attention.

KYLE RICHARDS - **sits down** What's up with the little weird blobs on people's cards?

YOLANDA FOSTER - They are called hearts. I don't expect you to be familiar with those. 

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Um, excuse me, I sold three houses today. I deserve a weird blob, too.

YOLANDA FOSTER - They are called hearts. 

KIM RICHARDS -  Hey, my card is blank just like my expression after meth. 

YOLANDA FOSTER - Do I have to spell it out for you people? Hearts mean I like the person. If you do not have a heart, I hate you and hope you contract AIDS. 

KIM RICHARDS -  Too late. Intravenous drug use and what not.

LISA VANDERPUMP - I find the hearts extremely SEXY. Sexy. 

DAVID FOSTER  - And now for the point in the evening where my wife and I make a disgusting show of our shallow love.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN -  I'd like to do that, too, but in Spanish. Yo quiero un big penis, right baby? 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Who invited a baby to a dinner party? That's fucking rude.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN -  No, baby is my nickname for my three hundred and ten pound husband with thinning hair. 

DAVID FOSTER  - Hey hey hey everybody, let's bring our attention back to where it belongs. Me. Please welcome the Canadian Tenors, who were invited only to serve as a vehicle for my exquisite songwriting. 

KIM RICHARDS - Wow, I feel like they're reaching into my soul. 

CANADIAN TENOR - Sorry, lady. I don't want to reach for anything of yours. 

KIM RICHARDS - Understandable. 

KYLE RICHARDS -  Is there Botox in these strawberries? **slathers strawberry over her face**

YOLANDA FOSTER - Yes. Botox and battery acid.

KYLE RICHARDS - Does it work?

YOLANDA FOSTER - For my intended purposes, yes. 

KYLE RICHARDS  - Sweet. 

THE END.