| Randy Lehrman. |
Patti meets Randy Lehrman...
PATTI STANGER - What's your line of work, little fire crotch?
RANDY LEHRMAN - I run a mobile DJ company.
PATTI STANGER - So you're one of those obnoxious people who pressures people to do the Cha Cha Slide at bar mitzvahs??
RANDY LEHRMAN - It's The Wobble now. But yes.
PATTI STANGER - God damn, my new assistants have the worst effing taste.
RANDY LEHRMAN - Where are Rachel and Destin?
PATTI STANGER - In my head.
RANDY LEHRMAN - Aw, that's sweet. You'll never forget them.
PATTI STANGER - No, vagina face, I killed them and injected their body fat into my face. They're literally in my head.
RANDY LEHRMAN - Oh.
PATTI STANGER - So why love now?
RANDY LEHRMAN - I need someone to laugh at my jokes. Hey, why'd the chicken cross the road?
PATTI STANGER - Why?
RANDY LEHRMAN - So he could jerk off!
PATTI STANGER - That's not very funny.
RANDY LEHRMAN - See, you women over 30 have no sense of humor and your faces look like leather.
PATTI STANGER - But not my face, right?
RANDY LEHRMAN - Right. RIP Destin and Rachel.
Patti meets Don Swayze, Patrick Swayze's brother...
DON SWAYZE - I'm Don Swayze. I love to ride mountain bikes and read books.
PATTI STANGER - **Snoring**
DON SWAYZE - Patti?
PATTI STANGER - Sorry, I dozed off for a second there. You love to fuck cooks?
DON SWAYZE - Well, I actually said -
PATTI STANGER - Then I got the perfect date in mind for you and your chosen woman.
DON SWAYZE - Whatever you think is best.
PATTI STANGER - So why love now?
DON SWAYZE - Well, it's been four years after my brother died of cancer.
PATTI STANGER - You're a scary looking dude, you know that?
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DON SWAYZE - I've been told. I nursed him through pancreatic cancer. It was a really tough time.
PATTI STANGER - Like, you look like someone who'd murder a Shetland pony for giggles. It's just your face shape.
DON SWAYZE - It was so heartbreaking. I loved him so much. But now I'm ready to give that love to a nice lady I can grow old with.
PATTI STANGER - It's the excess flesh by your nose. It just screams "I'll feast on your limbs by the fire."
Randy selects Jessica for his date...
RANDY LEHRMAN - Man, racing those go-carts was awesome. I love go-carts.
JESSICA - Me too. Not that anybody asked.
RANDY LEHRMAN - I also love cracking jokes. Did you hear the one about the cow?
JESSICA - No...
RANDY LEHRMAN - Good, because I just made it up in my head right now. Knock knock.
JESSICA - Um... who's there?
RANDY LEHRMAN - A cow jerking off!
JESSICA - I don't get it.
RANDY LEHRMAN - Figures.
JESSICA - Do you like my red dress?
RANDY LEHRMAN - Everything always has to be about you, huh? Jesus.
Don takes Anne to Hostaria del Piccolo...
CHEF GERMANO - And voila! Pizza!
DON SWAYZE - Wow! You're... a genius!
ANNE - When Patti said you like to fuck cooks, I assumed she meant the female kind.
DON SWAYZE - So did I, but have you seen this pizza? Who wouldn't want to fuck him?!?
ANNE - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE!
DON SWAYZE - Damn.
ANNE - Sorry. **Straightens hem on her dress** Ahem.
DON SWAYZE - Do you like to mountain bike?
ANNE - No, but I like tennis. Close enough, right?
DON SWAYZE - Not really.
**Silence**
DON SWAYZE - So do you want to do this again sometime?
ANNE - I thought you'd never ask!
DON SWAYZE - I thought the same, but I just saw Chef Germano leave with his wife and I'm getting desperate.
THE END.
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