Friday, December 6, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 1 - "Softly Swayze And The Boy In The Bubble"

Randy Lehrman.

Patti meets Randy Lehrman...

PATTI STANGER - What's your line of work, little fire crotch?

RANDY LEHRMAN - I run a mobile DJ company.

PATTI STANGER - So you're one of those obnoxious people who pressures people to do the Cha Cha Slide at bar mitzvahs??

RANDY LEHRMAN -  It's The Wobble now. But yes.

PATTI STANGER - God damn, my new assistants have the worst effing taste. 

RANDY LEHRMAN - Where are Rachel and Destin?  

PATTI STANGER - In my head.

RANDY LEHRMAN -  Aw, that's sweet. You'll never forget them.

PATTI STANGER - No, vagina face, I killed them and injected their body fat into my face. They're literally in my head.


PATTI STANGER - So why love now?

RANDY LEHRMAN -  I need someone to laugh at my jokes. Hey, why'd the chicken cross the road?


RANDY LEHRMAN - So he could jerk off!

PATTI STANGER - That's not very funny.

RANDY LEHRMAN - See, you women over 30 have no sense of humor and your faces look like leather.

PATTI STANGER - But not my face, right?

RANDY LEHRMAN - Right. RIP Destin and Rachel.

Patti meets Don Swayze, Patrick Swayze's brother...

DON SWAYZE - I'm Don Swayze. I love to ride mountain bikes and read books.

PATTI STANGER - **Snoring**

DON SWAYZE  - Patti?

PATTI STANGER - Sorry, I dozed off for a second there. You love to fuck cooks?

DON SWAYZE - Well, I actually said -

PATTI STANGER - Then I got the perfect date in mind for you and your chosen woman.

DON SWAYZE - Whatever you think is best.

PATTI STANGER - So why love now?

DON SWAYZE - Well, it's been four years after my brother died of cancer.

PATTI STANGER - You're a scary looking dude, you know that?
DON SWAYZE - I've been told. I nursed him through pancreatic cancer. It was a really tough time.

PATTI STANGER - Like, you look like someone who'd murder a Shetland pony for giggles. It's just your face shape.

DON SWAYZE -  It was so heartbreaking. I loved him so much. But now I'm ready to give that love to a nice lady I can grow old with.

PATTI STANGER - It's the excess flesh by your nose. It just screams "I'll feast on your limbs by the fire."

Randy selects Jessica for his date...

RANDY LEHRMAN - Man, racing those go-carts was awesome. I love go-carts.

JESSICA - Me too. Not that anybody asked.

RANDY LEHRMAN - I also love cracking jokes. Did you hear the one about the cow?


RANDY LEHRMAN - Good, because I just made it up in my head right now. Knock knock.

JESSICA - Um... who's there?

RANDY LEHRMAN - A cow jerking off!

JESSICA - I don't get it.


JESSICA - Do you like my red dress?

RANDY LEHRMAN - Everything always has to be about you, huh? Jesus.

Don takes Anne to Hostaria del Piccolo...

CHEF GERMANO - And voila! Pizza!

DON SWAYZE - Wow! You're... a genius!

ANNE - When Patti said you like to fuck cooks, I assumed she meant the female kind.

DON SWAYZE - So did I, but have you seen this pizza? Who wouldn't want to fuck him?!?



ANNE - Sorry. **Straightens hem on her dress** Ahem.

DON SWAYZE - Do you like to mountain bike?

ANNE - No, but I like tennis. Close enough, right?

DON SWAYZE - Not really.


DON SWAYZE - So do you want to do this again sometime?

ANNE - I thought you'd never ask!

DON SWAYZE - I thought the same, but I just saw Chef Germano leave with his wife and I'm getting desperate.


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