Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 5 - "Star of the Family"

Kyle Richards.

 Joyce and Kyle get freaky facials...

 KYLE RICHARDS - Lisa is just so fake! **lays down on massage table** Facialist Lady, I am ready for you to attach the mask made of synthetic fibers to my skin that has been smoothed by chemicals created in the same lab they make Proactiv.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Ugh, I know! When she decided she didn't like that I, someone she'd only known for several hours, invaded her personal space in a pathetic attempt to ingratiate myself with her, she told me she didn't like it. Fake-ass.

KYLE RICHARDS - And now that rumors abound about Mauricio cheating, she hasn't reached out to me on Twitter to assuage my fears and tell me I'm the luckiest and prettiest 32-year-old woman in Beverly Hills.

FACIALIST LADY - Mauricio? Are you talking about Mauricio Umansky?

KYLE RICHARDS - Yes. I'm assuming you've seen my husband on television. If you can afford a television.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Hahahahaha! Good one, girl!

FACIALIST LADY - No, I know him because I have had sex with him. 

KYLE RICHARDS - That's absurd. The reports are that he only has sex with transgendered - **notices facialist's bulge** Oh shit.


JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - **after five minutes** Hey, wanna go to Palm Springs next weekend?!

Kyle comes over before Kimberly's graduation...

KIM RICHARDS - And then Kingsley attacked and ate two sister squirrels, right on the front lawn! 


KIM RICHARDS - Now get THIS story.

KYLE RICHARDS - Here we go.

KIM RICHARDS  - Kimberly orders a graduation dress on the world wide web. And when the nice brown uniform guy drops it off, I says to myself, this can't be the graduation dress! It's too light!

KYLE RICHARDS   - Uh huh. Whelp, the ceremony starts in an hour. Maybe we should wrap it up.

KIM RICHARDS - So I says, this might as well be a t-shirt! It's so freakin' light! And I tell Kimberly that we best go to the frumpy lady store in the strip mall, to get her something that doesn't give Kingsley a red rocket.

KATHY HILTON - **enters in cheetah print** What the fuck are you babbling about? And what in the shit is that on your body? You look like you've been doing drugs in a hotel bathroom with that gray-faced guy you used to fuck.

KIM RICHARDS -  Oh, sis.

KATHY HILTON - Don't "oh sis" me, you fuckin' addict. 

KYLE RICHARDS - Kathy, the cameras are rolling.

KATHY HILTON - Fuck the cameras.

Yolanda welcomes her brother and sister to Malibu...




YOLANDA'S MOM - Daughter!

YOLANDA FOSTER - Well, this has been fun. Let's go watch my husband jerk himself off in front of Stevie Wonder.

 Kyle and Mauricio have a heart-to-heart...

KYLE RICHARDS - All that matters is that we know what we have.

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Right. Which is a relationship sparked by initial sexual attraction that has since died.  

KYLE RICHARDS - See, if Lisa could pull off that kind of deadpan humor we wouldn't be in this mess.   

MAURICIO UMANSKY -  That bitch, taking her sweet time to tweet about other people's marriages.

KYLE RICHARDS - Hey,  what's that movement in the bushes?

MAURICIO UMANSKY - It may look like a transgendered prostitute that has fallen in love with me after only two sexual encounters, but I assure you that it isn't.


PORTIA - **enters** Mommy, when do I get to go to college like Kimberly?

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh, sweetie. Women in this family trap wealthy Pacific Islander men by getting pregnant at 19. There is no college fund for you.

Brandi tries on bathing suits for Lisa...

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  How does this one make the tennis balls on a stick figure I like to call my body look?

LISA VANDERPUMP - Let's just say... like a whore.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - HA! You're too much. Oh, you know how Carlton got acupuncture for her cat?


BRANDI GLANVILLE - Well, I made out with her in a hot tub.

LISA VANDERPUMP - I don't see how that's related to the cat acupuncture, but ok.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Hello, it's called a Segway!

LISA VANDERPUMP - So are you a lesbian now, dear?  

BRANDI GLANVILLE - You old British fuddy-duddy! Women nowadays don't make out with other women because they like it - they do it so men will think they're the kind of girl who will try anal! 

LISA VANDERPUMP - My, things have changed since my day, when we'd just let a man stick his finger up our arse to send that point home. 

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  They sure have!



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