Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 4 - "Irked at Cirque"



Talk to the arthritic hand.


Yolanda prepares to send her daughters to prom...

YOLANDA FOSTER - We did not have Prom in dee old country. Only date I ever go on is with family cow to movies.

GIGI HADID - Argh, mom! Get with the times! Selfies!

BELLA HADID - Sexting!

GIGI HADID - Photo shoots for Guess while wearing assless chaps in front of a sunset!

YOLANDA FOSTER - **cries** They grow up so fast. One day you wipe their tushies, the next day your second husband grabs their breasts under the guise of reaching for an orange.

GIGI HADID - Ugh, Mom! Stop being so ratchet!

YOLANDA FOSTER - I do not know these words. I have disease of the Lime.





 At Cirque gym...

KIM RICHARDS - I figured we could all come here, twirl on some ribbons, hang on a trapeze, sneak whole pints of Wild Turkey by the bathrooms, and just have fun. 

YOLANDA FOSTER- I do not know of dis wild turkey. In old country, we have family cow to take to movies.

KIM RICHARDS - Yolanda, stop being so RUDE.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Whoa.

KIM RICHARDS - This is about having fun. Not about trying to steal the spotlight from the Richards sisters.

KYLE RICHARDS - Don't even try it.

KIM RICHARDS - Kyle, you want a hair tie? We're going to be doing some crazy stunts.

KYLE RICHARDS  - Why don't you just yank my beating heart from my body? Fuckin' hair tie. NO.







On some mats...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - While the Richards sisters are in earshot, lemme tell you what happened yesterday.

CARLTON GEBBIA - You fell down drunk at a wine bar.

BRANDI GLANVILLE   - Honey, that's everyday. I was walking with my kids in Calabasas -

YOLANDA FOSTER - Wait, who walks in Calabasas?

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  It's about health, ok? The paparazzi approached me and said Kyle is accusing me of bullying.

**gasps all around**

CARLTON GEBBIA -  In front of your kids?

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  In front of my kids. They've seen me give hand jobs and ingest expired Quaaludes, but bullying???

CIRCUS TEACHER LADY -  Sorry to interrupt, but it's time to jump over your enemy, who will be rolling around on the ground. **to Kyle** Ma'am, would you like a hair tie to pull back your hair?

KYLE RICHARDS - FUCK YOU.




 At the sex shop...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Goodness, having delicious, supple breasts and a juicy-yet-firm rump can make shopping really difficult.  

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Well, I'm just glad there's a store in this town where I can really explore my sexuality and feel sexual and talk about sex.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Me too. Sometimes I feel so constricted in that ol' castle filled with sadomasochistic paraphernalia.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I know! It's like, we like sex, ok? Deal with it!

CARLTON GEBBIA - "You go, girl." Is that how you Americans say it?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Perfect!

CARLTON GEBBIA - I have an idea of something you can try, if you're ever feeling lonely. Just rip up your passport, sprinkle the shreds with paprika, bury it in your backyard, and pray that you can have a threesome with me and my nanny Elizy next Thursday afternoon.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - That stuff really works?

CARLTON GEBBIA - It's worth a shot. That's what I always say.






 Joyce confronts Lisa on a terrace...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Lisa, I have a bone to pick with you.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Last time I picked a bone was in a London nightclub in 1978!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I feel like we went through a bit of a rough patch.

LISA VANDERPUMP - When I caught a rough patch in 1978, I just put some cream on it!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN -  LISTEN TO ME! Once I touched your hair and you did not respond in the way I wanted and everyone else agreed that it was totes rude and I'm just an honest person and I hope you die in a fire and that your new dog dies too!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Hmmm. I don't really have any awful sex puns to make in response to that.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I win.

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