Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 7 - "Escape to Bitch Mountain"

The ladies take a trip on a gondola in Palm Springs...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Oh, look. Disease carrying creatures from Mother Earth's womb.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  I have a name, you know.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Not you. The squirrels. **starts to lick and kiss a squirrel**

KIM RICHARDS - Wow. I'd love to feel the caress of a warm-blooded being. It's been 40 years.

KYLE RICHARDS - Kingsley is a warm-blooded being.

KIM RICHARDS - Pshaw. Get real. I know science.  

CARLTON GEBBIA - Come along, then, Kim!

KIM RICHARDS  - **pets squirrel** Niiiiiiice. Niiiiiice.

**squirrel leaves Kim to burrow up Kyle's ass**

KIM RICHARDS - **to Kyle** You always have to win, don't you?

At dinner...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - If you fuck with my friends, Kyle, you fuck with me. **falls asleep at the table**

LISA VANDERPUMP - Quite a threat, there.

KYLE RICHARDS - You guys are so MEAN! **heads to the bathroom to cry, motions at cameraman to follow her**

YOLANDA FOSTER - **knocks on bathroom door** Can you hurry up in there? That tuna tartar made me have to do something other than cry.

KYLE RICHARDS  - **opens door, clings to Yo** Don't they see?!? It  doesn't matter if I have a perfect life, it matters that people THINK I have a perfect life!

YOLANDA FOSTER - Um.... There there?

KYLE RICHARDS  - I've heard better.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Uh... how about I hold you in my muscular Dutch arms?

KYLE RICHARDS - Ok. **nuzzles** They feel... So good.

YOLANDA FOSTER  - Intervals. That's the key.

Lisa comes into Kim's room to comfort Kyle...

KYLE RICHARDS - This business with Mauricio, it's hard.  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Sure sounds like it's hard, the cheeky bastard.


LISA VANDERPUMP -  Sorry. That wasn't appropriate.

KIM RICHARDS  - **pipes in from the bathroom** Well, when I was with gray-faced Ken and we were doing drugs off the motel bathroom floor, I -

LISA VANDERPUMP -  **slams bathroom door on Kim** Like I was saying...

KIM RICHARDS  - Hey! I had wisdom to impart! YOU'RE BEING DISMISSIVE!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Shhh, the adults are talking.

After lots of wine, Carlton and Brandi go back to their room...

BRANDI GLANVILLE  - You're so sessy, Carlton. **strokes her leg**

CARLTON GEBBIA - Uh, I thought we were only doing the lesbian thing for a plot line?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I've had too much Yellowtail to think about plot lines. **strokes her Fuck You tattoo**

CARLTON GEBBIA - Oh, look! Yolanda and Lisa! What perfect timing!

YOLANDA FOSTER - We just came to say goodnight and to make sure the viewers see us in our sleepwear.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Wassss wrong with you lame-ass grammas? Don't you know how to PARTY? **falls asleep**

Brandi's assistant calls to inform her that her dog Chica is missing...

BRANDI GLANVILLE  - This is not fucking cool!!!!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Well, my house has been broken into four times. And my dog has been missing eight.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  It's not a competition, Yoyce!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I just wanted to comfort you, is all. PS - my dog was dead all eight times.


To be continued...

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