Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Challenge: Rivals II Recap, Episode 11 - "Final Destination"

Bye, bitch.

Diem and Aneesa face Jemmye and Camila in the final arena...

TJ LAVIN - Ladies, cut both of these ropes.

JEMMYE - That's easy! I have plenty of experience cutting things from junior high when my parents "took a break."

TJ LAVIN  - Save it for the confessional. I forgot to mention that you'll be hanging upside down.

DIEM - What? Why didn't you mention that up front? This is a completely different ballgame! I'm not mentally prepared!!!!!

 TJ LAVIN  - Listen, Tweaker, try conserving some of your energy for the actual challenge.

DIEM   - AHHHHHH! **scratches at face scabs**

TJ LAVIN  - Ready, set, cut rope while hanging upside down!

DIEM  - This isn't fair! I'm too short! I can't reach!

CAMILA - I'm the length of the Brand/Perry marriage, so shut the fuck up.

**Diem keeps sawing at air, Jemmye and Camila cut through both ropes**

TJ LAVIN  - And the anger management twins are going to the final.

DIEM - Aneesa, it was all my fault.

ANEESA - Pretty much.

DIEM - What? I knew it! I knew you hated me! I could tell from that time you twerked on Nany instead of me, and that other time you -

ANEESA - Diem. It was a joke. Lay off the crank.

DIEM  - K.


Back at the house, the teams talk about where they might be going for the final...

PAULA WALNUTS - I hope we're not going somewhere cold. I hate the cold.

EMILY - Really? I love the cold.

CT  - Me worried about being chilly after training in heat.

WES - Me too.

COOKE - I'm scared of the cold.

EMILY - Really? I love the cold.

TJ LAVIN  - **enters** As much as I hate to break up this poignant, thought-provoking conversation, I'm here to tell you to pack your bags for Tokyo.

JEMMYE - Whoooo! I've always wanted to go to China!

- We're gonna be running through the city streets, just like the Amazing Race!

TJ LAVIN   - It's cute that you think we have a production budget on par with the Amazing Race.

FRANK - A girl can dream.


On the bus to "Tokyo"...

EVERYBODY - **singing** Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of - **black hoods are thrown on their heads**

MARLON I guess it really DOES cause blindness!!!

CAMILA - Eees a so-lare ecleepse!

JOHNNY BANANAS - Are we all dead? I'm sorry Jesus for that time I stuck a toothbrush in someone's va-jayge!

**They are escorted off bus, except Cara Maria** 

CARA MARIA -  Everybody now! **sings** Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.... Ninety-nine... bottles.. Hello?

On an island...

TJ LAVIN  - If you haven't guessed by now, you are not in Tokyo.

JORDAN - Then why are there Asian people milling about?

TJ LAVIN  - There's more than one country with Asian people, Oklahoma. But, yeah, we're still in Thailand.

FRANK - What a thrilling surprise.

TJ LAVIN  - Frank, some people don't even GET to avoid the real world for twenty-five years while sleeping in bunk beds and throwing baby powder on redheads. So think about that before you complain.

CARA MARIA - I see water. Will we be swimming?

TJ LAVIN  - How astute. Yes, you will. After that, you'll play with blocks to make a miniature version of Tonya Cooley.

PAULA WALNUTS  - With or without kidney stones?

TJ LAVIN  - I'll leave that entirely up to you. Once you're finished with your Tonyas, take a paddle boat to a large yacht.

WES -  Will the crew of Honor be serving us?

TJ LAVIN  - Wrong network. Oh, one more thing. Only four teams will advance. The other two will be left on this island for life with only each other and a volleyball to have sex with.

CT - Not such a bad fate. **winks at volleyball**

TJ LAVIN  - Let's get started.**teams swim, create their block Tonyas, and paddle to the yacht**

After the challenge...

TJ LAVIN - Jemmye, Camila, this ends your time in Thailand. Or should I say, this is just the beginning of your time in Thailand.

JOHNNY BANANAS - You know they're just going to use Uber to get out of here once you leave, right?

TJ LAVIN   - Right, I forgot you have such an active and successful life to return to back in the states.

To be continued...

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