Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 12 - "Nick & Melissa"

Nick Lombardi


Nev and Max skype with Nick...

NEV SCHULMAN - How did you meet Melissa?

NICK - In a Tila Tequila chatroom. We were both throwing virtual feces at her in an attempt to emulate Juggalos.

MAX JOSEPH - How very 2006 of you.

NICK -  Those were crazy years, m' man.

NEV SCHULMAN - Weren't you, like, 12 then?

NICK  - Yep. Wild, wild times.

NEV SCHULMAN   - I take it all of this crazy and wild behavior was conducted over the internet.

NICK  - Duh. You really need to get more in touch with your core demographic.





In Ocala, Florida...

NEV SCHULMAN  - So tell us about Melissa, besides the fact that her parents weren't very good at monitoring her internet behavior.

NICK - She lives in Iowa. She was nice to me when my grandpa died. She has a boyfriend. She's a cutter.

MAX JOSEPH - Sounds like the perfect recipe for a romantic relationship to me!

NEV SCHULMAN  - Nick, why don't you just sit here and be Italian while we conduct some research?

NICK - Ok.




 On Facebook...

NEV SCHULMAN  - How fast can I pull up fat pictures of Melissa?

MAX JOSEPH - Thirty seconds.

NEV SCHULMAN   - Challenge accepted. **searches on facebook** And we got a full body shot in nine.

MAX JOSEPH - You are truly a master.

NEV SCHULMAN  - It's what I do. Literally. I don't have any other qualifications for employment.

MAX JOSEPH -  It says she's in a relationship with this dude Olin.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Yet here she is sucking face with an Asian lesbian.

MAX JOSEPH - You'll never hear me say this again, but I'd like to switch places with a fat Tila Tequila fan girl in Iowa.




 Nev calls Melissa...

NEV SCHULMAN  - Hi, Melissa. We think it's time for you to meet Nick.

MELISSA - I dunno... I'm pretty busy washing dishes while Olin plays video games.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Well, we wouldn't want to disrupt your idyllic life.

MELISSA  - I may live in Iowa, but I can still pick up on sarcasm.

NEV SCHULMAN  - What do you have to lose, besides a place to live?

MELISSA  - You're right. I'll do it!





In Des Moines, Iowa at a friend's house.

MELISSA - Here I am.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Not what you expected, eh, Nick?

NICK - No, she's about what I expected.

NEV SCHULMAN   - But bigger?

NICK - Nah, she's fine.

NEV SCHULMAN  - So you're cool with "natural sunlight" pics?

NICK - Sure.

NEV SCHULMAN  - **to camera** Sorry, I tried.

MAX JOSEPH - So what's the story with Olin?

MELISSA  - We're friends with benefits, but we're in love with each other.

MAX JOSEPH - Makes sense.





Max and Nev sit down with Olin and Melissa in Oskaloosa...

OLIN - Here's the deal. We live together, fuck, support each other in World of Warcraft, and I listen to her clean.
  
NEV SCHULMAN   - Sounds better than most marriages, actually.

OLIN - Except we're not a couple. Don't get it twisted.

MELISSA - When I moved in with Olin, all I had were three pairs of sweatpants.

MAX JOSEPH -  I'm shocked that someone who holds on to three pairs of sweatpants out of all their worldly possessions is unemployed.

MELISSA - This is where I'm meant to be right now. In this farmhouse with Olin.

OLIN - And my mom.

MELISSA  - And his mom.

NEV SCHULMAN - Suit yourself. But we're going to have one very sad college-bound Italian on our hands. 





 Nev and Max skype with Nick...

NICK - Things are great! I'm enrolled in mechanic school.  

MAX JOSEPH - So when you said "college" you meant mechanic school.

NICK -  Same thing, right?

MAX JOSEPH - No.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Meet any girls there?

NICK - It's all men. But sometimes Tyler dresses up in lady clothes and we all take turns with her in the storage room -

NEV SCHULMAN  - Glad to hear you're well, bye! **shuts laptop** 


THE END.

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