Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Challenge: Rivals II Recap, Finale & Reunion - "The Island Of Misfit Challengers"

Lady gym teacher is mad.

After Emily, Paula Walnuts, CT and Wes win the final challenge in Thailand, about 1/4 of the gang gathers for the reunion... 

JONNY MOSELEY - Welcome to our live program. Dave Mira is at a wedding this weekend, so MTV graciously offered the gig to me.

ANEESA - You're killin' those frosted tips, bro. 

JONNY MOSELEY - **touches his hair** You think? Thanks. Just For Men. Frank, let's put you in the hot seat first.



FRANK - Just kidding.  

JONNY MOSELEY  - Good one. Frank has taken to social media to vent his frustrations with other competitors and post pictures of Corgis. Frank, why do you do it?

FRANK - I mean, they have really short legs and they're fun to look at.

JONNY MOSELEY - No, I mean the venting.

FRANK - People keep bringing up my name, and I need to defend myself.

KNIGHT - You actually need to stop acting like a little bitch.

FRANK - Says the lady gym teacher in a penis hat.

KNIGHT  - You wish you could pull off this penis hat, Applebees server.

FRANK - It's TGIFridays, and I'm also a grad student.

KNIGHT  - You're not even a man to me. Because you're GAY. **falls asleep on stage**

FRANK - He's a real winner, this one.

JONNY MOSELEY - Knight, wake up. **shakes him**

KNIGHT  - Huh? Where was I?

JONNY MOSELEY  - Saying Frank isn't a real man.

KNIGHT - Oh yeah. **bitch slaps Frank with a glove** Now THAT'S what real men do. **is wrestled off stage by producers** 

JEMMYE - It is what it is. It is what it is.

After commercial break, Cara Maria is in the hot seat...
JONNY MOSELEY - Cara Maria. Everyone hates your fucking guts. Tell us a little about that.

CARA MARIA - The fact is that Cooke would have gone home the first week if I hadn't been her partner.

CT - Mumble mouth fart mumble how dare you talk about your partner that way!

CARA MARIA -  Idiot, she would have gone home because she didn't have a partner after Naomi left.

CT - Oh yeah.

JONNY MOSELEY -  Johnny, why didn't you clap when Cara Maria showed up in Thailand?

JOHNNY BANANAS - The producers told us not to.

JONNY MOSELEY - What's that? I couldn't hear you with this ironclad confidentiality agreement you signed before coming on the show.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Oh, um, it's because nobody cares about Cara Maria. She's a motherfucking non-factor. Better?


WES - Johnny, I have thirty businesses and a monster truck, so it behooves me to mention that you treated Cara Maria poorly this season.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Weren't you the one pouring Faygo over her head two years ago?

WES - I was a different person then.

PAULA WALNUTS - Cough cough ROIDS cough cough. 

After the break, Johnny interviews Diem about being nutso...

JONNY MOSELEY - Diem, how do you explain acting like that Tucker guy with the shovel on Breaking Bad?

DIEM - I went through menopause on the show. You know who else went through menopause? Your mom.

JONNY MOSELEY -  I know you're a woman and this is a live show but I will beat your ass if you ever bring up my mom again.

DIEM - Bring it.

JONNY MOSELEY - **to himself** Johnny, be professional. You're a real journalist now. **straightens his back** Ahem. So what about on the aftershow when you equated being a good person with not having many sexual partners? Weren't you off the hormones then?

DIEM - Wait... People watch those?

JONNY MOSELEY - Apparently. Believe me, if I'd have known, I woulda worn underwear.

After another Big Tips Texas promo, Jonny talks to Diem and an unintelligible CT...

JONNY MOSELEY - CT, what was the deal with you and Diem?

CT - Shassha frassha mumble mumble. Shut up.

JONNY MOSELEY - Hey, man, just doing my job.

CT -   You tryin' to start shit?

JONNY MOSELEY - No, I'm asking questions. Because I'm the male Julissa Bermudez.

CT -  Farfelle oompse mumble. Eat me.

JONNY MOSELEY- I'm so glad you elected to come here and share such illuminating information with America.

DIEM - I tell you, there is nothing sexier than an illiterate man in his mid-thirties who gets defensive over simple questions.


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