Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Challenge: Rivals II Recap, Episode 9 - "Diemnesia

The Ross and Rachel of the Millennial generation, even though they might be too old to be considered Millennials.
At the club...

CT - Yeah, girl. The way you're whipping your non-existent hair back and forth is making the blood that no longer flows to my penis because I'm a smoker redirect to my face.

DIEM - You know the word "non-existent"? AND "redirect"? **makes out with him**

WES - **through a can that's attached to a string held up to CT's ear** Now put your hand on the line that separates the white part of the boob from the sunburned part of the boob.

DIEM - **notices can** Hey! What's going on here?

CT - Wes is teaching me the English language so I can score with you.

DIEM - Oh. Cool. **too drunk to understand, passes out**

At a pit with ramps and balls...

TJ LAVIN - Take a look around. It's a good thing some of you brushed up on your CrossFit exercises this morning, or whatever the hell you call that pseudo-science of holding things in your arms.

FRANK - I'll have you know that the CrossFit program is designed for universal scalability making it the perfect application for any committed individual regardless of experience.

TJ LAVIN -  I stopped listening after "I'll have you." You'll never have me, Frank.

**the teams start running up and down the ramps and stuffing the balls in nets**

CARA MARIA - My hip bone pads! **tries to tighten pads** I can't compete without my hip bone pads!

COOKE - WTF? We weren't even issued hip bone pads!

CARA MARIA - I brought them from home. Osteoporosis runs in my family.

COOKE  - Abram will like it if you come home with some bruises. Now keep fucking going!

CARA MARIA -  True. **they lose anyway**  

KNIGHT - **hanging from a ramp, reaching for Preston**  I'm sorry I said you look like you're in the advanced stages of the AIDS virus. And that you're the weirdest-faced person still left on the challenge. Now will you help me up???

PRESTON - Wait - you said those things?

KNIGHT - Shit. Er, no.

PRESTON - Fine, you fat-ass sociopath. **helps him up, they lose anyway**

WES - **finishes in record time, sits on top of ramp** Look at these plebians, still struggling to finish.

CT - Yeah. Plebians. **pause** What's a plebian?

WES - **points at Johnny Bananas** That.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Can't. Breathe.**vomits**

At the voting session...

TJ LAVIN - Do we even have to vote? Sometimes Gay and Half-Hand versus Lady Gym Teacher and Starvin' Marvin'.

PAULA WALNUTS - Not very professional of you to call us names, TJ. No matter how accurate and on-the-money those names may be.

TJ LAVIN  - Would you prefer Dave Mira?


WES - **to Johnny** See you in the finals, Chuck.


WES - Yeah. UPchuck! **him and CT laugh and exchange high-fives**

JOHNNY BANANAS  - Fuck you! I'm the Master of the Challenges!

WES - We know! And it's sad!

JOHNNY BANANAS - You're the one who got antiqued!

WES - But I also have 30 companies and a monster truck!

JOHNNY BANANAS  -  You needed to be carried through a final challenge, Big Easy-style!

WES - You're essentially unemployable!

CT - Trying to argue but still not fluent in the English language!

Jordan and Marlon face Preston and Knight in the arena...

TJ LAVIN - Two of the male teams for the final challenge have been determined. Who will be the third?


TJ LAVIN - Hahahaha.

KNIGHT - Hahahaha.

PRESTON - Hey! You're on my team!

KNIGHT - You're in a sequined top hat, and I'm dressed like Howdy Doodie. It's not happening. **it doesn't**

JORDAN - **after winning, holds up his bloody stump for TJ to see** Ahhhh! My fingers have been amputated!

TJ LAVIN - AHHHHHHHH! MEDIC!!!!!!! **remembers Jordan doesn't have fingers** Oh, you!


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