Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 11 - "Aaliyah & Alicia"

Aaliyah's love is one in a million.

Nev and Max Skype with Aaliyah in Oakland, who's had an online relationship with a woman 70 blocks away...

NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us a little about yourself. Likes, dislikes, details on any possible relationship with hometown hero MC Hammer?

AALIYAH - **stonefaced** My mom got evicted and I have nowhere to live.

MAX JOSEPH - **under breath** That's got to make you appealing to romantic prospects.

AALIYAH - What's that?

MAX JOSEPH - Uh, I said I heard squealing from frantic mayor-elects.

AALIYAH -  I'm in high school, you dicks. I also volunteer for a non-profit feeding the hungry. What were YOU doing in high school?

MAX JOSEPH - Touching myself.

AALIYAH - That's what I thought.

Max and Nev fly to Oakland to meet Aaliyah...

NEV SCHULMAN - So why won't Alicia meet up with you if she lives in the same city?

AALIYAH - She's afraid to come out of the closet.

MAX JOSEPH -  That's understandable, in the bastion of rampant homophobia known as Northern California.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Have you two ever gotten into a fight? And no, that is not a leading question to make you admit you bought her an iPhone.

AALIYAH - Yes. We got in a fight when I wouldn't buy her an iPhone, so I bought her an iPhone.

NEV SCHULMAN - **gasps** I'm shocked. So shocked my tramp stamp is tingling. I really wish you would have told me that before we started filming.

AALIYAH - I... did?

NEV SCHULMAN - **waves confidentiality contract** No, you didn't, remember?

AALIYAH - Right. Sorry.

Max and Nev look on Alicia's facebook...

NEV SCHULMAN  - She's got all these online flirtations with men going on, but claims to have a big lesbian crush on Aaliyah.

MAX JOSEPH  - Well, they appear to be men.

NEV SCHULMAN - Good point. **Calls Keanette from facebook** Hi, Keanette. How do you know your facebook friend Alicia?

KEANETTE - She dated my brother for a year.

NEV SCHULMAN - Does your brother have a dick?

KEANETTE -  Last time I checked. Which was yesterday.

NEV SCHULMAN - **quickly hangs up** Aaand end of that conversation. Let's try this Cortez guy. **calls**

CORTEZ - I know Alicia because we dated.

NEV SCHULMAN- And you're, like, a straight-up dude?

CORTEZ -  Last time I checked. In 1998.

NEV SCHULMAN - **quickly hangs up** Man, people in Oakland are weird.

MAX JOSEPH - Tell it to the Tupac hologram.

Max and Nev get Alicia to agree to meet Aaliyah...


AALIYAH - Is that any way to greet the love of your life? **goes in for a kiss**

ALICIA - Ew, get off of me, LESBIAN.

AALIYAH- Wait, I'm confused. Why did you say LESBIAN in all caps like that? Am I supposed to feel bad or something?

ALICIA - You got played. I'm into dudes. LOTS of dudes.

AALIYAH - Why are you being such an asshole right now?!? I feel bad for the old people you work for at the home.

ALICIA - There are no old people.

AALIYAH-  Yes there are.**points at Max's hair**.

MAX JOSEPH -  It's from a box.

ALICIA -  I meant there are no old people I work for. I am proudly and unabashedly unemployed.

MAX JOSEPH  - The Dollar Tree eyelashes should have tipped us off to that.

ALICIA - Conning people is my job.

NEV SCHULMAN - That's shameful!

ALICIA - You didn't seem to mind when Leonardo DiCaprio did it in "Catch Me If You Can", whitey.

NEV SCHULMAN - **whispers to Max** How'd she know? I love that movie.

Max, Nev, Aaliyah meet up with Alicia the next day to figure out her motivation...

MAX JOSEPH - I think you have stronger feelings for Aaliyah than you admit.

ALICIA - I have strong feelings for anybody who buys me shit. Oh, that reminds me - can I keep the Iphone?


NEV SCHULMAN - You don't think you could sell it and get money for your mother who is homeless and has MS?

AALIYAH - My mother doesn't send me pictures like this. **holds up pic of Alicia posing nude in front of an old people's home**

NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, I can see why they no longer wanted you to work there.

ALICIA - Are we done here? I have a three o'clock text session with a Subway Sandwich Artist from Modesto. I think I can convince her to get me a Kindle.

NEV SCHULMAN - Fine. But I hope you've learned a valuable lesson from us.

ALICIA - Yep. Whatever.


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