Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Challenge: Rivals II Recap, Episode 4 - "Mortuusequusphobia"

Jordan and Jonna get close n' sweaty.

The gang heads to the club...

JONNA - **dancing with Jordan** So tell me about yourself. Besides that you have a beautiful face and half a hand.

JORDAN - Well, on The Real World: Portland, I made ape sounds at a black woman and called someone the N word. Oh, and I also love wake-boarding.

JONNA - Uh... you do realize I'm black, don't you?

JORDAN - Oh shit. No.

JONNA - Yeah.

JORDAN - Um... sorry?

JONNA - It's cool. **makes out with him anyway**

The daily challenge begins...

TJ LAVIN - Teams, your challenge for today is to spear some spears with a super-long spear.

JOHNNY BANANAS - You really have a way with words.


CT - **working the spear with Wes**  Grunt n' popple!

- Huh?

CT - I said, Huffie neck! HUFFIE NECK!

WES - I don't know what the fuck this guy's saying.

**Paula and Emily win**

EMILY - **hugs Paula** You're the best partner.

PAULA WALNUTS - No, YOU'RE the best partner. And good-smelling. And sexy. **they make out**

ZACH - Whoa.

JOHNNY BANANAS BOBBLE HEAD DOLL - This explains why they were so good at the rope-between-the-legs challenge.

ZACH - **slowly turns his head to see bobble head doll sitting on his shoulder** Oh. Um, hey.


Later that night, Leroy cozies up next to Jemmye...

LEROY - Hey, girl. I love the way you're unreasonably frightened of tomato-based condiments.

JEMMYE - Thank you. That's sweet. **they start to kiss**

KNIGHT - **notices the canoodling, approaches them**  I should drown Jemmye in that decorative fountain next to the couch.

LEROY - That's a totally normal thing for a man to say about a woman. Sure.

KNIGHT   - But I won't, because I can't display too many psychopathic tendencies in consecutive episodes and still get cast on the next season.

LEROY - It always worked for Kenny.

KNIGHT  - I'll just pour ketchup on her instead. **pours ketchup on Jemmye**

JEMMYE - NOOOOOOOO!!!!! **skin melts from the acidity until she is a pile of wet gumbo**

LEROY - Ok, maybe she wasn't unreasonably frightened of tomato-based condiments...

Cooke tries to negotiate with CT for the arena...

COOKE - I think you should send Diem into the arena.

CT - But she has cancer.

Cooke tries to negotiate with Zach for the arena...

COOKE  - I think you should send Diem home.

ZACH -  But she has cancer.

COOKE - God damn you people.

Jasmine and Theresa go up against Cooke and bondage-fan Cara Maria in the arena...

TJ LAVIN - If you're wondering why I'm wearing an apron, all I can tell you is that I've always been a big Barbara Billingsley fan.

CT - Who?

TJ LAVIN -  CT, as a man in your late fifties, you of all people should know.

COOKE - **without pants on, for some reason** Why are there all these batteries?

TJ LAVIN - I'm not sure. Nobody's even going home tonight. **producer whispers to him** Whoops, looks like I fucked that one up. You guys were supposed to think you were electrocuting each other, and we would all have the pleasure of smelling your fear.

CARA MARIA -  I have to admit, I'm really disappointed. **clamps battery to her nipple**

**they all go out to watch Diem dance without her wig**


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