Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 8 - "Jesse & Brian"

Jesse is all natural

Max and Nev connect with Jesse over Skype...


NEV SCHULMAN - What I think Max meant to say is that you have beautiful teeth.

JESSE - Thank you. And fyi - this haircolor, these eyebrows? All natural.

MAX JOSEPH - Define natural.

JESSE - A human being composed of organic matter applied them to me.

NEV SCHULMAN - Fair enough. So in your email you said you're getting ready to move to Alabama to be with Brian, whom you've never met?

MAX JOSEPH - You should at least know if the dude goes downtown before moving to somewhere like Alabama.

JESSE  - Well, he says he likes to go downtown.

MAX JOSEPH - Honey, they all say that.

Nevax talks with Jesse in Wallingford, PA...

JESSE - My tattoo says "with a Philly accent, anything is possible."

MAX JOSEPH - Except getting a job that doesn't involve serving transfats on a tray.

NEV SCHULMAN - What Max means is that you're clearly a very deep, contemplative woman.

JESSE - Thanks. And I was ready to show Brian how very deep and contemplative I could be at a North Carolina truc kstop, but he never showed.

NEV SCHULMAN - Lemme guess - his car was stolen and then he got run over with the stolen car?

JESSE -  No, he's not dumb enough to make that cheesy of an excuse. He got caught with weapons of mass destruction.

MAX JOSEPH - And you believed THAT?

JESSE - Anything's possible with a Philly accent.

robert brian clark mugshot

Nevax looks up the police records for Brian...

NEV SCHULMAN - Robert Brian Clark. Arrested for weapons of mass destruction.

MAX JOSEPH- Well, fuck me up the ass with a boom mike. It was true!

KEY GRIP - **holding boom mike** You rang?

MAX JOSEPH- Dude, it's just an expression.

Nevax meets up with Fran, who served with Brian in the military...

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's get the obvious question out of the way.

FRAN - Is Brian real, you mean?

MAX JOSEPH - No. Why is your name Fran?

FRAN - Family name. And by family name, I mean it's my mom's name.

MAX JOSEPH - Are you armed?

FRAN - Yes.

MAX JOSEPH - Then Fran is a very cool macho name.

FRAN - Thank you.


In Cullman, Alabama...

NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, here we are in front of what appears to be a pink trailer.

MAX JOSEPH - I've seen worse. **tries to think of when** Ok, nevermind.

BRIAN CLARK - **comes out** Hi, y'all. Don't be frightened of my left eye.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Whoa. He's, like, normal.

BRIAN CLARK - Why don't we all go to my lake house to discuss this situation we've found ourselves in?

MAX JOSEPH - You have a lake house, yet you live daily life in a trailer?

NEV SCHULMAN - It's not even a double wide, man.

BRIAN CLARK - It's the perfect place to prepare my weapons of mass destruction.


BRIAN CLARK - Guys, that was a joke.

At the lake house...

NEV SCHULMAN  - So are you the Saddam Hussein of the American South, or is this all a big misunderstanding?

BRIAN CLARK - I have PTSD from fighting in the military. I freaked out at a gas station and was arrested for having a sawed off rifle.

MAX JOSEPH - Fucking liberal-ass nanny state.

BRIAN CLARK  - I know, right? All charges were dismissed.

NEV SCHULMAN - The other thing we should probably discuss is that you were married.

BRIAN CLARK - Yeah, but I only see her on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

JESSE - Sounds fine to me. **she tests drives his car right there, in front of his whole family**

Brian Clark

Nevax catches up with Jesse and Brian on Skype...

NEV SCHULMAN - Have you moved to Alabama yet?

JESSE  - Well, I tried to surprise Brian by saying I wasn't moving, but he PTSD'ed all over my plans.

NEV SCHULMAN   - Brian, is that true? Did you PTSD all over Jesse's surprise?

JESSE - It's true. And now we're totes dunzo.

MAX JOSEPH - Jesse, is that true? Are you "totes dunzo"?

JESSE - Yes. I guess my tattoo was wrong after all. Not everything's possible with a Philly accent, especially if you want to move to a hotbed of anti-Yankee sentiment.

MAX JOSEPH - **shuts laptop** Well, that was a complete waste of time. Want to take old-timey photos with me?

NEV SCHULMAN - Can we roll around together on the floor in our costumes afterwards?



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