| Jesse is all natural |
Max and Nev connect with Jesse over Skype...
MAX JOSEPH - **seeing Jesse smile** AHHHHH! HER MOUTH! IT'S EATING ME THROUGH THE SCREEN!!!!
NEV SCHULMAN - What I think Max meant to say is that you have beautiful teeth.
JESSE - Thank you. And fyi - this haircolor, these eyebrows? All natural.
MAX JOSEPH - Define natural.
JESSE - A human being composed of organic matter applied them to me.
NEV SCHULMAN - Fair enough. So in your email you said you're getting ready to move to Alabama to be with Brian, whom you've never met?
MAX JOSEPH - You should at least know if the dude goes downtown before moving to somewhere like Alabama.
JESSE - Well, he says he likes to go downtown.
MAX JOSEPH - Honey, they all say that.
JESSE - My tattoo says "with a Philly accent, anything is possible."
MAX JOSEPH - Except getting a job that doesn't involve serving transfats on a tray.
NEV SCHULMAN - What Max means is that you're clearly a very deep, contemplative woman.
JESSE - Thanks. And I was ready to show Brian how very deep and contemplative I could be at a North Carolina truc kstop, but he never showed.
NEV SCHULMAN - Lemme guess - his car was stolen and then he got run over with the stolen car?
JESSE - No, he's not dumb enough to make that cheesy of an excuse. He got caught with weapons of mass destruction.
MAX JOSEPH - And you believed THAT?
JESSE - Anything's possible with a Philly accent.
Nevax looks up the police records for Brian...
NEV SCHULMAN - Robert Brian Clark. Arrested for weapons of mass destruction.
MAX JOSEPH- Well, fuck me up the ass with a boom mike. It was true!
KEY GRIP - **holding boom mike** You rang?
MAX JOSEPH- Dude, it's just an expression.
Nevax meets up with Fran, who served with Brian in the military...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's get the obvious question out of the way.
FRAN - Is Brian real, you mean?
MAX JOSEPH - No. Why is your name Fran?
FRAN - Family name. And by family name, I mean it's my mom's name.
MAX JOSEPH - Are you armed?
FRAN - Yes.
MAX JOSEPH - Then Fran is a very cool macho name.
FRAN - Thank you.
In Cullman, Alabama...
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, here we are in front of what appears to be a pink trailer.
MAX JOSEPH - I've seen worse. **tries to think of when** Ok, nevermind.
BRIAN CLARK - **comes out** Hi, y'all. Don't be frightened of my left eye.
NEV SCHULMAN - Whoa. He's, like, normal.
BRIAN CLARK - Why don't we all go to my lake house to discuss this situation we've found ourselves in?
MAX JOSEPH - You have a lake house, yet you live daily life in a trailer?
NEV SCHULMAN - It's not even a double wide, man.
BRIAN CLARK - It's the perfect place to prepare my weapons of mass destruction.
**silence**
BRIAN CLARK - Guys, that was a joke.
NEV SCHULMAN - So are you the Saddam Hussein of the American South, or is this all a big misunderstanding?
BRIAN CLARK - I have PTSD from fighting in the military. I freaked out at a gas station and was arrested for having a sawed off rifle.
MAX JOSEPH - Fucking liberal-ass nanny state.
BRIAN CLARK - I know, right? All charges were dismissed.
NEV SCHULMAN - The other thing we should probably discuss is that you were married.
BRIAN CLARK - Yeah, but I only see her on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
JESSE - Sounds fine to me. **she tests drives his car right there, in front of his whole family**
Nevax catches up with Jesse and Brian on Skype...
NEV SCHULMAN - Have you moved to Alabama yet?
JESSE - Well, I tried to surprise Brian by saying I wasn't moving, but he PTSD'ed all over my plans.
NEV SCHULMAN - Brian, is that true? Did you PTSD all over Jesse's surprise?
JESSE - It's true. And now we're totes dunzo.
MAX JOSEPH - Jesse, is that true? Are you "totes dunzo"?
JESSE - Yes. I guess my tattoo was wrong after all. Not everything's possible with a Philly accent, especially if you want to move to a hotbed of anti-Yankee sentiment.
MAX JOSEPH - **shuts laptop** Well, that was a complete waste of time. Want to take old-timey photos with me?
NEV SCHULMAN - Can we roll around together on the floor in our costumes afterwards?
MAX JOSEPH - Duh.
THE END.
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