Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 7

Gabbin' with the girls (who all sucked face with the same dude).

 In Madeira, past Bachelorette contestants gather to give Des advice about her suitors...

JACKIE PARR - Hey girl! Remember when we were all tryna fuck the same dude?

LESLEY MURPHY - Now we're all best friends!


DESIREE HARTSOCK - Guys, as my trusted posse of people who tried to undermine me on television last year, I need your advice!

CATHERINE GIUDICI - Well, as the lone engaged woman in this group, I think - **the other women maul her and throw her corpse in the pool**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Now where were we?

JACKIE PARR  - Talkin' ' bout jaw bones n' buns!

LESLEY MURPHY  - Aw girl, you're such a Samantha! **they toast**

Des takes Brooks on a one-on-one...

BROOKS FORESTER - Have you prepared your metaphor for me?

DESIREE HARTSOCK - I have. Falling in love is like having a drunk brother. First, he's fun. Then, he's a good time when you're at a bar but weird when it's just the two of you watching TV. Eventually, he destroys your reputation on national television and you haven't seen him since your cousin Terry's eighth grade graduation party that had a dunk tank.

BROOKS FORESTER - Ok, sure. That's a great metaphor.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Or like... Running?

BROOKS FORESTER - YES! Let's go with that one instead.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Alright. I'm 100% running in this relationship with you.

BROOKS FORESTER - Well, I'm more at the pace of a disabled 'Nam vet stumbling out of a pub, but I'm sure I'll get there.

Des takes Chris on a one-on-one...

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - I was at the coffee shop from open to close preparing this poem for you.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - 12 whole hours?

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - It wasn't a Starbucks, you corporate whore. It was a local shop, open five hours.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Wow, that's still a really long time to write a poem. I'm sure it's amazing.

CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - Yep. Here I go.
Your name is Desiree, your hair color is from a box.
Your family is poor, you smell faintly of lox. 

DESIREE HARTSOCK - So... That's it?

CHRIS SIEGFRIED  - No, there's more - I love you.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Good enough for me. **they make out**

Des takes Zak and Drew on a two-on-one... 

ZAK WADDELL -  I drew you some crude caveman-like re-creations of our time together.

DESIREE HARTSOCK -  Aw, I love that!

DREW KENNEY - And I have decided you can meet my sister.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Aw, I love that, too!

DREW KENNEY  - But she's severely disabled.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Oh. **producer whispers to her** Crap, I forget about those freakin' cameras. Ahem. Aw, I love that!

Des takes Michael on a one-on-one... 

DESIREE HARTSOCK - It's been a great day of forced affection and stifled conversation.

MICHAEL GAROFOLA -  Thank you. Now let's talk about my tombstone!



DESIREE HARTSOCK - Michael, you just have too gentle of a speaking voice for a man of your size and stature. Goodbye.

MICHAEL GAROFOLA - **dials cell, crying** Maaaaaaa.... I didn't get a rooooose... **mumbling from other side** I know, but I just want to be a better father and husband than Dad waaaaas...  I know, but now I can feel my Type 1 Diabetes flaring up!

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Can I, like, go?

MICHAEL GAROFOLA -  Yeah, you can go. **into phone** Yep, Ma, I'm still here.


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