Monday, July 8, 2013

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 14 - "The Cold War"

"Watching a movie" is the new euphemism for sex with two people at the same time.

Alexis visits Lydia's house before their vacation...

ALEXIS BELLINO - I brought something for you.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - A crystal-studded bible?

ALEXIS BELLINO - Yeah, but the crystals come off. **plucks them off,  puts them in her purse** Ye who gives, shall taketh away. You know how that all goes.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Um, thank you. But I already have a bible with no crystals on it.

ALEXIS BELLINO  - Yeah, but is it pocket-sized, for when evil bitches start tearing you apart in Costa Rica for having six cars, and you need to pray that they all get eaten by little monkeys? HUH, IS IT?!??!

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - We're going to Canada. There are no monkeys, and I do not have six cars.

ALEXIS BELLINO - If you're going to be so literal all the time, perhaps Christianity isn't for you.

JIM BELLINO -**from the car** Alexis, as my wife, you must submit to me right this instant with a man-boob massage!


On the bus to Whistler..

HEATHER DUBROW - Well, these 10 minute in Canada have been fun, but this bus needs to turn around and take me back to the airport. Because of, you know, MALIBU COUNTRY.


HEATHER DUBROW - MALIBU COUNTRY, starring Reba McEntire, is the show I've been asked to appear on.


HEATHER DUBROW - Didja hear that, Gretchen? I can only spend 10 minutes in Canada because I have an appearance on MALIBU COUNTRY.


HEATHER DUBROW - So if anybody else thinks they were offered a role on MALIBU COUNTRY, they were not.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh, I think they called me to ask about my schedule.

HEATHER DUBROW - But it wasn't for the same role. Capiche?

ALEXIS BELLINO - Sure, that's cool.

HEATHER DUBROW - **whispers** Malibu Country.

On the slopes...

TAMRA BARNEY - Word in Whistler is that you love a good threesome.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Who doesn't?

TAMRA BARNEY - Cameras are rolling.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Shit. I mean, WE WERE WATCHING A MOVIE!!!! Who even told you this?

TAMRA BARNEY - Lauri told her horse. 

VICKI GUNVALSON - So Lauri told Gretchen.

TAMRA BARNEY  - Nice job picking up on that joke.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - **Gretchen and Lauri ski up** I never said they were having sex. I said they were naked and rubbing their genitals all over each other's genitals all at once.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - You said she was having indiscrepancies, which, same thing.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Indiscrepancies? That's not even a word. You're the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met.

LAURI WARING PETERSON -  I think you meant "indiscretions", Gretchen.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - No, I mean indiscrepancies, like I had when I was screwing other men while engaged to my dying fiancé, Jeff. **realizes what she just said** Oops.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Lauri, I trusted you. I put you up in a shoebox-sized home office and let you make cold calls when no one else would give you a chance.

LAURI WARING PETERSON - That's true, but now I'm hard-up for cash and want back on the show.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Let's just all just acknowledge that none of us would ever engage in lewd sexual acts, and that skiing is for dorks.

GREG, LYDIA'S UNCLE - **appears on the slopes naked** Can I interest any of you ladies in some lewd sexual acts?


No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal