Monday, July 1, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 6

James's head.

Drew and Des go on a date in Barcelona...

DREW - This is fun and all, but my dad's an alcoholic. If I have to think about it every single second I'm not thinking about sex with men, then so do you.

DES - Thank you for sharing. There's just something about you that makes me trust you so much.

DREW - Is that something the lack of sexual chemistry you feel due to my low testosterone levels?

DES - Perhaps.

DREW - Well, I have something to tell you. When Mikey and James were talking amongst themselves, they thought I was sleeping, but I was really touching myself to the sound of their voices.

DES - I cannot wait to hear where this one is going.

DREW - I heard them say that when they return to Chicago, they'll find themselves in intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money.

DES - Shit. I'm only 5'2". And I grew up poorer than Precious.

DREW - Yep. In short, they're not here for the right reasons.

DES - I should kiss you for that kind of insider info!

DREW - Please don't. This contouring bronzer took 20 minutes to apply to my jaw line.

DES - Oh, ok. Sorry.

Zak and Des go on a date...

ZAK - My mom is just a bundle of joy.

DES - Bundle of joy?

ZAK - That's what I said.  **they make out**

The men confront James about his Bachelor aspirations...

KASEY -  Drew and I heard you say you're going to find yourselves in intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money!

JAMES - Wait... who even ARE you?

KASEY - I'm Kasey.

MICHAEL G - **pounds gavel** Order! Order in the court! The prosecution may now cross-examine the defendant.

DREW - I think that's you.

MICHAEL G - Oh right. James, if they said it about you, it's true. They clearly have low testosterone levels, and you look like something The Situation shat out after a coke binge.

JAMES - Whatever, you've never even had a one on one that the producers hand-select! Fuckin' two on one LOSER!!

MICHAEL G - Order! Order in the court!

JAMES - That's not even a real gavel! It's a sausage you smuggled from Munich!

MICHAEL G - True. Have you ever considered law school?

JAMES - No. I've got intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money to look forward to.


JAMES - Damn it.

Des confronts James about his Bachelor aspirations...

JAMES - Des, I was just being realistic.

DES - It's not very realistic to think ABC would select someone with such a dark skin tone to be the bachelor.

JAMES - Maybe you're right. **starts to cry**

DES  - Shit, I'm sorry. You're, what, Italian? Greek? You still have a shot.

JAMES - Thanks. That means a lot.

At the rose ceremony...

DES - Juan Pablo, I'm sending you back to your daughter who you neglected to mention until your sixth week here.

JUAN PABLO - Gracias.

DES - James, I'm sending you back to Chicago so you and Mikey can pick up Trixies in Lincoln Park with Ed Swirderski.

JAMES - I can't lie. It's gonna be fucking sweet.

CHRIS HARRISON - Please leave. You have disgraced this program. **whispers to him** But will you please promote my menswear line by buying tanks in every color?

JAMES - Sure I guess.

CHRIS HARRISON - **still whispering** Because you have an amazing body.

JAMES - K, gonna go now...



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