Monday, July 29, 2013

Princesses: Long Island Recap, Episode 9 - "The Elephant in the Vineyard"

Salty boners all around!

Babs hosts Jeff's family for dinner...

JEFF HOFFMAN - I'm so happy to be in this room with the woman I love, and both of our families.

BABS BERTONCINI - And you'll be in this room for many years to come, because Amanda is living with me until I hit menopause. Which is still veeeery far off. **winks at Jeff's dad**

AMANDA BERTONCINI - Ma, I'm thinking about getting a place with Jeff. Just he and I.

JEFF'S MOM - That would be great! As much as any parent would love for their 36-year-old son to live with them forever and eat all the lox in the fridge without ever replacing it, we support Jeff in whatever he wants.

JEFF HOFFMAN - That's great to hear. **starts making out with Amanda at the table** 

TAYLOR BERTONCINI -  Maaaaa.... My vocal fry is making it hard to swaaaalloooooooow...

BABS BERTONCINI  - **ignoring Taylor** Yeah, no. Amanda's only 26. She stays with her MOTHER.

TAYLOR BERTONCINI  - Maaaa... I'm chokiiiiiing... **grabs throat**

JEFF'S DAD - Babs, I think your daughter's in trouble.

BABS BERTONCINI  -  **looking at Amanda** You can say that again. **slaps Jeff's hand away from Amanda's boob** Stop groping at the table!!!

AMANDA BERTONCINI  - You're just jealous.

**Taylor passes out**

JEFF'S DAD I meant your other daughter.

BABS BERTONCINI  - **glances at Taylor's corpse** Well, now we know SHE'S never going anywhere, at least.

Erica treats the girls to a day of wine-tasting and boat-riding...

ERICA GIMBEL - **after peeing in the grapes** Ladies, this is the dude who makes the wine and shit.

AMANDA BERTONCINI - Salty boner to you, sir.

WINE MAKER - Uh, to you, too. 

ERICA GIMBEL - Now that my bladder's empty, let's PARTY! **slams a sparkling white** Oh, I almost forgot. There's an elephant in the room.

ASHLEE WHITE - C'mon, Erica, Joey isn't THAT fat.

JOEY LAUREN - Talk to the hand! Talk to the hand!

ASHLEE WHITE - I thought your comebacks were all straight from the 1940s, but it sounds like you've got the 90s covered, too.

ERICA GIMBEL - See, I told you she talks crap about you.

ASHLEE WHITE - HEY! At my house you told me you never told Joey I say mean yet unimaginative things about her. My dad cut up a YELLOW WATERMELON. For you!

ERICA GIMBEL - Yeah, I lied. **downs another glass of sparkling white**

ASHLEE WHITE - Well, at least I still have Chanel on my side. Right, Chanel?

CHANEL OMARI - Sure, I guess.

ASHLEE WHITE - **to Joey** Your mother was right about you.

CHANEL OMARI  - Eeek, maybe not.

In the parking lot, Ashlee hysterically calls her parents....

ASHLEE WHITE - Mom? Can you charter a jet to take me back to Roslyn?

ILENE WHITE - Have you seen the decor of our house? We can barely afford to take the bus.

ASHLEE WHITE - Help... me...

HAL WHITE - **grabs phone** Whatever you need, darling. Maybe that nice Asian man from the nail salon can take you on his back.

ASHLEE WHITE  - That would be perfect. **disappears into the vineyard**

Chanel runs up to the party van...


ERICA GIMBEL - That sucks. Well, the yacht calls. **shuts van door in her face**

To be continued...

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