In Cartersville, GA, Max and Nev meet Dorion...
DORION - Hi, I'm Dorion, and this is my girlfriend Raffinee.
NEV SCHULMAN - Girlfriend? Sweet! Guess our work here is done, glad we could help! **starts to leave**
DORION - No, I have two girlfriends.
MAX JOSEPH - You know the Mormons didn't let people like you in until the 70s, right?
DORION - Both of these girlfriends find my lack of steady employment, history of homelessness, and fascination with sneakers very alluring.
MAX JOSEPH - Makes sense.
DORION - And now I must choose.
NEV SCHULMAN - Can you hold that thought? I need to moisturize my champ stamp.
MAX JOSEPH - Chaffing.
DORION - Yeah, sure.
Nev and Max sit down with Dorion and Raffinee to get more info...
NEV SCHULMAN - So, tell us what attracted you to Jeszica.
DORION - Well, she wears only underwear in her photos, and stays silent on the other end of the phone while I talk about my feelings.
MAX JOSEPH - Ever consider that she walked away to make a sandwich?
DORION - No. Girls like Jeszica don't eat regular human food. Raffinee on the other hand...
NEV SCHULMAN - Just a regular, ol' food-eating human.
DORION - Right. Real people are so... eh.
RAFFINEE - Excuse me, I have something to say.
NEV SCHULMAN - **ignores her** Well, let's go to Houston and meet who we hope is, best case scenario, a hot R2D2.
DORION - But with a human vagina, please.
NEV SCHULMAN - Reasonable request.
In Texas City, the gang arrives to meet Jeszica...
NEV SCHULMAN - Dorion, do you have any last words?
DORION - Jesus be with me.
NEV SCHULMAN - Who?
MAX JOSEPH - We're Jews, man. Have some respect.
DORION - Sorry.
ALEXIS - **comes to the door** Hi, I'm Alexis.
MAX JOSEPH - She's no Jeszica, but she's certainly no Loyda, either.
ALEXIS - I lied to you about being really hot, and about having a daughter.
DORION - What?!? You lied about having a child I could not feasibly contribute to raising financially? You bitch!
ALEXIS - But you lied to me, too! You have a girlfriend!
DORION - Whacking off in front of the computer gets old, ok?
ALEXIS - In my neck of the woods, also known as the "computer", that's called cheating!
NEV SCHULMAN - Whelp, as much as we'd love to stay and mediate, we really wanted to check out the NASA children's museum. **they get in the car**
MAX JOSEPH - Why does she live in the same house as Lauren from last week's episode?
NEV SCHULMAN - We've been doing this show too long, man.
Back at the Hampton Inn...
NEV SCHULMAN - So, Dorion, have you made a decision as to which woman you want to pick?
DORION - Well, it's hard because one woman lives in my house and the other lives 800 miles away.
MAX JOSEPH - I can see how that could be a difficult choice to make.
DORION - But I choose Raffinee. I know she'll have a good career as a medical office manager, because she already looks the part.
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's "get her on the horn", as they say. **fires up Skype**
DORION - Hi, Raffinee. The other chick turned out to be pudgy, so will you have me back?
RAFFINEE - Of course.
NEV SCHULMAN - **whispers** Have some pride, Rafinee
RAFFINEE - Oh yeah. Pride. Ahem. I will have you back after about two weeks of time off.
NEV SCHULMAN - Way to stand your ground.
THE END.
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