Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 5 - "Dorion & Jeszica"

True love waits... for you to figure out whether you prefer your internet girlfriend.

In Cartersville, GA, Max and Nev meet Dorion...

DORION - Hi, I'm Dorion, and this is my girlfriend Raffinee.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Girlfriend? Sweet! Guess our work here is done, glad we could help! **starts to leave**

DORION  - No, I have two girlfriends.

MAX JOSEPH - You know the Mormons didn't let people like you in until the 70s, right?

DORION   - Both of these girlfriends find my lack of steady employment, history of homelessness, and fascination with sneakers very alluring.

MAX JOSEPH  - Makes sense.

DORION  - And now I must choose.

NEV SCHULMAN - Can you hold that thought? I need to moisturize my champ stamp.

MAX JOSEPH - Chaffing.

DORION  - Yeah, sure.

Nev and Max sit down with Dorion and Raffinee to get more info...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, tell us what attracted you to Jeszica.

DORION - Well, she wears only underwear in her photos, and stays silent on the other end of the phone while I talk about my feelings.

MAX JOSEPH - Ever consider that she walked away to make a sandwich?

DORION  - No. Girls like Jeszica don't eat regular human food. Raffinee on the other hand...

NEV SCHULMAN - Just a regular, ol' food-eating human.

DORION   - Right. Real people are so... eh.

RAFFINEE - Excuse me, I have something to say.

NEV SCHULMAN - **ignores her** Well, let's go to Houston and meet who we hope is, best case scenario, a hot R2D2.

DORION  - But with a human vagina, please.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Reasonable request.

In Texas City, the gang arrives to meet Jeszica...

NEV SCHULMAN - Dorion, do you have any last words?

DORION  - Jesus be with me.


MAX JOSEPH - We're Jews, man. Have some respect.

DORION  - Sorry.

ALEXIS - **comes to the door** Hi, I'm Alexis.

MAX JOSEPH - She's no Jeszica, but she's certainly no Loyda, either.

ALEXIS - I lied to you about being really hot, and about having a daughter.

DORION  - What?!? You lied about having a child I could not feasibly contribute to raising financially? You bitch!

ALEXIS  - But you lied to me, too! You have a girlfriend!

DORION  - Whacking off in front of the computer gets old, ok?

ALEXIS  - In my neck of the woods, also known as the "computer", that's called cheating!

NEV SCHULMAN - Whelp, as much as we'd love to stay and mediate, we really wanted to check out the NASA children's museum.  **they get in the car**

MAX JOSEPH  - Why does she live in the same house as Lauren from last week's episode?

NEV SCHULMAN - We've been doing this show too long, man.

Back at the Hampton Inn...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, Dorion, have you made a decision as to which woman you want to pick?

DORION  - Well, it's hard because one woman lives in my house and the other lives 800 miles away.

MAX JOSEPH -  I can see how that could be a difficult choice to make.

DORION   - But I choose Raffinee. I know she'll have a good career as a medical office manager, because she already looks the part.  

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's "get her on the horn", as they say. **fires up Skype**

DORION  - Hi, Raffinee. The other chick turned out to be pudgy, so will you have me back?

RAFFINEE - Of course.

NEV SCHULMAN - **whispers** Have some pride, Rafinee

RAFFINEE - Oh yeah. Pride. Ahem. I will have you back after about two weeks of time off.

NEV SCHULMAN - Way to stand your ground.


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