Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 4 - "Lauren & Derek

Ep.204 | ‘Lauren & Derek’
"You spent how much on a bird bath?!?"

After the Ramon/Paola/Loyda fiasco, the team wakes up in their hotel room...

NEV SCHULMAN - Imagine my surprise to be awakened at the Hampton Inn Deltona Florida by a  letter from a 21-year-old named Lauren.

MAX JOSEPH - You were surprised? The producers give us a list of everywhere we're going a month before filming starts.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Shhh. "Dear Nev. I have been chatting and digitally pleasuring myself with Derek since I was 14."

MAX JOSEPH  - I didn't know how to digitally pleasure myself until I was 20.

NEV SCHULMAN - "I even broke off an engagement, which was a wise thing to do because now my son and I live with my Dad and I work at a car wash."

MAX JOSEPH  - This girl is, pardon my French, a fucking retard.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Max, we're doing this to help people. To Tyler, Texas!


Nev and Max do their Google Image research, and present the findings to Lauren in Tyler, TX...

NEV SCHULMAN - So what's the story that led to you being a single, destitute mother in a ranch tract home?

LAUREN - You see, my mom died when I was six, and my father is in the Navy. He's very strict.

MAX JOSEPH  - I can see that. **looks at Lauren's young son**

LAUREN'S DAD - **entering with his wife** What the fuuuck?

NEV SCHULMAN  - Oh, hey. We're a film crew for a TV show.

LAUREN'S STEPMOM - Date My Mom? I'm only a stepmom, but I'm totally down. 

MAX JOSEPH  - No, Catfish.Your daughter here has had an online relationship with a dude with bad facial hair for over eight years.

LAUREN'S DAD - **starts to cry**

LAUREN - What's wrong, Dad?

LAUREN'S STEPMOM - He thinks he failed because you got pregnant at 16 and are now chatting with a 55-year-old black man.

NEV SCHULMAN  - R. LeVourne is actually only 47.

MAX JOSEPH - I guess the old adage "black don't crack" doesn't always hold true.

Lauren flies to Baltimore to meet Derek...

LAUREN - I'm so excited!

MAX JOSEPH - Don't be. The only relationship that ever worked out on this show turned out to be a trans individual.

LAUREN- You guys are being... POOPY STICKS IN THE MUD!

MAX JOSEPH - Did she just go there?

NEV SCHULMAN  - She did.

At Derek's house, Lauren turns around to see the same Derek from his photographs, and not a middle-aged black man..

LAUREN - It's really you! I'm so excited!

DEREK - Don't be. I live with my parents because I spend my money on things like bird baths.

LAUREN - So... Do you think you could help support me and my son?


NEV SCHULMAN  - **wrapping things up** Uh, we're gonna go! Glad to see it's going to work out!

MAX JOSEPH - We're calling this one a success, byeeee!


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