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| "Hahahaha!" (Kill me these people are cray cray) |
Des does Dallas with Zak...
ZAK WADDELL - Welcome to Dallas!
DESIREE HARTSOCK - I almost got to come here last year, until my brother ruined it, that FUCKING TRASHY PIECE OF TATTOO DUNG!
ZAK WADDELL - Whoa, whoa, easy now. **Stuffs a sno cone down her throat.** And there's more where that came from.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Dick joke? Clever.
ZAK WADDELL - No, there's literally more. **Brings out sno cone truck** Let's feed these to school children and disrespect Michelle Obama.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - When in Texas...
At Zak's parents' house...
ZAK WADDELL - This is my mom, and no, she does not have jizz in her hair like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Nice to meet you. I'm glad you don't have jizz in your hair.
ZAK'S MOM - I'm not.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Ooookaaay...
ZAK'S SISTER - Des, me and Keith and Danny Partridge have prepared a song for you. **silence** Kidding!
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Phew, I was gonna say, what a stupid fucking idea.
ZAK'S SISTER - Um.. We were just kidding about being The Partridge Family.
ZAK WADDELL - We really did prepare a song.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Oh.
ZAK'S SISTER - And now you've ruined it.
In Scottsdale, Arizona, Des meets with Drew...
DREW KENNEY - Great news! We're going to pick up my severely mentally handicapped sister Melissa from the home!
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Can't we, like, set our secondary sex organs on fire or allow homeless people to defecate on us, or do anything else that is not that?
DREW KENNEY - Oh, you. Always joking around.
At Drew's parents' house...
MALACHI, DREW'S DAD - I have a tough question. Do you believe alcoholism is a real thing?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Uh... no?
MALACHI, DREW'S DAD - Good answer. **takes a shot** Next tough question. Do you believe in angels?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Uh... yes?
MALACHI, DREW'S DAD - Good answer. Melissa is an angel. And in our family, we keep our angels in a home.
Drew corners Des in the driveway...
DREW KENNEY - You're so awesome and fun and sweet and have an enlarged clitoris that looks like a dick and positive and smart and I love you!
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Aw! Wait... What was that quality you stuck in the middle there?
DREW KENNEY - Positive?
In Salt Lake City, Des meets with Brooks...
BROOKS FORESTER - So what do you have for me to convince me I love you?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Shouldn't this be the other way around?
BROOKS FORESTER - Nope. You're no Emily Maynard, Des.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - True. I wrote a list of cool things we've done together. **reads** One, sat in clouds. Two, talked in clouds. Three, kissed in clouds. Four -
BROOKS FORESTER - Ok, I think I get it.
At Drew's mom's house...
BROOKS FORESTER - Des, meet the actors I hired to make it look like people love me.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Hi guys.
BROOKS FORESTER - My mom's real, though.
JANICE, BROOKS'S MOM - You're my favorite child, Brooks.
BROOKS FORESTER - Of course, because the others were paid to be here.
JANICE, BROOKS'S MOM - This is confusing. Couldn't the three of us have dinner together?
BROOKS FORESTER - Oh, the elderly. **tries to suffocate her with a throw pillow**
In McMinnville, Oregon, Des meets Chris's family...
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Dad, Des hurt her back while giving me an underwater bj.
BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM - CHRIS!
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Kidding, kidding! It was in a forest.
GEORGE, CHRIS'S DAD - Des, why don't you come down to my chiropractic office and I'll fix your alignment?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Ok...
GEORGE, CHRIS'S DAD - I have lighting and nature sounds to make it seem juuuuust like a forest.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um, nevermind I'll stay up here thanks.
Chris talks to his mom outside...
BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM - I liked Pol Pot better than your last girlfriend.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Hahaha.
BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM - I'm not joking.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Oh.
BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM - And blow your nose, please. Your father made a mess of that shit.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Zak W, please leave. There was a time when I gave people with unorthodox name spellings a chance, but that time has passed.
ZAK WADDELL - Wow. I thought the primary reason for my dismissal would be that my cheeks permanently look like I've just had my wisdom teeth removed.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - No, I actually like that. More room for my enlarged clitoris.
DREW KENNEY - I KNEW IT!
The End.
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