Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 8

"Hahahaha!" (Kill me these people are cray cray)

Des does Dallas with Zak...

ZAK WADDELL - Welcome to Dallas!

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - I almost got to come here last year, until my brother ruined it, that FUCKING TRASHY PIECE OF TATTOO DUNG!

ZAK WADDELL - Whoa, whoa, easy now. **Stuffs a sno cone down her throat.** And there's more where that came from.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Dick joke? Clever.

ZAK WADDELL  - No, there's literally more. **Brings out sno cone truck** Let's feed these to school children and disrespect Michelle Obama.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - When in Texas...

At Zak's parents' house...

ZAK WADDELL - This is my mom, and no, she does not have jizz in her hair like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.

 DESIREE HARTSOCK - Nice to meet you. I'm glad you don't have jizz in your hair.

ZAK'S MOM - I'm not.

 DESIREE HARTSOCK - Ooookaaay...

ZAK'S SISTER - Des, me and Keith and Danny Partridge have prepared a song for you. **silence** Kidding!

 DESIREE HARTSOCK - Phew, I was gonna say, what a stupid fucking idea.

ZAK'S SISTER - Um.. We were just kidding about being The Partridge Family.

ZAK WADDELL - We really did prepare a song.


ZAK'S SISTER - And now you've ruined it.

In Scottsdale, Arizona, Des meets with Drew...

DREW KENNEY - Great news! We're going to pick up my severely mentally handicapped sister Melissa from the home!

 DESIREE HARTSOCK -  Can't we, like, set our secondary sex organs on fire or allow homeless people to defecate on us, or do anything else that is not that?

DREW KENNEY - Oh, you. Always joking around.

At Drew's parents' house...

MALACHI, DREW'S DAD - I have a tough question. Do you believe alcoholism is a real thing?


MALACHI, DREW'S DAD  - Good answer. **takes a shot**  Next tough question. Do you believe in angels?


MALACHI, DREW'S DAD - Good answer. Melissa is an angel. And in our family, we keep our angels in a home.

Drew corners Des in the driveway...

DREW KENNEY - You're so awesome and fun and sweet and have an enlarged clitoris that looks like a dick and positive and smart and I love you!

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - Aw! Wait... What was that quality you stuck in the middle there?

DREW KENNEY - Positive?

In Salt Lake City, Des meets with Brooks...

BROOKS FORESTER  - So what do you have for me to convince me I love you?

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Shouldn't this be the other way around?

BROOKS FORESTER  - Nope. You're no Emily Maynard, Des.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - True. I wrote a list of cool things we've done together. **reads** One, sat in clouds. Two, talked in clouds. Three, kissed in clouds. Four -

BROOKS FORESTER - Ok, I think I get it.

At Drew's mom's house...

BROOKS FORESTER   - Des, meet the actors I hired to make it look like people love me.


BROOKS FORESTER - My mom's real, though.

JANICE, BROOKS'S MOM - You're my favorite child, Brooks.

BROOKS FORESTER  - Of course, because the others were paid to be here.

JANICE, BROOKS'S MOM - This is confusing. Couldn't the three of us have dinner together?

BROOKS FORESTER - Oh, the elderly. **tries to suffocate her with a throw pillow**

In McMinnville, Oregon, Des meets Chris's family...

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Dad, Des hurt her back while giving me an underwater bj.


CHRIS SIEGFRIED   - Kidding, kidding! It was in a forest.

GEORGE, CHRIS'S DAD - Des, why don't you come down to my chiropractic office and I'll fix your alignment?


GEORGE, CHRIS'S DAD - I have lighting and nature sounds to make it seem juuuuust like a forest.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um, nevermind I'll stay up here thanks.

Chris talks to his mom outside...

CHRIS SIEGFRIED - So do you like her better than my last girlfriend?

BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM - I liked Pol Pot better than your last girlfriend.


BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM  - I'm not joking.


BECKY, CHRIS'S MOM  - And blow your nose, please. Your father made a mess of that shit.

At the rose ceremony...

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Zak W, please leave. There was a time when I gave people with unorthodox name spellings a chance, but that time has passed.

ZAK WADDELL  - Wow. I thought the primary reason for my dismissal would be that my cheeks  permanently look like I've just had my wisdom teeth removed.

DESIREE HARTSOCK  - No, I actually like that. More room for my enlarged clitoris.


The End.

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