Monday, June 24, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 5

Bryden doesn't need Des when he's knee deep in Montana snatch.

Chris and Des go on a 1 on 1 in Munich...

CHRIS - First, we're gonna eat both ends of a sausage. Then, we're gonna take pictures with a gnome. And the grand finale is dorky polka dancing.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Wow. Sounds great.

BRYDEN - Hey, guys. I hate to interrupt, but -


**awkward silence**

BRYDEN - Ahem. But I wanted Des to know that I'm not into silver eyeshadow, so I'm leaving.

CHRIS - Oh. 

Zak pulls Des aside on the mountain...

ZAK - Last time I was here in Europe, I was contemplating leading a life of celibacy and being a priest.

DES - A priest? Are you serious?

ZAK - No. Have you seen my abs? **pulls up shirt** I was just listening to Judas Priest on the regs and having a lot of anal. Same dif.

Des takes Michael and Ben to dinner for the 2 on 1...

DES - So, um, do you guys like family traditions?

MICHAEL - Des, I'll take it from here, if you don't mind. I'm a lawyer.

DES - Oh, ok. Go ahead.

MICHAEL - Ben, why haven't you mentioned your son since the first night you trotted him out for the cameras?

BEN - That's easy. It's difficult to talk about him because I miss him so much.

MICHAEL - And if you're such a religo, how come you sat on the couch watching David Hasselhoff videos while the rest of us went to church?

BEN - Duh, I have bunions.

MICHAEL - And how come all the other guy hate your ugly guts?

BEN - I'm not here to make friends.

MICHAEL - And why -

BEN - You know what? I'm not going to engage in this. I am a good, CHRISTIAN man. **under his breath** Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew.

MICHAEL - Did you hear that, Des?

DES - I did. Ben, I'll tolerate narcissism, duplicitousness, and absentee dadism, but I do NOT tolerate anti-Semitism. My grandpa knew a Jewish guy in primary school, and I heard he was cool. Please leave.

BEN - Fine. Have fun with Woody Allen over here. I'll be living the single dad glamour life in Texas. **leaves**

**Des and Michael sit in awkward silence**

At the rose ceremony...

DES - Mikey, please return to your toilets in Chicago. You do not get a rose.

MIKEY - Dat der's fucked up.

JAMES - Peace out, bro. I'll introduce you to all those tall, good-looking women with lots of money when I get back in town.

DES - Excuse me?

JAMES - Shit.


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