Monday, June 3, 2013

Princesses: Long Island Recap, Episode 1 - "You Had Me At Shalom"


Shabbat shalom, go fuck yourself.

















Jeff and Amanda go bathing suit shopping with Babs...

JEFF HOFFMAN - **to clerk** Do you have any string bikinis? String bikinis.

STORE CLERK - Yes, sir, but I don't believe we carry your size.

JEFF HOFFMAN  - What?!? Not for me, mashugana, for my girlfriend.

STORE CLERK - Girlfriend, like friend who is also a girl? A shopping buddy?

JEFF HOFFMAN - No, like my 26-year-old girlfriend who constantly gives me boners cuz I'm soooo hot for her!

STORE CLERK - I'm sorry, sir, I thought you were...

JEFF HOFFMAN - A faygela? Listen, a man can love clothes and Lady GaGa and anal sex with a man and still be straight as an arrow, ok?

STORE CLERK - Yes, of course.

JEFF HOFFMAN - **heads over to dressing rooms** Honey? Are you and your mother ready to show me your amazing buzongas and tuchuses?

AMANDA BERTONCINI   - **pops out of dressing room in white bikini that's saggy in the butt** Ta da!

JEFF HOFFMAN - Oy. You, and that cleavage. Oy.

BABS, AMANDA'S MOM - **pops out of dressing room in hideous one piece** Ta da!

JEFF HOFFMAN - And you, with those thigh bones. Oy, I'm so horny for both of you that I need a hole cut in my pocket.

At Erica's pool party...

SARA, JOEY'S FRIEND - **drunkenly approaches Amanda and Jeff** I just think you should know, your boyfriend is my Facebook friend.

AMANDA BERTONCINI - So?

SARA - So? He poked me.

JOEY LAUREN - Ok, that's kind of weird.

JEFF HOFFMAN - So I poke. Sometimes I poke girls, but I mostly poke boys. Take a stroll.

SARA - No, I will not take a stroll! I will stand right here in my fringe bikini while everyone else is fully clothed, FAGGOT!!!

**a hush falls over the crowd as they take in the use of F word**

ERICA GIMBEL - **steps in** Ahem. This is a classy north shore party. If you're going to call people who are obviously gay gay, then please use less offensive terms.

JEFF HOFFMAN - This sucks! Everybody sucks! I also suck, especially if he's Puerto Rican!

AMANDA BERTONCINI - Huh?

JEFF HOFFMAN - Nothing. Let's return our focus to the maniac running around in a fringe bikini.


At a nail salon in Roslyn... 
  
ASHLEE WHITE - Dad, why is it so hard to find an aggressive, alpha male like you out there?

ASHLEE'S DAD - It's like finding a matzoh ball in Kansas, darling. **to pedicurist as he relaxes in the chair** Cupcake shimmer, please.

ASHLEE WHITE - Do you think one of these Asians will carry me on their backs so I can secure a position as the zany one on the show?

ASHLEE'S DAD - You know what I always say, honey. When it comes to Asians, you might as well ask.

ASHLEE WHITE -  Oh, Daddy. **she asks, and it turns out her dad is right** 















Ashlee pulls up to Joey's house in Freeport...

ASHLEE WHITE - Dad, I'm scared. There are brown people and car ports.

ASHLEE WHITE - You know what I always say, darling. If they're brown, you must get out of that town or municipality.

ASHLEE WHITE -  Oh, Daddy. **speeds off, leaving Joey**















Chanel eats dinner with her Orthodox family...

CHANEL OMARI -  My 24-year-old sister is getting married before me! This is so embarrassing.

ASHLEY OMARI - Yep.

CHANEL'S MOM - Pretty embarrassing.

CHANEL'S DAD - I'd probably kill myself if I was you.

CHANEL OMARI - Maybe if I'd have gotten a nose job in high school, things would have turned out differently.

**everybody silently slurps their soup**


THE END.


10 comments:

  1. does Amanda care that jeff is gay or bi ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is totally gay! did you see how thrilled his parents were when he brought her to dinner with them?

      Delete
  2. is ashlee an only child? does she have a job?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ashlee is a spoiled rotten charcterless JAP bitch - she has a very unhealthy relationship with her father - they're like lovers who can't get off the phone with one another -

      Delete
    2. Ashlee is an only child who is more like a wife to her father than a daughter - she is spoiled rotten and never worked a day in her life

      Delete
  3. Jeff is as gay as a 3 dollar bill

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ashley is a disgusting princess who is spoiled rotten and has no character - why would a nice Jewish boy want u - u bring nothing to the table - you're an entitled bitch

    ReplyDelete
  5. Amanda Bertoncinii - wake up and smell the coffee - he is gay

    ReplyDelete
  6. Chanel - big fuckin' deal that your sister gets married before you - get over yourself! get some education and character building - how dare you indulge your petty selfish feelings at a time of joy for your sister - you little bitch

    ReplyDelete
  7. We Jews don't want people to think we're all like these selfish entitled uneducated bitches who have had everything handed to them - so materialistic and lacking in any character or genuine interests - that stupid drink hankey is a freakin' joke you idiot

    ReplyDelete

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