Monday, June 3, 2013

Princesses: Long Island Recap, Episode 1 - "You Had Me At Shalom"

Shabbat shalom, go fuck yourself.

Jeff and Amanda go bathing suit shopping with Babs...

JEFF HOFFMAN - **to clerk** Do you have any string bikinis? String bikinis.

STORE CLERK - Yes, sir, but I don't believe we carry your size.

JEFF HOFFMAN  - What?!? Not for me, mashugana, for my girlfriend.

STORE CLERK - Girlfriend, like friend who is also a girl? A shopping buddy?

JEFF HOFFMAN - No, like my 26-year-old girlfriend who constantly gives me boners cuz I'm soooo hot for her!

STORE CLERK - I'm sorry, sir, I thought you were...

JEFF HOFFMAN - A faygela? Listen, a man can love clothes and Lady GaGa and anal sex with a man and still be straight as an arrow, ok?

STORE CLERK - Yes, of course.

JEFF HOFFMAN - **heads over to dressing rooms** Honey? Are you and your mother ready to show me your amazing buzongas and tuchuses?

AMANDA BERTONCINI   - **pops out of dressing room in white bikini that's saggy in the butt** Ta da!

JEFF HOFFMAN - Oy. You, and that cleavage. Oy.

BABS, AMANDA'S MOM - **pops out of dressing room in hideous one piece** Ta da!

JEFF HOFFMAN - And you, with those thigh bones. Oy, I'm so horny for both of you that I need a hole cut in my pocket.

At Erica's pool party...

SARA, JOEY'S FRIEND - **drunkenly approaches Amanda and Jeff** I just think you should know, your boyfriend is my Facebook friend.


SARA - So? He poked me.

JOEY LAUREN - Ok, that's kind of weird.

JEFF HOFFMAN - So I poke. Sometimes I poke girls, but I mostly poke boys. Take a stroll.

SARA - No, I will not take a stroll! I will stand right here in my fringe bikini while everyone else is fully clothed, FAGGOT!!!

**a hush falls over the crowd as they take in the use of F word**

ERICA GIMBEL - **steps in** Ahem. This is a classy north shore party. If you're going to call people who are obviously gay gay, then please use less offensive terms.

JEFF HOFFMAN - This sucks! Everybody sucks! I also suck, especially if he's Puerto Rican!


JEFF HOFFMAN - Nothing. Let's return our focus to the maniac running around in a fringe bikini.

At a nail salon in Roslyn... 
ASHLEE WHITE - Dad, why is it so hard to find an aggressive, alpha male like you out there?

ASHLEE'S DAD - It's like finding a matzoh ball in Kansas, darling. **to pedicurist as he relaxes in the chair** Cupcake shimmer, please.

ASHLEE WHITE - Do you think one of these Asians will carry me on their backs so I can secure a position as the zany one on the show?

ASHLEE'S DAD - You know what I always say, honey. When it comes to Asians, you might as well ask.

ASHLEE WHITE -  Oh, Daddy. **she asks, and it turns out her dad is right** 

Ashlee pulls up to Joey's house in Freeport...

ASHLEE WHITE - Dad, I'm scared. There are brown people and car ports.

ASHLEE WHITE - You know what I always say, darling. If they're brown, you must get out of that town or municipality.

ASHLEE WHITE -  Oh, Daddy. **speeds off, leaving Joey**

Chanel eats dinner with her Orthodox family...

CHANEL OMARI -  My 24-year-old sister is getting married before me! This is so embarrassing.


CHANEL'S MOM - Pretty embarrassing.

CHANEL'S DAD - I'd probably kill myself if I was you.

CHANEL OMARI - Maybe if I'd have gotten a nose job in high school, things would have turned out differently.

**everybody silently slurps their soup**



  1. does Amanda care that jeff is gay or bi ?

    1. He is totally gay! did you see how thrilled his parents were when he brought her to dinner with them?

  2. is ashlee an only child? does she have a job?

    1. Ashlee is a spoiled rotten charcterless JAP bitch - she has a very unhealthy relationship with her father - they're like lovers who can't get off the phone with one another -

    2. Ashlee is an only child who is more like a wife to her father than a daughter - she is spoiled rotten and never worked a day in her life

  3. Jeff is as gay as a 3 dollar bill

  4. Ashley is a disgusting princess who is spoiled rotten and has no character - why would a nice Jewish boy want u - u bring nothing to the table - you're an entitled bitch

  5. Amanda Bertoncinii - wake up and smell the coffee - he is gay

  6. Chanel - big fuckin' deal that your sister gets married before you - get over yourself! get some education and character building - how dare you indulge your petty selfish feelings at a time of joy for your sister - you little bitch

  7. We Jews don't want people to think we're all like these selfish entitled uneducated bitches who have had everything handed to them - so materialistic and lacking in any character or genuine interests - that stupid drink hankey is a freakin' joke you idiot


web statistics
Wall Street Journal