Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Real World: Portland Recap, Episode 9 - "Heartbreak Hotel"

This is the Michigan interpretation of "hipster."

At Pizza Schmizza...

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Mark's coming tomorrow!

MARLON - Who the fuck is Mark?

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Only my boyfriend that I've been talking about non-stop for the past two months.

MARLON - You think people actually listen to you when you talk? Hahaha. Would you like a refill? **leaves**

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - That buttfucking asshole. How dare he ask who Mark is!

AVEREY - Such a dick. But seriously, who's Mark?

Mark arrives in Portland...

MARK - Hey girl. I got my ears pierced with gauges and bought a knit newsy cap because I want to fit in with the locals here in Portland.

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - The tattoos are a nice touch, too.

MARK - Thanks. The pyramid with the eyeball on the back of my neck is really meaningful. At least that's what it said next to the picture of it in the selection book at the tattoo parlor.

ANASTASIA "BIRD"  - Well, how does spending an amazing day canoodling together sound?

MARK - It's sounds...  PERFECT! ** drinks, yells, ends up in a hotel room alone** 

Back at the apartment...

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - I've made a decision, roommates. I'm going to leave to be with Mark.

MARLON - Did you say something?

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Yes! I'm going back to Michigan to be with Mark!

JORDAN -  Who the fuck is Mark?

NIA -  And what's Michigan?

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Ugh, forget it! **packs stuff**

Nia enters Averey and Johnny's room...

NIA - Hey, are you two fucking?

JOHNNY - Yeah.

NIA -  Cool. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about about what happened at Splash.

AVEREY - Can we finish fucking first?

NIA - Nah, carry on. I don't mind.

Anastasia holds a meeting in the living room...

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Well, the outpouring of emotion I've received from you guys since my announcement has changed my mind. I'll stay!

MARLON - What announcement?

MARK - **bursts into the apartment** Bird, please don't make me go back to Michigan alone. It sucks there. They put ranch on their pizza!

ANASTASIA "BIRD" - Sorry. I've got to do something for myself, which means destroying future employment prospects and opening myself up to ridicule from bloggers.

MARK - - But what about the gauges? And the tattoo?

ANASTASIA "BIRD" -  They're beautiful, but my mind is made up.

MARK - **rips out gauges, takes off knit cap and looks like a normal Michigander**  Back to The Boot, I guess. **leaves**

Jess approaches Johnny and Averey...

JESSICA - Bird's decision has really inspired me to come talk to you guys. Averey, I'm sorry for locking you in a bathroom that reeked of doodie.

AVEREY -  Thank you. That means a lot.

JESSICA - And Johnny, I'm sorry for saying your penis is small.

JOHNNY - Apology accepted.


JESSICA - Don't you have anything to say to me?

JOHNNY - Oh, right. I'm sorry for  calling you fat. I mean, you're fat, but not fat enough where I should have said it to your face. **they all hug**


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