Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 1

Desiree's heart and mouth are wide open. 



A young child steps out of the limo...

BRODY - Hi. I'm Brody, I'm four, and I'm ready to fuck.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - That's, um, super cute.

BEN SCOTT, BRODY'S DAD - Thanks. He practiced all night. P.S. - He's not the only person who can do something all night.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Uh... wow. So are you divorced, separated... ?

BEN SCOTT - Nah, my slam piece's IUD fell out after a morning sesh of bare-backin'. Nine months later, I got a call from the hospital. I didn't show up, though - Daddy needs a paternity test before he'll leave the house during Sons of Anarchy.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - **pushes him along** Ok great see you inside!

  Dude in Armor on Desiree's Promo

Des kicks around a soccer ball with Juan Pablo...

JUAN PABLO - Hola. Me llamo es Juan Pablo, y me gusta soccer and sexo con mis sobrinas.

DESIREE HARTSOCK -  Sounds great to me!

DIOGO - **wearing a suit of armor** But he just said he loves soccer and sex with his nieces!

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Beat it, D'Artagnan.

 Inside the mansion, Des meets with her suitors...

JONATHAN -  M'lady,  please accompany me to the fantasy suite.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - No. And my name is Des.

JONATHAN - But I fluffed throw pillows and did a quick swipe over the accent tables with my hands.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - How dare you! I'm not that type of girl, despite trying out twenty men for size on a network that also features Mark Cuban.

JONATHAN - No, it's not like a real fantasy suite, it's just a private room where we can talk.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Without cameras? You pig! **pushes him out the door, men cheer**

CHRIS HARRISON - Nice work, Des. Next time someone propositions you about doing something without cameras present, kick 'em to the curb.


Zak steps out of the limo without a shirt on...

ZAK WADDELL - Des, will you accept these abs? 

DESIREE HARTSOCK -  Sure, if I can leave the rest of you behind.

ZAK WADDELL - . I mean, if there was a way to separate my abdominal muscles from the rest of my body, yeah, of course I'd do it for you, but -

DESIREE HARTSOCK - CHRIS! **Chris Harrison leads out two men holding butcher knives** 

ZAK WADDELL - Noooooooo! **they hold him down**

Des meets Will from Chicago...

WILL - Hey, I'm the Black Guy. **high-fives her** Guess we'll be getting to know each other for at least two episodes.

DESIREE HARTSOCK- Yep. Despite there only being one of you and your extremely light skin, I still gotta keep you around so nobody thinks I'm a racist.

WILL - So you're open to dating me?

DESIREE HARTSOCK- Absolutely not. I just don't want anybody to think I'm a racist.


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