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| Gretchen's leased Rolls-Royce that Slade "bought" her. |
At the L'Auberge Del Mar parking lot...
GRETCHEN ROSSI - A Rolls-Royce? All for me?
SLADE SMILEY - All for you, as long as you agree to drive me to my once-a-week radio host job. And to any place but the gym.
GRETHEN ROSSI - How did you afford this on your meager, pathetic salary, all while your terminally ill son has doctor's bills that need to be paid?
SLADE SMILEY - It's called "priorities," honey. Anyway, it's only a couple hundred more a month than your Mercedes. PS - I need a check from you by tomorrow morning.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Couldn't you spend this money to be at your son's bedside a little longer?
SLADE SMILEY - Sure, I could do a lot of things. But those things don't make strangers I pass on the street think I'm rich.
GRETCHEN ROSSI - I can't wait to reproduce with you so you can make extravagant purchases while ignoring our child's needs, too.
SLADE SMILEY - Me neither, birthday girl. Me neither.
Lydia meets her mom at a restaurant...
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - So you're back to smoking pot?
JUDY STIRLING - I'm off that Doobie Wagon, baby, and I'm enjoying the ride.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - That doesn't even make any sense. Jesus, mom.... Why can't you just be a normal mother?
JUDY STIRLING - Didn't I give you love growing up? And hugs? And flaming hot Cheetos on the regs?
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Yes, but normal moms wear elastic-waistband pants and banana clips in their hair. They read Redbook. But most of all, they DON'T smoke marijuana.
JUDY STIRLING - Well, fuck that noise. And if you're so concerned about normal mothers, maybe you shouldn't have named your children Maverick and Stirling.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN- Sorry that I happen to love John McCain and matrilineal naming customs.
JUDY STIRLING - I prefer to get lost in the Land of the Bunnies, and not deal with the so-called "reality" capitalism has created for us. Is that ok?
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - You didn't seem to mind capitalism much when you were cashing the checks from grandpa's empire.
JUDY STIRLING - On that note, here's some normal mothering for you: BE QUIET. **takes a toke**
At Discount Acting School in a strip mall...
ACTING TEACHER - So what brought you to Discount Acting School?
ALEXIS BELLINO - Well, your two-for-one class coupon in the Penny Saver, for one.
ACTING TEACHER - Glad to hear somebody's still looking through those.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Jim doesn't let me use the Internet.
ACTING TEACHER - Do you have any experience? Besides pretending to be a Christian?
ALEXIS BELLINO - When I failed at being an actual news personality, I played one on General Hospital.
ACTING TEACHER - Anything else inspire you? Charlton Heston? Katherine Hepburn?
ALEXIS BELLINO - The Olson Twins.
ACTING TEACHER - Well, I've got some good news for you. After completing my course, I think you could get a gig acting as the person who hands out flyers for my school on the street.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Really?!?! You mean it?
ACTING TEACHER - I do. Hey, ever lay on a casting couch?
At the dinner party after Heather's appearance in "Hot in Cleveland"...
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Sorry Slade and I missed your entire performance. We were busy fucking in the... NEW ROLLS ROYCE HE BOUGHT ME!!!!
**silence**
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Ahem. Did anybody hear me say NEW ROLLS ROYCE??!
TAMRA BARNEY - Doesn't Slade have, like, a half-dead kid to take care of?
SLADE SMILEY - Watch yourself. It's three-quarters.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Well, now that I'm dating someone who doesn't pay child support, I'm certainly not one to criticize how someone spends their money.
TAMRA BARNEY - As long as he keeps providing you with rental fur coats, it's all good, right?
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Whoa. Glad to see you two have reconciled after your winery fight.
VICKI GUNVALSON - I'll never reconcile with someone who can't handle me keeping six-month dinner plans I've had for three months.
TAMRA BARNEY - I WILL CUT YOU LIKE BAD BANGS, BITCH.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Oh no. I'm getting flashbacks of my mom smoking pot and never fighting with anybody.
TAMRA BARNEY - I was just quoting the show, ok? **whispers to Vicki** But seriously. Bangs as bad as that lady sitting across from Heather.
HEATHER DUBROW - Hey, remember how everyone came here for ME? The person who still has a stain of Jane Leeves' spilled chamomile on her sweater?
TERRY DUBROW - I remember, honey, and I want to hear alllll about it. But first, I bought you this disguise so you don't get accosted on the street by hordes of adoring fans!
HEATHER DUBROW - Is this... a muzzle?
TERRY DUBROW - Just see how it looks!
HEATHER DUBROW - Ok, I guess. **puts it on**
TERRY DUBROW - Now the party can start!!!!! **everyone high fives him because Heather can no longer speak**
Tamra meets up with Lauri Waring Peterson at a restaurant...
TAMRA BARNEY - Excuse me, Eric Stoltz from "Mask." I'm here to meet Lauri Waring Peterson.
LAURI WARING PETERSON - Tamra, it's me. Lauri.
TAMRA BARNEY - OH SHIT!!!!!!!
LAURI WARING PETERSON - What's wrong? Is it because there's a black person sitting over there? I think she's just a worker.
TAMRA BARNEY - No, uh, you just look... different. So how are the kids?
LAURI WARING PETERSON - Great! Josh impregnated an IHOP waitress, Ashley is still single so she took up pills to lose weight, and Sophie rides horses to forget about how George touches her when he thinks she's sleeping.
TAMRA BARNEY - Awesome, glad to hear everybody's doing - **chunk of Lauri's cheek falls into Tamra's water glass** AHHHHH!
LAURI WARING PETERSON - Did a fly fall in your glass? I swear, this place has really gone down hill.
TAMRA BARNEY - Oh, it's not a big deal.
LAURI WARING PETERSON - So, give me the dish on Vicki. I hear she got AWFUL plastic surgery.
TAMRA BARNEY - It's, um, starting to look better in my mind actually.
LAURI WARING PETERSON - **other cheek melts into her soup** Some people just need to learn that less is more.
THE END.
H8Z9TBH2VPTU
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