Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 6 - "A Star Is Reborn?"

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Lydia and her mother meet for breakfast...

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Doug and I have a meeting with Temecula Style magazine on Friday about a possible merger. Can you watch the boys?

LYDIA'S MOM - More like can they watch me. I'm gonna be stoned off my ass.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - I thought you were taking a break?

LYDIA'S MOM - I was, until you presented me with the news that I was going to responsible for young lives for two hours. That's some stressful shit!

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - You were responsible for my young life for 18 years.

LYDIA'S MOM - And look how you turned out. Sounds like you'd rather fuck Jesus than your husband.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Doug and I have a very active sex life, if you must know. Just last month, we did it.



LYDIA'S MOM - Oh christ. Here. **dumps fairy dust/glitter in Lydia's eggs** You need this more than I do.

Alexis and Jim hang out in the shitter...

ALEXIS BELLINO - What's that saying from the bible? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, your husband should buy you something that makes the people bullying you jealous?

JIM BELLINO - Nice try. It's "shame on me."

ALEXIS BELLINO -  I wasn't trying to be clever. That was my interpretation of that piece of scripture.

JIM BELLINO - Speaking of scripture, how has turning your other cheek been going?

ALEXIS BELLINO - Great. When Tamra and Heather and Gretchen viciously attacked me, I called them all bitches while making sure my good side was on display for the camera.

JIM BELLINO - Um... I think we need to start spending more time with Pastor Tim.

Heather and Terry Dubrow celebrate Heather's role on "Hot in Cleveland" with their kids at a restaurant...

TERRY DUBROW - Max, don't listen to your mom about math when I'm the expert. Here's a sample equation from the real world - 475 CCs equals yes, please!

HEATHER DUBROW - Can you not make breast implant jokes at my celebration dinner?

TERRY DUBROW - Sorry, I didn't realize appearing on a basic cable program alongside a former Jenny Craig spokesperson was such a celebratory occasion.

HEATHER DUBROW - Oh, I forgot your business of injecting auto lubricant into the nasolabial folds of suburbanites is doing so much for the world.

TERRY DUBROW - Seemed to do plenty for you. AYO! **high fives his son**

HEATHER DUBROW - I'm glad you can laugh when I do so much for this family that you never acknowledge. I watch our nanny pick pumpkins for the kids. I watch our nanny change their diapers. I watch our nanny raise them into the amazing adults they will become!!!!

TERRY DUBROW - You're right.


TERRY DUBROW - Maybe I should quit the business and stay home with you and the kids? We can move in to a one-bedroom in Hacienda Heights and spend LOTS of quality time together.

HEATHER DUBROW - Point taken.

Brooks enters a restaurant, looking for Vicki...

BROOKS AYERS - Vicki? Beautiful Vicki Gunvalson? Love of my life, light of my days? Are you here? **searches the restaurant for her**

VICKI GUNVALSON - **seated in front of him** I'm right here, Brooks.

BROOKS AYERS - **startled** OH FUCK! I thought that was Ron Perlman from the Beauty and the Beast television series! 

VICKI GUNVALSON - Nope. But that was sort of the look I was going for, so that's good, I guess.

BROOKS AYERS - Jesus christ! I go back to Mississippi for one month to not pay child support, and this is what you do to yourself?  

VICKI GUNVALSON - I wanted my outside to reflect my insides, which is that of someone who is super horny but her daughter's husband is very particular about who she humps on the regs.

BROOKS AYERS - Your face might be hideous now, but your gift for sheer poetry remains.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh, Brooks. **starts to cry** I'm so in love with you. What am I supposed to do?

BROOKS AYERS - I don't know about you, but I plan to put back a rib-eye while figuring out how to meet up with our waitress later tonight.

VICKI GUNVALSON - What? Are you... dating other people?

BROOKS AYERS - I wouldn't call it dating... **slaps waitress on the ass** 

VICKI GUNVALSON - That Southern charm. It's irresistible.

BROOKS AYERS - Tell you what. If you can find a way to kill your daughter, her husband, and their baby, and hide any evidence, we can be together again.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Do you really mean that?

BROOKS AYERS - I do. **winks**

VICKI GUNVALSON - Then it shall be done.

To be continued...

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