Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 1 - "Bullies and Babies"

 Ron Perlman from Beauty and the Beast preps before the ball...

At the hospital, Brianna gives birth...
 
BRIANNA WOLFSMITH GUNVALSON WHATEVER RYAN'S LAST NAME IS - **plop** Troy's here!

VICKI GUNVALSON - How could anybody not believe in God when a baby with a penis came out of the vagina of someone who came out of my vagina? It's truly a miracle. **peeks in Troy's crib**

TROY - **cries** WHAAAAAAA! 

VICKI GUNVALSON - What, Troy? It's just me, your grandma! 

TROY -  Well, extreme plastic surgery affects the natural range of emotion on one's face, thus making it difficult for infants to identify the subject as human.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Well, fuck you then.



At the Bellino Estate...

ALEXIS BELLINO - After I got fired from Fox 5 and not one person purchased an item of clothing from my line, I just felt that tug of the homestead calling.

JIM BELLINO - See? I was right about a trampoline warehouse being the ticket to 6,000 Square Feet City, and I was right about you only being suitable for housework. 

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh, Jim. You are my king.

JIM BELLINO - And you're one of those slutty-looking peasant girls whose fashion choices belie their true virtue.

ALEXIS BELLINO - This is a romper, Jim. They're very stylish. PS - What is "belie"?

JIM BELLINO - Fuckin' beats me. Hey, do these jeans make my chin look short?



At Gretchen's duplex...
 
GRETCHEN ROSSI - Ugh, SOOOO many people want Gretchen Christine handbags that I just can't keep up! **receives only one order from a Nigerian prince**

TAMRA BARNEY - Knock knock! It's me and the minority investor in my fitness center!

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Not to mention a minority in America! BWAHAHAHAHA!

TAMRA BARNEY - BWAHAHAHAHA!

EDDIE JUDGE - Cunts. 

TAMRA BARNEY - Where's Slade? Busy not taking his terminally ill son to the hospital?

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Close. He's at his radio show where he mocks the facial features of insecure women and calls it comedy.

TAMRA BARNEY - That's cool. So, ready to go to Heather's?

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Almost, just gotta put on my outfit that's exactly the same as yours, except I'm fifteen years younger.

TAMRA BARNEY - **under her breath** Fuck you do not wear that you stupid bitch I will throw red wine in your cornea.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - **pretends not to hear** This party's gonna be super fun!




At Heather Dubrow's house, before the party...

CHEF -  So we'll serve the steak with new potatoes and green beans.  

TERRY DUBROW - How about onion rings instead? Maybe slap some of that Burger King sauce on the side? Mmmmm.... 

HEATHER DUBROW - STOP UNDERMINING ME, YOU IMPOTENT FUCK! 

TERRY DUBROW **to chef** - She's wrong about the impotent part, ok? You believe me, right? 

CHEF - Um, sure?


To be continued...