Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 11 - "The Olympian and the Rock Star"

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I'm 48 and I must be lone-layay.

Patti meets Adam Gaynor... 

PATTI STANGER - So I hear you used to be a member of Matchbox 20.

ADAM GAYNOR - Yep. I want to push you around.


ADAM GAYNOR - I was just kidding. That was a line in one of our songs.

PATTI STANGER - Oh. Well, it wasn't funny. If you try to be Jerry Seinfeld, you end up with the same women Jerry Seinfeld gets.

ADAM GAYNOR - Shoshanna Lonstein? Sounds good to me. **mimes juggling giant breasts**

PATTI STANGER - Stop that.

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 Patti meets Allison for smoothies...

PATTI STANGER - Tell me a little about yourself.

ALLISON BAVER - I dated Apolo Ohno.

PATTI STANGER - Ok, what else?

ALLISON BAVER - It was for six years. That's how long I dated Apolo Ohno. 

PATTI STANGER - Got it. But what about you? Your likes, dislikes?

ALLISON BAVER - I liked the way Apolo Ohno looked. I disliked the way Apolo Ohno ignored me most of the time.

PATTI STANGER - Is there anything about you that's not related to Apolo Ohno?


PATTI STANGER - Not your bronze metal in speed skating in the Olympics?

ALLISON BAVER - I only did that so I could meet Apolo Ohno.

PATTI STANGER - Great. You're really giving me a lot to work with here.

Adam Gaynor, Allison Baver, Patti Stanger

 At the mixer...

MARIO - Hi, I'm Mario. I'm Dominican, athletic, and pec-tactular.

ALLISON BAVER - Sounds pretty much perfect. But I think I'm going to go with this pasty dork over here.

MILES - **pops out from behind the bar** Did somebody say pasty dork?


Adams meets Shekinah...

SHEKINAH - Hi, I'm Shekinah.

ADAM GAYNOR - Nice. Your name rhymes with something I'm hoping to become acquainted with later.

SHEKINAH - You're going to China?!?! 

ADAM GAYNOR - Um, no. But that's sweet.

SHEKINAH - Sorry. I'm Amish. 

ADAM GAYNOR - We're both from cultures that end in "ish", so I think we'll be very happy together.

PATTI STANGER - **whispers in his ear** Shut the fuck up you're not funny nobody likes you.

ADAM GAYNOR - Thanks for the vote of confidence. How exactly did you land this dating coach gig, anyway?

PATTI STANGER - Craigslist.

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Allison and Miles fly kites...

MILES - So, what do you like in a man?

ALLISON BAVER - Half-Japanese. From the Pacific Northwest. Was on "Dancing with the Stars."

MILES - Are you aware that I don't meet any of those requirements?

ALLISON BAVER - I JUST WANT APOLOOOOOOOOO! **breaks down in tears** 

MILES - Ok. I'm gonna go now....

ALLISON BAVER - Will you just put on this doo rag and glide around in a circle for me? Just for a minute?

MILES - I guess I could do that.  **puts on doo rag and glides around in a circle** 

ALLISON BAVER - Oh, yeah, baby. Now grow a meager goatee and make your voice higher. Juuuust like that. **closes her eyes, feels herself** Uh huh. Oh yeah. **opens eyes to see that Miles has left** NOT AGAIN, APOLO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Adam Gaynor, Patti Stanger

 Adams takes Shekinah to make art...

ADAM GAYNOR - I know you're probably more into making wood furniture, but I thought we'd try a sculpture of a fish instead. **string quartet comes out** They're here to put us in the mood.

SHEKINAH - Wow. I've never been treated like this before. On past dates the guys would just take me out behind the barn.

ADAM GAYNOR - What can I say? The only men I look good next to are the Amish and the incarcerated.

SHEKINAH - But how do you stand next to them if you're incarcerated?

PATTI STANGER - **appears only to Adam ghost-form, whispers in Adam's ear** Shut the fuck up nobody cares about your stupid sense of humor you're going to be alone forever.  

ADAM GAYNOR - So, um, tell me about your daughter!

SHEKINAH - Well, her name is Sophia, she's five, and she's - hey, are you... crying?

ADAM GAYNOR - Nope! I'm fine. Please continue.

SHEKINAH - She loves yogurt and spear fishing, and -

ADAM GAYNOR - **breaks into heaving sobs** I'm sorry. It's not you. It's - there's this, um, ghost? Who looks like Patti Stanger and abuses me in my ear?

SHEKINAH - I may be Amish, but I'm not stupid! **leaves**

**Ghost Patti sabotages Adam's chances with Shekinah, helping to lower her matchmaking success rate to .01%**

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