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| "Check, please!" Bwahahahaha, good one! |
Vicki and Alexis meet on Vicki's patio...
ALEXIS BELLINO - Thanks for having me. Your face looks sooooo good. Same goes for your protruding belly.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Aw, thanks. Your hair looks cute. And I like your protruding belly, too. I guess there was no need for you to hire a surrogate, after all!
ALEXIS BELLINO - Guess not!
**silence**
VICKI GUNVALSON - So this is what a friendship rooted in a lack of any other options feels like, huh?
ALEXIS BELLINO - Yep.
**silence**
VICKI GUNVALSON - Say, would you like to accompany me to Tamra's gym opening? If you enjoy awkward silences you're gonna have the best time.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Do you think Tamra would even want me there? I'm suing her for calling me Jesus Jugs. Actually, Jesus is suing her - I'm just a co-plaintiff.
VICKI GUNVALSON - No, I don't. But since when do I give a shit about propriety and being considerate?
ALEXIS BELLINO - True dat. I'll go!
Lydia and Doug go out to dinner with Heather and Terry...
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Do you guys have kids?
HEATHER PAIGE KENT DUBROW - Enough bullshit. Cover or no dice.
DOUG MCLAUGHLIN - You see, very scary lady, the problem is that Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine only features real celebrities on our cover. Last month we showed Janice from Friends petting a baby goat.
HEATHER DUBROW - Pshaw. I turned that part down!
TERRY DUBROW - I'm sorry, McLaughlins. We're gonna have to pass.
HEATHER DUBROW - We don't open our home to just anybody, unless they're one of the 8 million viewers of Bravo.
LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - That's awesome.
DOUG MCLAUGHLIN - **whispers to Lydia** "That's awesome"?!?" That doesn't even make fucking sense! Are you a fucking retard?!? **turns back to Dubrows** Hahaha, just some sweet nothings. You know how it goes when you're in love. LOL.
At Cardio Unique Training...
TAMRA BARNEY - Welcome, everybody! Isn't this unique? We've got a stage for a spin instructor, which is unique, a TSX area, which is unique...
HEATHER DUBROW - I'm starting to think you don't know what unique means.
TAMRA BARNEY - Hahahaha, oh you. Always so literal.
VICKI GUNVALSON - **enters with Alexis and Lydia** The new mommy's in the building! I just gave birth and I'm feeling fabulous!
GRETCHEN ROSSI - You just gave birth?
VICKI GUNVALSON - Duh, obviously I meant Brianna gave birth. Stupid idiot.
**awkward silence lasts over ten minutes**
ALEXIS BELLINO - Can we eat now? As an uninvited guest, I'd like you to know that I'm very ready to chow down on food that I did not pay for.
TAMRA BARNEY - Um, I guess....
ALEXIS BELLINO - THAT'S BULLYING!
TAMRA BARNEY - Huh?
ALEXIS BELLINO - BULLYING IS THE USE OF FORCE OR COERCION TO ABUSE OR INTIMIDATE OTHERS! AND YOU ALL JUST DID THAT!
HEATHER DUBROW - We all? Excuse me, I'm just sitting here enjoying my salmon that's been prepared according to my strict preferences! Thank you for that, BTW, Tamra.
ALEXIS BELLINO - Why are you all so mean to me? All I do is love Jesus and honor my husband and brag about how much everything I own costs!
TAMRA BARNEY - In the words of Thomas Kramer, "Sit down, shut up or leave! I’ve had enough!"
ALEXIS BELLINO - Are you... kicking me out?
TAMRA BARNEY - Are your husband's tits round? YES! LEAVE!
To be continued...
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