Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Making Up Is Hard To Do"

Man, Denise Richards has NOT aged well.

Lydia rings the bell at the Dubrow estate...

HEATHER DUBROW - Who sent Denise Richards with gingivitis here?

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN- I'm not Denise Richards with gingivitis. I'm Lydia Stirling McLaughlin, from Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine.

HEATHER DUBROW - Oh, phew. I was worried Denise got into Charlie's meth stash again.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - So, we're thinking about featuring your home on page 219 of next month's issue.

HEATHER DUBROW - That piece of shit HAS 219 pages?

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - Well, the currency exchange in Downey purchased a lot of add space...

HEATHER DUBROW - My husband and I will only allow our home to be photographed if it's on the cover.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - I'd have to check with my husband. You see, I met him at the mall, and we're Christian, so obviously he's the boss.

HEATHER DUBROW - Sure. Makes perfect sense.

LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - By the way, I just love the way your house looks so new. There are no, like, marks, or anything. Maverick has made such a mess of my -


LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - My son Maverick is really sticky, and -


LYDIA MCLAUGHLIN - We're big John McCain fans.  

HEATHER DUBROW - Get out. Get out now. **pushes Lydia out the door**

At the Bellino family garden... 

TALIBAN JIM BELLINO -  Honey, the melons are ready!

ALEXIS BELLINO - I told you to stop eating so much Nutella. It's not really a breakfast food.

JIMMY "THE CHIN" BELLINO - No, not those melons. **tweaks his tits** These. **shows her what he's grown in the garden**

ALEXIS BELLINO - Look at you! You're a regular Martha Stewart! 

JIM BELLINO - Except the feds haven't caught on to my shady dealings quite yet.

ALEXIS BELLINO - All in due time. **takes a bite out of melon** Mmmmmmm....

Brianna visits Vicki at Coto Insurance...

BRIANNA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - Hi, mom. I think Troy has an infection from all the renovations.

VICKI GUNVALSON - But at least his surroundings will be beautiful and full of bird images.

BRIANNA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - True. Well, I came here to ask if Brooks is planning on personally delivering love affirmations any time soon.


BRIANNA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - Ok, then I'm moving out.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Brianna, he's a God-fearing man!  

BRIANNA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - Yeah, he fears God is going to take away the Vicki gravy train.

VICKI GUNVALSON - That's really mean.

BRIANNA WOLFSMITH CULBERSON - You're right. I was out of line. I'm sorry.

VICKI GUNVALSON - It's ok. Well, I better get going. I have to cut a check for Brooks's latest round of Fraxel laser treatments.

 Vicki and Tamra meet at Hanna's....

VICKI GUNVALSON - Tamra, I don't understand it. Why don't you want me to be happy?

TAMRA BARNEY - If a toothless, child-support evading bubba is what makes you happy, then I wish you the best.

VICKI GUNVALSON - It is, Tamra. It really is. Well, I better get going. I've got to work extra hard this week if I'm ever going to afford the standing at-home tanning bed Brooks has been eyeing.

Tamra and Gretchen go shopping for baby Troy...

TAMRA BARNEY - So does all this useless paraphernalia intended to arouse envy in other mothers make you want to have a baby, or what?

GRETCHEN ROSSI - I better get to having one soon, because before you know it I'm gonna be too old! BWAHAHAHAHA!

TAMRA BARNEY - Um, good one.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Waiting for Slade to get on his feet has taken so long that my eggs have rotted and now I'm probably barren. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

TAMRA BARNEY - Hehehe.... ?

GRETCHEN ROSSI - I mean, at this rate, I'm never going to have the children I've longed for my entire life! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TAMRA BARNEY - Man, with these jokes, it should have been you that got your own comedy hour at The Improv.


The End.


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