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| Marty Yacoobian says he's 32. Marty Yacoobian is a liar. |
Patti meets Marty in Calabasas...
PATTI STANGER - So tell me a little about yourself, besides that you have a mullet.
MARTY YACOOBIAN - Well, I'm 32.
PATTI STANGER - HAHAHAHAHA! You're 32 like I'm a pleasant person to be around.
MARTY YACOOBIAN - I just happen to spend a lot of time in the sun doing drugs, ok? Those are both strong factors in the aging process.
PATTI STANGER - Will you cut your hair into a non-mullet if I tell you you'll get to see saggy boobies in bikinis tomorrow?
MARTY YACOOBIAN - I guess, if it will mean I'll finally look my age.
PATTI STANGER - Of course. You won't look a day over 51.
MARTY YACOOBIAN - Deal. Er, uh, but I'm only 32!
PATTI STANGER - Gotcha.
MARTY YACOOBIAN - Shit.
Patti meets Seth at a coffee shop...
SETH GRABEL - I'm tired of fucking super hot chicks who only love me for my extraordinary talent, you know?
PATTI STANGER - I actually don't believe that either of those things are true.
SETH GRABEL - Well, believe it. **shows her a picture of plain-looking girl, sets it on fire with his hand** That was one of 'em.
PATTI STANGER - She is ugly, and I saw you light that photograph with a match.
SETH GRABEL - I'm a magician, ok? Not Mother Teresa.
PATTI STANGER - Sure. Make perfect sense.
SETH GRABEL - Hey! What's that behind your ear? **pulls out a dollar** Looks like coffee's on you!
On Marty's date with Lisa at Sip in Malibu...
MARTY YACOOBIAN - **pounds eight tequila shot** TOAST TO '69 CAMAROS, AND TO 69s IN GENERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! **passes out, might be dead**
LISA - Well, this is going well... **wipes the spittle off Marty's chin**
On Seth and Kate's date, after hang gliding...
KATE - I brought a bottle of Two Buck Chuck for our date.
SETH GRABEL - **makes bottle disappear** Tada!!!!
KATE - Wow. Um, cool. Now we have nothing to drink.
SETH GRABEL - **pulls whole milk out of her ear** Tada!!!
KATE - Gee. Thanks.
SETH GRABEL - It's what I do!
In Catalina...
DAVID - Patti? I have a question to ask you.
PATTI STANGER - OMG, OMG.
DAVID - We've been dating for five months now, and things have been going well, if you don't count that time you forced me to straighten my hair.
PATTI STANGER - Sorry, I just hate curls. Go on, go on... SQUUUEEEEEEE!
DAVID - Patti Stanger, will you -
PATTI STANGER - Hold on one sec. **hyperventilates into her Guess purse** Ok. Yes?
PATTI STANGER -Patti Stanger, will you accompany me to Claire's Boutique in Canoga Park to select a CZ promise ring that you will foot the bill for?
PATTI STANGER - I knew I should have heeded the massive warning sign that is your weird face.
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