Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 5 - "Alpha Females"

Episode Image
"Only sluts shave their legs above the knee."


Patti meets Shonda...

PATTI STANGER - When I heard you were a "fitness model," I was expecting a black Arnold Schwarzenegger with a clit. And you are.

SHONDA LEWIS - I don't have a clit. Freak farming accident.

PATTI STANGER - I'm so sorry.

SHONDA LEWIS - I have an indoor basketball court in my house, though, so it's all good. 

PATTI STANGER - Lemme guess your ideal celebrity date - Daniel Radcliffe?

SHONDA LEWIS - Close. I wanna fuck Donald Trump so hard that his assistant George can hear it from the next boardroom over.


PATTI STANGER - Sin, get the fuck outta here. We don't need your commentary on every last damn thing. Plus, your name is "Sin." **Sin leaves in tears**

SHONDA LEWIS - I also love Kevin Costner.

PATTI STANGER - Actually, we could probably just get you the real Kevin Costner. It's not like he's busy with anything.

Patti meets Angela and her ex-husband Greg...

ANGELA LUTIN - The man I'd most like to hogtie me to a Pillow Pet is Ari Gold. 

PATTI STANGER - You know that Ari Gold is not a real person, right?

ANGELA LUTIN - He's not?

PATTI STANGER - No. He was a character on the television program "Entourage."

ANGELA LUTIN - Well, that's dumb.

GREG, ANGELA'S EX-HUSBAND - Allow me to interject, if I may -

ANGELA LUTIN - No, you may not.

PATTI STANGER - Ok, starting to see why things didn't work out between you two.


Angela meets some choice specimens at her dinner party...

GAGE - Tell us about your vagina.

ANGELA LUTIN - Well, it's pink, and jiggly, and - HEY! I'm not going to answer a question like that!


JEFF - Gage, please treat Angela with the respect a lady deserves.


ANGELA LUTIN - Patti, I'll take Jeff. He's the one who will embarrass me the least at a party.

PATTI STANGER - Fine, but I guarantee that he will never, ever go down on you. In fact, I suspect the only way he'd go down on you is if your name was Steve.

GAGE - That wouldn't be a concern with me, you pink jiggly thang. **flicks his tongue through his middle and index fingers**

PATTI STANGER - **sighs** Jeff, it is.

Shonda goes on a date with John at Mixology, where they play with jiggers...

JOHN - Cheerio, old gal. 

SHONDA LEWIS - Old? Fuck you!

JOHN - Oh no, it's just an English saying. Here, let's have a toast. **holds up his glass**

SHONDA LEWIS - Cheers. May God watch over us both.

JOHN - I'm sure he would, if he existed.


SHONDA LEWIS - Yeah, this isn't going to work.

JOHN - Nope.

Jeff takes Angela skeet shooting...

ANGELA LUTIN - **shoots clay pigeon* FUCK YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

JEFF - Wow. You're, um, really good at this.


JEFF - Did you just... quote Lil' Jon?

ANGELA LUTIN - Shit. I'm sorry. That crazy old lady told me it was a mistake to be good at something on a date. I can only imagine what she'd say about being good at something and then applying it to the lyrics of a rap song.

JEFF - Let's go to dinner. There, I'll order a drink you don't want for you, and I will effectively be able to mask my blatant gay tendencies. 

ANGELA LUTIN - I seriously doubt that.

JEFF - Yeah. You're right. **rubs arms of shooting instructor** Hey there, cowboy.


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