 |
| "Only sluts shave their legs above the knee." |
Patti meets Shonda...
PATTI STANGER - When I heard you were a "fitness model," I was expecting a black Arnold Schwarzenegger with a clit. And you are.
SHONDA LEWIS - I don't have a clit. Freak farming accident.
PATTI STANGER - I'm so sorry.
SHONDA LEWIS - I have an indoor basketball court in my house, though, so it's all good.
PATTI STANGER - Lemme guess your ideal celebrity date - Daniel Radcliffe?
SHONDA LEWIS - Close. I wanna fuck Donald Trump so hard that his assistant George can hear it from the next boardroom over.
SIN, DESTIN & RACHEL'S SON - Um, ew.
PATTI STANGER - Sin, get the fuck outta here. We don't need your commentary on every last damn thing. Plus, your name is "Sin." **Sin leaves in tears**
SHONDA LEWIS - I also love Kevin Costner.
PATTI STANGER - Actually, we could probably just get you the real Kevin Costner. It's not like he's busy with anything.
Patti meets Angela and her ex-husband Greg...
ANGELA LUTIN - The man I'd most like to hogtie me to a Pillow Pet is Ari Gold.
PATTI STANGER - You know that Ari Gold is not a real person, right?
ANGELA LUTIN - He's not?
PATTI STANGER - No. He was a character on the television program "Entourage."
ANGELA LUTIN - Well, that's dumb.
GREG, ANGELA'S EX-HUSBAND - Allow me to interject, if I may -
ANGELA LUTIN - No, you may not.
PATTI STANGER - Ok, starting to see why things didn't work out between you two.
Angela meets some choice specimens at her dinner party...
GAGE - Tell us about your vagina.
ANGELA LUTIN - Well, it's pink, and jiggly, and - HEY! I'm not going to answer a question like that!
GAGE - TOO LATE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFF - Gage, please treat Angela with the respect a lady deserves.
GAGE - Lady? Where? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
ANGELA LUTIN - Patti, I'll take Jeff. He's the one who will embarrass me the least at a party.
PATTI STANGER - Fine, but I guarantee that he will never, ever go down on you. In fact, I suspect the only way he'd go down on you is if your name was Steve.
GAGE - That wouldn't be a concern with me, you pink jiggly thang. **flicks his tongue through his middle and index fingers**
PATTI STANGER - **sighs** Jeff, it is.
Shonda goes on a date with John at Mixology, where they play with jiggers...
JOHN - Cheerio, old gal.
SHONDA LEWIS - Old? Fuck you!
JOHN - Oh no, it's just an English saying. Here, let's have a toast. **holds up his glass**
SHONDA LEWIS - Cheers. May God watch over us both.
JOHN - I'm sure he would, if he existed.
**silence**
SHONDA LEWIS - Yeah, this isn't going to work.
JOHN - Nope.
Jeff takes Angela skeet shooting...
ANGELA LUTIN - **shoots clay pigeon* FUCK YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
JEFF - Wow. You're, um, really good at this.
ANGELA LUTIN - Ah SKEET SKEET MUTHAFUCKAS!
JEFF - Did you just... quote Lil' Jon?
ANGELA LUTIN - Shit. I'm sorry. That crazy old lady told me it was a mistake to be good at something on a date. I can only imagine what she'd say about being good at something and then applying it to the lyrics of a rap song.
JEFF - Let's go to dinner. There, I'll order a drink you don't want for you, and I will effectively be able to mask my blatant gay tendencies.
ANGELA LUTIN - I seriously doubt that.
JEFF - Yeah. You're right. **rubs arms of shooting instructor** Hey there, cowboy.
THE END.
No comments:
Post a Comment