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| If Tierra is drama-free, then I'm Miles Davis. |
On the group date...
SEAN LOWE - Ladies, today I'd like you to pull on some goat titties so hard that it's bordering on animal cruelty. Then, drink any resulting byproduct out of a glass.
DESIREE - Can we just squirt directly from the teet into our mouths?
SEAN LOWE - Sure, if you'd like.
DESIREE - **squirts directly into her mouth** Look, Sean! I did it the fastest!
SEAN LOWE - Very nice! Good for you.
DESIREE - So... what do I win?
SEAN LOWE - The sheer pleasure of sucking on a goat teet. Duh.
DESIREE - Wait... No date?
SEAN LOWE - I never said this was a competition. I just said I'd like for you to do it.
SARAH - Good, because frankly, titty-pulling competitions are skewed in favor of the two-armed.
DESIREE - Go fuck yourselves. Both of you.
SARAH - I would, but... **motions to one arm that is busy milking a goat**
Sean takes Lindsay on a One-on-One on some grass tufts...
SEAN LOWE - The wedding dress you wore on the first night was a really bad choice.
LINDSAY - Really?
SEAN LOWE - Yes. And I think I can safely say the same about your mid-decade-style highlights.
LINDSAY - But the lady at Great Clips said they're very "au courant." That's French.
SEAN LOWE - And I'd also say that your non-descript face was a bad choice, but that's really on your parents and their decision to mate with one another.
LINDSAY - I'll pass that along.
SEAN LOWE - But, in spite of those things, and the fact that you selected the lucrative career path of "Substitute Teacher", I will continue with this date. Mostly because I look so good in comparison.
LINDSAY - Thank you. If I was subbing a class you were in, I'd show a video.
SEAN LOWE - Aw. You're sweet. Come, I have a surprise. **takes her to a stage in downtown Whitefish**
LINDSAY - Wow! First a helicopter ride, and now a mediocre country singer? This is the most unique date ever!
SEAN LOWE - And you are... Not really unique. In any way. **makes out with her hard for a crowd of cheering townspeople**
Tierra and Jackie go horseback riding for a Two-on-One with Sean...
SEAN LOWE - I've been told that many girls experience their first orgasm on a horse. And since you both are graduate students of the Jordin Sparks School of Sexuality, I thought it would be cool if I were here to witness your big day.
TIERRA - Sorry, but I've had, like, a million orgasms. I dated a drug addict for five years. They love to fuck.
SEAN LOWE - Oh.
TIERRA - He's dead now, so no worries. I'm here for you.
JACKIE - **whispers to Sean** She's here for you, AND the TSA agent at the airport she let look at her through the full body scanner for five full minutes.
SEAN LOWE - **to the server** Can we box up this fish so Jackie can eat it in the SUV?
JACKIE - Shit.
SEAN LOWE - What can I say? Tierra looks like Britney Spears if Britney Spears fell forehead-first onto a rusty nail. There's just no competition. **Sean and Tierra cuddle as fireworks explode**
At the rose ceremony...
SEAN LOWE - This charade that I'd marry a black women has gone on long enough. Please leave, Robyn.
ROBYN - I'd be happy to. ABC told me I'd be dating a white guy, but your face is so damn red that I don't think you qualify. **leaves**
CHRIS HARRISON - Thanks, Sean. Your contractual obligation to a month's worth of tokenism has been fulfilled.
SEAN LOWE - Anytime.
CHRIS HARRISON - Well, not really anytime. Brad Womack's the only man in this world who could pull off a second season. No offense.
SEAN LOWE - None taken.
THE END.
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