Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 5

If Tierra is drama-free, then I'm Miles Davis.

 On the group date...

SEAN LOWE -  Ladies, today I'd like you to pull on some goat titties so hard that it's bordering on animal cruelty. Then, drink any resulting byproduct out of a glass.

DESIREE - Can we just squirt directly from the teet into our mouths?

SEAN LOWE - Sure, if you'd like.

DESIREE - **squirts directly into her mouth** Look, Sean! I did it the fastest!

SEAN LOWE - Very nice! Good for you.

DESIREE - So... what do I win?

SEAN LOWE - The sheer pleasure of sucking on a goat teet. Duh.

DESIREE - Wait... No date?

SEAN LOWE  - I never said this was a competition. I just said I'd like for you to do it.

SARAH - Good, because frankly, titty-pulling competitions are skewed in favor of the two-armed.

DESIREE - Go fuck yourselves. Both of you.

SARAH - I would, but... **motions to one arm that is busy milking a goat**

 Sean takes Lindsay on a One-on-One on some grass tufts...

SEAN LOWE - The wedding dress you wore on the first night was a really bad choice.

LINDSAY -  Really?

SEAN LOWE - Yes. And I think I can safely say the same about your mid-decade-style highlights.

LINDSAY - But the lady at Great Clips said they're very "au courant." That's French.

SEAN LOWE - And I'd also say that your non-descript face was a bad choice, but that's really on your parents and their decision to mate with one another.

LINDSAY - I'll pass that along.

SEAN LOWE - But, in spite of those things, and the fact that you selected the lucrative career path of "Substitute Teacher", I will continue with this date. Mostly because I look so good in comparison.

LINDSAY  - Thank you. If I was subbing a class you were in, I'd show a video.

SEAN LOWE  - Aw. You're sweet. Come, I have a surprise. **takes her to a stage in downtown Whitefish**

LINDSAY - Wow! First a helicopter ride, and now a mediocre country singer? This is the most unique date ever!

SEAN LOWE - And you are... Not really unique. In any way. **makes out with her hard for a crowd of cheering townspeople**

Tierra and Jackie go horseback riding for a Two-on-One with Sean...
SEAN LOWE - I've been told that many girls experience their first orgasm on a horse. And since you both are graduate students of the Jordin Sparks School of Sexuality, I thought it would be cool if I were here to witness your big day.

TIERRA - Sorry, but I've had, like, a million orgasms. I dated a drug addict for five years. They love to fuck.


TIERRA - He's dead now, so no worries. I'm here for you.

JACKIE - **whispers to Sean** She's here for you, AND the TSA agent at the airport she let look at her through the full body scanner for five full minutes.

SEAN LOWE - **to the server** Can we box up this fish so Jackie can eat it in the SUV?  

JACKIE - Shit.

SEAN LOWE - What can I say? Tierra looks like Britney Spears if Britney Spears fell forehead-first onto a rusty nail. There's just no competition. **Sean and Tierra cuddle as fireworks explode**

At the rose ceremony...

SEAN LOWE - This charade that I'd marry a black women has gone on long enough. Please leave, Robyn.

ROBYN -  I'd be happy to. ABC told me I'd be dating a white guy, but your face is so damn red that I don't think you qualify. **leaves**

CHRIS HARRISON - Thanks, Sean. Your contractual obligation to a month's worth of tokenism has been fulfilled.

SEAN LOWE - Anytime. 

CHRIS HARRISON - Well, not really anytime. Brad Womack's the only man in this world who could pull off a second season. No offense.

SEAN LOWE - None taken.


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