Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Dance Moms, Episode 5 - "Revenge of the Replacements"

"Fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty." - Clever American Insult.

At the studio...

ABBY LEE MILLER - The next culture we're going to appropriate is Arabs. Right down to the finger placements.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Aren't those finger placements actually Indian?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Probably. Close enough.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Well, Chloe will NOT be dancing in this number.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Since when do you have a horse in this race, Whitey?

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Oh, it's not about that. I don't give a shit about cultural appropriation.

ABBY LEE MILLER - I figured. I've seen your lawn jockey.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - It's about Chloe not being able to do a standing back tuck.

CHLOE - I can do it, Mom! Look! **attempts standing back tuck, breaks her neck**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Great. Now she's going to have to wear a head scarf for her solo.


Melissa approaches Abby about Maddie not getting a solo...

ABBY LEE MILLER - I dunno, I'd say one out of two people expelled from your vagina getting a solo isn't bad. 

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Who, Mackenzie? We all know she doesn't count, Abby.

MACKENZIE - Mom, I'm standing right here. I can hear you.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Oh. Shoo. **swats her away like a fly** Go on, git.

ABBY LEE MILLER - If Maddie wants a solo, she can come in here and ask me for a solo, like an adult.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM  - But she's... not an adult?


Maddie approaches Abby to ask for a solo...

ABBY LEE MILLER - You think I give solos to people who sit in the car all day?

MADDIE - **starts to cry** My mom said she'd lock me me in the basement with a DVD of Ken Burn's Dust Bowl documentary playing on repeat if I didn't respect her wishes!

ABBY LEE MILLER - **also starts to cry** Shit. Who left an onion sitting around here? Onions have NO PLACE in a dance studio.

MADDIE - **puts her hand on Abby's shoulders** It's ok to cry sometimes, Miss Abby.

ABBY LEE MILLER - **jerks Maddie's hand away** I told you, it's an ONION!! No solo for you.

At the In10Sity competition in Virginia, at high noon...

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Well, looky here. If it isn't Studio Bleu, whose girls look like they could qualify for the AARP.

STUDIO BLEU MOM - Are you calling our kids old?

KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM - Like mother, like daughter.

STUDIO BLEU MOM - You fucking bitch!

**they rumble, one Studio Bleu mom is killed**

The competition gets underway...

I'd just like to say a quick prayer for the Studio Bleu mother who was killed in the rumble earlier this afternoon. That is NOT what In10Sity is about. **silence** Ok, yes it is. First up is Mackenzie!

**Mackenzie gets on stage, but forgets her dance**



ANNOUNCER - Well, that was...underwhelming. Next up is Studio Bleu. Hmmm... I could really go for a Cobb salad right now.

**Studio Bleu performs well in their group number**

ANNOUNCER - Nice. I liked how your legs did all that stuff, and what not. Finally, we have Abby Lee Studios with "Arabian Nights."

**Abby Lee dancers perform their Indian-themed routine, even though the theme is supposed to be Arabic** 

ANNOUNCER - Fourth place, because of your blatant cultural appropriation. 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Nice poncho, asshole. 

ANNOUNCER - This was a gift!

In the rehearsal room...
ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, we would have gotten first place if it wasn't for Chloe's shit-tastic standing back tuck. 

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - The announcer already gave us the reason why we lost, and it wasn't that!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Oh yeah? You're ugly.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - And you're fat. Fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty oink oink.


**stunned silence** 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Really? Is that true? 

KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM - JK. Carry on, fatty.


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