Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 4

Is that a rattlesnake crawling up Sean's pants, or is he just canoodling with the Iraqi Jamie Lynn Sigler?

 At Joshua Tree National Park...

SEAN LOWE - I brought you here to Joshua Tree National Park so you could climb up a rock, affording me a good, long look at your tushie.

SELMA - Cool.

SEAN LOWE - But before we get to that, I'd like to give you a big ol' smacker-doodle.  

SELMA - What the eff is a "smacker-doodle?"

SEAN LOWE - You're 'bout to find out. **leans in for kiss**


SEAN LOWE - What is it? A snake?

SELMA - **looks down at his pants** You could say that...  Listen, Sean. In my culture, it's frowned upon to hook up with someone you barely know on television. 

SEAN LOWE - I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon by all cultures. But that hasn't stopped harlot after harlot from signing on the dotted line with ABC.

SELMA - Yeah, but my mother is super traditional. She'd freak if she saw me kiss a guy on television.

SEAN LOWE - Did she freak when you got them tig ol' biddies surgically implanted in your chest?

SELMA - No, but that's different. 

SEAN LOWE - Sure. Makes perfect sense. **retreats to his trailer to rub one out**

After shopping on Rodeo Drive, Sean and Leslie have dinner...

SEAN LOWE - Tell me what you look for in a man.

LESLIE - Charismatic, gregarious, enlightened, agile, stupendous, bewildered, raspy -

SEAN LOWE - Those are all very good things.

LESLIE - I wasn't done. Egregious, verbose, tenuous, nefarious, gentle, itchy, numerous, curvy, watery, resonant, immense.

SEAN LOWE - Wow. You sure know a lot of adjectives.

LESLIE  - Yep. It is perhaps the sexiest thing about me.


LESLIE  - Ooh, you want me to list adjectives to you in a taxi? Kinky.

SEAN LOWE - No. You're headed back to Poker Town.

LESLIE - But do I still get to keep the neck -

SEAN LOWE - No. **rips necklace off of her, puts it on himself** No, you do not.

 Back at the house, the ladies hang on the couch as the "bellhop" takes Leslie's luggage...
ROBYN -  Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. This does not bode well for me.

CATHERINE - You need a plan, girlfriend. Next time you see him, offer him a piece of chocolate, and then ask if he wants to taste FAKE chocolate or REAL chocolate. **points to her vulva**

ROBYN - You really think that will work?  

CATHERINE - I tried it with a Werther's Original. Told him him it was "werth" going for the "original."

ROBYN - And...?

CATHERINE - Cunnilingus for a full hour, Beiber-style.  

ROBYN - Damn.

 At the roller rink, Amanda shows off how good she is at rollerskating, a very useful skill... 

AMANDA - Outta my way, Stumpy! **pushes Sarah down**

ASHLEE - Amanda, those nice lesbians told us it's "Safety First."

AMANDA - FUCK safety. **falls on jaw** OOWWWWEEEEEEEEE.  **an ambulance is called**

MEDIC - **after a full body examination** Sean, after carefully inspecting every last crevice of her body, I think it's safe to say that Amanda here may have a broken jaw.

SEAN LOWE - Oh no.

MEDIC  - Yep. This might be one of the worst injuries I've seen since Tierra purposely flung herself down a flight of stairs.

SEAN LOWE  - Uh, question for you, Mr. Medic. Can women with broken jaws perform, um, well, you know... Fellatio?

MEDIC - Not a chance. This little filly has been put out to suckin' dick  pasture.

SEAN LOWE  - Well, it's been nice knowing you, Amanda.

 On the Roosevelt rooftop, Sean finds Tierra crouching in a corner...

SEAN LOWE - You takin' a shit?

TIERRA - I wish. Sean, this is TORTURE!

SEAN LOWE  - What's torture?

TIERRA - Robyn didn't even say my name when listing the people on my roller derby team!

SEAN LOWE - Ouch.  

TIERRA - And sometimes the other girls don't even make full eye contact with me for longer than three seconds! This is worse than being WATER BOARDED!

SEAN LOWE - Tierra, please. You can't leave.

TIERRA  - Oh yeah? Why not?

SEAN LOWE - Because I know you like me. I can see it in the extreme way you arch your eyebrow.

TIERRA - That's true.

SEAN LOWE - And I can tell by the way the dent in your forehead gets red when we're near each other.

TIERRA - Does it?

SEAN LOWE - You betcha. And most of all, when you get excited, your pheromones mix with your Curious by Britney Spears, creating the most intoxicating scent.

TIERRA - Oh, Sean. Hold me. **he does**

LINDSAY - **in her bikini** Sean, I thought you were going to meet me in the hot tub for some steamy necking.

SEAN LOWE - Sorry. I can't be bothered with someone who uses the phrase "steamy necking."


**Lindsay slinks off slowly into the shadows, humiliated**


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