Friday, January 25, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 3 - "A Tale of Two Jimmys"

We want pre-nup. We want pre-nup. Yeah.

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Patti meets Jimmy...

PATTI STANGER - Willem Dafoe face with a Daniel Craig body. In the business, you're what we call a "but-his face."

JIMMY GRDINA - Excuse me?

PATTI STANGER - Nothing. Just thinking out loud. So what's your story?

JIMMY GRDINA - I live in that immigrant-hating bastion of gun culture, Arizona.


JIMMY GRDINA - But I'm in Scottsdale, where there's a Cheesecake Factory.  

PATTI STANGER - Oh. Then that's ok. So what brings you to my service, Jimbo?

JIMMY GRDINA - Arranging my vegetables in the fridge by texture, color, and squishiness has become much too big of a task for one person. I believe Charlize Theron could be the one to help me with that.  

PATTI STANGER - Sorry, last time I checked she wasn't in the market for a ghost with a raging case of OCD.

JIMMY GRDINA - **crestfallen** Bummer.  

PATTI STANGER - But I can find you somebody who is! As long as you're willing to date more of a Mrs. Garrett-type.

JIMMY GRDINA - Is Mrs. Garrett even alive?  

PATTI STANGER - Still kickin'.

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Patti meets Jim...

JIM SCHRAMM - My last mail-order bride really took me to the cleaners. 

PATTI STANGER - Well, I'll get you one who will wash your clothes herself. And, bonus - you won't be at the mercy of the US Postal Service for her to arrive!

JIM SCHRAMM - Phew. Wife #2 had a permanent dent on her thigh from the way she was boxed up. 

SELMA - **pops out from around the corner** Hi. I love old people and biggy boobies.


PATTI STANGER - Literally. You can pay at the cashier's desk.

**Jim pays for Selma, and they live happily ever after**

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On Jimmy's date with Nasia...

JIMMY GRDINA - So what brought you to the ol' US of A, besides a fallen economy and leftover Germanophobia from the last world war?

NASIA - Fun. Sun.


NASIA - **waves silverware in the air** I leave clothes all over floor.

JIMMY GRDINA - Ok, I was willing to overlook the fact that we are essentially unable to interact in any way. But I will NOT tolerate sloppiness.

NASIA - I like your tan from spray.

JIMMY GRDINA - **blushes** Really? You mean that?

NASIA  - **nods**

JIMMY GRDINA - I knew there was a reason I picked you over that silly lil' comedian. **they marry**


1 comment:

  1. Just about sums it up -it beggars belief how these men will ever find love or even a friend.


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