Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dance Moms, Episode 4 - "Liar Liar Dance Mom on Fire!"

Hoarding: Buried Alive - Abby Lee's garage.


In the studio...

ABBY LEE MILLER - **to Maddie** I see you wore your hair exactly like Sophia's today.

MADDIE - It's just a bun.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Uh huh. Just don't go too Jennifer Jason Leigh on her, ok?

MADDIE - I don't know what that means.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Of course not. Your mother was still poppin' Yaz like tic-tacs back when Bridget Fonda had anything resembling a career.

MADDIE  - Who?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Forget it. Beiber. Brooke, I've got a big task for you today. You're going to press "Start" and "Stop" on the stereo.

BROOKE - I don't get to dance?  

ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, you spent all weekend working on a "project", which I can only imagine means you were doing something school-related.

BROOKE - Yes. I wrote a biography on Lance Bass for Pop Studies. 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Oh yeah? Listen here. You make school a priority, then I make someone who makes dance a priority my main priority. You get me?

MACKENZIE - What's a priority?


In the mother's room...
JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - I'm thrilled Kendall and Maddie are doing a duet together. Aren't you thrilled?

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - **through clenched teeth** Oh yes. Thrilled. 

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - It's pretty exciting to go from being a number one lyrical soloist to performing a cutesy teeny bopper number with one of the more mediocre dancers from the studio, right?

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - **turning red** Uh huh. Very exciting. 

KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM  - I sure wouldn't be able to contain myself if I was bumped from the top of the pyramid for somebody who doesn't even live in Pittsburgh.

 MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Will you all excuse me for a moment? **goes into the hallway, closes the door**

KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM - I bet the farm that she's going nuts out there. And by "farm", I mean the silicone I recently had implanted into my breasts. 

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - I'll check it out. **peeks out the door, sees Melissa's writhing naked on the ground** Good news, Kelly. You get to keep your tits.

At the JLFIC competition in Greensboro, North Carolina, Abby prepares the dancers to go on stage...

ABBY LEE MILLER -  Now, Mac, just because your song is called Lemonade doesn't mean you have permission to urinate on stage. We don't want a repeat of Jersey City 2011.

MACKENZIE - Yeth, Mith Abby.  

ABBY LEE MILLER - That lisp has got to go. I feel like I'm talking to a white seven-year-old Mike Tyson. **Mackenzie comes in first, does not pee on stage**

PAIGE - Question, Miss Abby. Should my feet be pointed or flexed throughout my solo?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?

PAIGE - No... 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Any hopes I had of you placing would have been dashed right now. Good thing I never had any hopes to start with. **Paige comes in third**

JUDGE - Abby, are your dancers ready to line up for their mildly offensive immigration-themed routine?

ABBY LEE MILLER - What's offensive about running from the Minute Men in a head scarf after a long, hard swim across the Rio Grande?

JUDGE - You're right. Nothing. 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Damn right. **the immigrant dance wins first place**


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