Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 3

Sean's like a born-again virgin in a titty store.

Out on the romantic driveway...
SEAN LOWE - Look, your dog is here.  

SARAH - Aw. Why would you do something so nice for me?

SEAN LOWE - Well, I felt bad for you, cuz, uh... You know.


SARAH - My arm?

SEAN LOWE - Yeah. And then it sucked that you had to stay home from the beach volleyball tournament, cuz, uh... Ahem.

SARAH - Because I'm missing an arm?

SEAN LOWE - Right.

SARAH - So you're being kind to me because you feel bad for me?

SEAN LOWE - Well... Yeah.

SARAH - You know what amputees really miss out on in life?


SARAH - Diamond earrings. Birkin bags. Ducatis. Maseratis.

SEAN LOWE - Sure, I can get those for you. I mean, I don't see how any of those are specific to amputees, but sure.

SARAH - Thanks! **Winks**

At Six Flags with AshLee F...

SEAN LOWE - I brought  some special guests to spend the day with us!

ASHLEE F - Omg. My parents?


ASHLEE F - Shelly and Deb?

SEAN LOWE -  No. I've never even heard of those people.

ASHLEE F - Holy cow... do I get to see my dog, too?!?

SEAN LOWE -  Better. Two sick chicks who you don't know.


SEAN LOWE  - Gee, I figured since you keep trotting out that adoption story that you had a keen sense of empathy.

ASHLEE F - Nah. It's really all I have to talk about.

SEAN LOWE - Well, we still have to spend the day with them.

ASHLEE F  - Whatever. **under her breath** This fuckin' blows.

Lesley and Sean meet on Hollywood Boulevard...

CHRIS HARRISON - Sean, Lesley. The two of you are going to set the world's record for longest on-screen kiss.

LESLEY - What about longest on-screen 69?

CHRIS HARRISON -  ABC is a family network, but feel free to pursue your  dreams elsewhere.

**they kiss for three minutes, and then retreat to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel**

SEAN LOWE -  Tell me about yourself.

LESLEY - Family. Family. Fam-irino. Fam fam foo.

SEAN LOWE - So you're into your family, huh?

LESLEY - Fam-you know it!

SEAN LOWE - That one was a stretch. 

LESLEY   - Famtastic.

SEAN LOWE - Ok,  that's enough now.

LESLEY  - Sorry.

Back at the house...

TIERRA - **sees no one is around,  stamps feet loudly and lays on the ground** AHHHHH! I've fallen and it might be challenging to get up!

SEAN LOWE - **rushes to her side** She's down! Tierra is on the cold, hard... tierra!

TIERRA - Sean! I had no idea you were scheduled to show up for AshLee's date at 12:15 pm sharp! I'm so embarrassed!

SEAN LOWE - Don't be. The medics are on their way.

TIERRA - Uh... medics? Does ABC cover ambulance expenses?

SEAN LOWE - Nope. It's in your contract.

TIERRA - **jumps up**  It's a Christmas miracle! **sings and dances** "Do you believe in magic?" Woot!

 At the rose ceremony...

SEAN LOWE - Kacie, can I pull you aside? 

KACIE BOGUSKIE  - Not if it's to send me home.

SEAN LOWE - Well, it is. **silence** So...

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Ugh, fine. So what was it? That my face is hideously tan? That my hair was too frizzy at the beach? That my taters are just so, so small?

SEAN LOWE - Yes, to all those. But mostly because you inserted yourself into the drama between Desiree and Amanda.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - But at least I inserted myself! Isn't that what you want? Someone who's aggressive and goes for it?  

SEAN LOWE - That's "asserted". Not inserted.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Oh. Well, bye. **joins Taryn and Kristy in the Reject Limo**

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