Friday, January 18, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 2 - "Dr. Frankenstein & Mr. Hip Hop"

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Barney designs suits?


Patti meets Steve Lobel...

STEVE LOBEL - Sup, baby gurl? You fly.

PATTI STANGER - Cut the shit, Jew Boy.

STEVE LOBEL - Phew. I can finally let my guard down. I've been talking like this for two decades so Reverend Run wouldn't think I'm soft.

PATTI STANGER - Like he should talk about being soft. **mimics jiggling belly fat**

STEVE LOBEL - Good one.

PATTI STANGER - So what are you looking for in a lady?

STEVE LOBEL - Well, I'm from Queens, and the most round-the-way girl I can think of is Kourtney Kardashian.

PATTI STANGER - I don't think Kourtney Kardashian could point out Queens on a map of Queens.

STEVE LOBEL - Probably right. Truth is, I just want to fuck her.

PATTI STANGER - So do you want a Kourtney Kardashian with or without two toddlers and an alcoholic baby daddy to follow two paces behind wherever you go?

STEVE LOBEL - I'm gonna have to think about this one. Would the baby daddy run errands and shit?


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Patti meets Dr. Alex Simpolous...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS -  Hmmm... titty lift, eye gouge, and a Keratin treatment.

PATTI STANGER - Are you really sitting here and listing the procedures you think I should get, asshole?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Patti, I am an arteest.

PATTI STANGER - Well, why don't you artfully make your penis not look like it's wearing leggings?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - There are some body parts I believe should stay natural.

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Name one, besides your super-special wiener?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Your lips, Nemo. **makes a fish face*. Did you go to that guy who works out of the Hampton Inn on Sepulveda? 

PATTI STANGER - **gasps** He said he was board certified!  

Patti Stanger

At the mixer, Steve meets Jessica...

STEVE LOBEL - Sup, baby gurl? You fly.

JESSICA -  For some reason, I thought you'd sound more like Woody Allen.

STEVE LOBEL - I'm full of surprises, boo.

JESSICA - Can you, um, not call me boo?

STEVE LOBEL - Whatever you want, jump off.

JESSICA - Or that.

At the mixer, Steve meets Valerie...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - My ex-wives hated cooking. Fucking cunts.

VALERIE - Well, I love to cook. In fact, I'm perfect wifey-material in every way.

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Oh yeah? We'll see about that.


On Steve's date with Valerie, he takes her to his house...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Valerie, meet Pastry Chef. Pastry Chef, meet Valerie.

PASTRY CHEF - Nice to meet you. Won't you have a taste of the skin tag I drew on this ass cake? It's the best part.

VALERIE - Um, no thank you.

PASTRY CHEF - Fine. Your loss. **eats skin tag off ass cake**

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Ok, now that you two have gotten to know each other, let's all fuck!

VALERIE - Excuse me?

 DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Did I stutter? It's fuck-o'-clock.  

VALERIE - I don't think so, good doctor. I'm a CLASSY LADY.  **winks at the camera man who is filming her on a show where she goes on dates to find a rich husband**

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - You said you were perfect wifey-material. And in my book, group sex on camera is what a good wife does.

VALERIE - I meant that I'd, like, make fish sticks and wear a Snuggy around the house.

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - You can put on a Snuggy, if that would make you feel more comfortable.

VALERIE - Ok, I'm going to go.

Steve takes Jessica on a date to the Scratch Museum, or something...

STEVE LOBEL - See this mural? That's Jam Master Jay. He was brutally murdered inside his Jamaica Queens studio. The scene was grisly, man.

JESSICA - Great first date talk.

STEVE LOBEL - If you think that's great first date talk, wait until I force you to make a stupid DJ name for yourself that I will call you for the rest of the day.

JESSICA - DJ Nose Ring?

STEVE LOBEL - Perfect. Now close your eyes, DJ Nose Ring. **she does, and he tongue-slobber kisses her** Damn, DJ Nose Ring. You got some hot lips.

JESSICA - Thanks. Can you go back to calling me Jessica now?

STEVE LOBEL  - Of course. The lady shall have what she wants. Would you like some more wine, DJ Nose Ring?  

JESSICA - **resigned to her new name** I guess.



  1. Valerie here!! This was HILARIOUS!!!! Loved it! Retweet! -@the_valerina

  2. Over the years, these techniques have become more and more intricate, and today the worlds top sratch DJs are capable of feats that can only be described as mind blowing - even if your not that interested in scratching.rap concert tickets


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