Friday, January 18, 2013

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 2 - "Dr. Frankenstein & Mr. Hip Hop"

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Barney designs suits?


Patti meets Steve Lobel...

STEVE LOBEL - Sup, baby gurl? You fly.

PATTI STANGER - Cut the shit, Jew Boy.

STEVE LOBEL - Phew. I can finally let my guard down. I've been talking like this for two decades so Reverend Run wouldn't think I'm soft.

PATTI STANGER - Like he should talk about being soft. **mimics jiggling belly fat**

STEVE LOBEL - Good one.

PATTI STANGER - So what are you looking for in a lady?

STEVE LOBEL - Well, I'm from Queens, and the most round-the-way girl I can think of is Kourtney Kardashian.

PATTI STANGER - I don't think Kourtney Kardashian could point out Queens on a map of Queens.

STEVE LOBEL - Probably right. Truth is, I just want to fuck her.

PATTI STANGER - So do you want a Kourtney Kardashian with or without two toddlers and an alcoholic baby daddy to follow two paces behind wherever you go?

STEVE LOBEL - I'm gonna have to think about this one. Would the baby daddy run errands and shit?


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Patti meets Dr. Alex Simpolous...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS -  Hmmm... titty lift, eye gouge, and a Keratin treatment.

PATTI STANGER - Are you really sitting here and listing the procedures you think I should get, asshole?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Patti, I am an arteest.

PATTI STANGER - Well, why don't you artfully make your penis not look like it's wearing leggings?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - There are some body parts I believe should stay natural.

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Name one, besides your super-special wiener?

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Your lips, Nemo. **makes a fish face*. Did you go to that guy who works out of the Hampton Inn on Sepulveda? 

PATTI STANGER - **gasps** He said he was board certified!  

Patti Stanger

At the mixer, Steve meets Jessica...

STEVE LOBEL - Sup, baby gurl? You fly.

JESSICA -  For some reason, I thought you'd sound more like Woody Allen.

STEVE LOBEL - I'm full of surprises, boo.

JESSICA - Can you, um, not call me boo?

STEVE LOBEL - Whatever you want, jump off.

JESSICA - Or that.

At the mixer, Steve meets Valerie...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - My ex-wives hated cooking. Fucking cunts.

VALERIE - Well, I love to cook. In fact, I'm perfect wifey-material in every way.

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Oh yeah? We'll see about that.


On Steve's date with Valerie, he takes her to his house...

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Valerie, meet Pastry Chef. Pastry Chef, meet Valerie.

PASTRY CHEF - Nice to meet you. Won't you have a taste of the skin tag I drew on this ass cake? It's the best part.

VALERIE - Um, no thank you.

PASTRY CHEF - Fine. Your loss. **eats skin tag off ass cake**

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Ok, now that you two have gotten to know each other, let's all fuck!

VALERIE - Excuse me?

 DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - Did I stutter? It's fuck-o'-clock.  

VALERIE - I don't think so, good doctor. I'm a CLASSY LADY.  **winks at the camera man who is filming her on a show where she goes on dates to find a rich husband**

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - You said you were perfect wifey-material. And in my book, group sex on camera is what a good wife does.

VALERIE - I meant that I'd, like, make fish sticks and wear a Snuggy around the house.

DR. ALEX SIMPOLOUS - You can put on a Snuggy, if that would make you feel more comfortable.

VALERIE - Ok, I'm going to go.

Steve takes Jessica on a date to the Scratch Museum, or something...

STEVE LOBEL - See this mural? That's Jam Master Jay. He was brutally murdered inside his Jamaica Queens studio. The scene was grisly, man.

JESSICA - Great first date talk.

STEVE LOBEL - If you think that's great first date talk, wait until I force you to make a stupid DJ name for yourself that I will call you for the rest of the day.

JESSICA - DJ Nose Ring?

STEVE LOBEL - Perfect. Now close your eyes, DJ Nose Ring. **she does, and he tongue-slobber kisses her** Damn, DJ Nose Ring. You got some hot lips.

JESSICA - Thanks. Can you go back to calling me Jessica now?

STEVE LOBEL  - Of course. The lady shall have what she wants. Would you like some more wine, DJ Nose Ring?  

JESSICA - **resigned to her new name** I guess.


1 comment:

  1. Valerie here!! This was HILARIOUS!!!! Loved it! Retweet! -@the_valerina


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