Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dance Moms, Season 3 Episode 3 - "But I'm A National Champion!"


At Abby Lee Miller Studios..

ABBY LEE MILLER - **dials phone** Hi, Shelly? Where are you?

SHELLY, ALLY'S MOM - New Orleans.

ABBY LEE MILLER - What the fuck? We have rehearsals today.

SHELLY, ALLY'S MOM - **breaks down in tears** The other mommies be mean to me!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Is that so? Listen, drink a glass of Ovaltine and calm down. I'll take care of this. **hangs up, approaches "new" moms in the green room** All the girls who are not Sophia need to leave right now.

UGLY HAIRED MOM - Fine, but we're going to start a new troupe that's going to blow you out of the water!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Meaning you're going to spend each afternoon masturbating to The Doctors while your kids stretch in the basement?

UGLY HAIRED MOM - Yes. Damn, you're good.

In the parking lot...

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Let's make a pact that we'll only go back to Abby if Kelly can come back, too. Deal?

MOMS - Deal!

ABBY LEE MILLER - **pokes her head out in the parking lot** Sorry to say, you ladies are definitely on the lower end of the truck stop whore spectrum.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Abby, we'd like to talk to you inside.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Fine, but Kate Gosselin's gonna have to stay in the parking lot. **gestures to Kelly**

Inside the office...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Here's the deal. Nobody gives a shit about you or your kids unless you're on my team and on this show. Stand by Kelly, and you're back to being frumpy housewives without enough money for Botox.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - There's ALWAYS money for Botox. **looks out the window at her 1986 VW Rabbit**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Picture it, Melissa. Maddie cleaning the dressing rooms at Maurice's, as Mackenzie pops out her first young 'un at the ripe old age of 16. Paternity unknown.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Ok, ok, I'm in!

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Melissa! We had a pact!

ABBY LEE MILLER - And Holly. Imagine if Nia never got to audition for The Lion King. Or another Broadway show that has black people in it.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Book of Mormon?


HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Ok, I'll stay, too!

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Guys, Kelly is our friend.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - Eh... She makes weird noises with her teeth sometimes.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - That's true. Alright, I'm back, too.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Wise choice. Another wise choice? Nose job.


At the competition, the moms sit in the audience as Sophia perform...
JACKIE, SOPHIA'S MOM - Shit. Sophia only got in 53 consecutive turns this time.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM -  Only? Maddie can barely do 4 turns in a row, and that's after two Sugar-Free Red Bulls.

JACKIE, SOPHIA'S MOM - Well, with all the time Sophia has not going to school, I expect at least 60.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - No school, huh? **withdraws Maddie and Mackenzie from school using an Iphone app**

After the group number, the judges announce the winners...

JUDGE -  And in first place... Sophia Lucia!

MADDIE - Fuckin' bullshit.

JUDGE - Don't fret, other Abby Lee dances who did not win. Your group number took first prize!

CHLOE - But only because of Sophia.

JUDGE - Pretty much. But, uh, Chloe, here's a sad wilted ribbon for having a lot of "passion", or whatever.

CHLOE - Gee. Thanks.


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