The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 1 - "Wounded Wally and the Mama's Boy"

Patti Stanger is the Benjamin Button of 50-something women who pursue costly youth-sustaining medical procedures.

Patti meets with Destin and Rachel at a restaurant...

PATTI STANGER - How was the Incubus concert last night?

DESTIN PFAFF - Hella sweet, as always.

PATTI STANGER - Glad to hear it. So who do you have for me this week? Anybody I can force to wear a fedora?

DESTIN PFAFF -  Daniel Negreanu is a 37-year-old World Class professional poker player who loves Anna Faris.

PATTI STANGER - Who doesn't? I mean, have you seen The House Bunny?

DESTIN PFAFF - Only 17 times.

RACHEL FEDEROFF - Well, I'll see your weird Canadian and raise you an Eric Idle with a boat named "Morning Wood." Oh, look. Here is now.

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - **waves from his yacht** Cheerio.

PATTI STANGER - Oh, christ.

Brian pops out of the yacht with his mother...

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - This is me mum.

MRS. HOLLOWAY I - Cheerio.

PATTI STANGER - Who the fuck brings their mother to meet a matchmaker with a 100% failure rate to film for a cable dating show?

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - I think a better question is, who the fuck meets a matchmaker with a 100% failure rate?

PATTI STANGER -  Hey, smart ass, I can see your esophagus through the space in your teeth.

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II  - Rude.

At the meet-up...

PATTI STANGER - Ladies... MEET MY MILLIONAIRES!

DANIEL NEGREANU - A little about me. My mother is European, I don't drink when I play poker, I'm on a first-name basis with Chad Kroger, and I masturbate to "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" at least bi-weekly.

DESTIN PFAFF - **whispers** Ok, that was actually A LOT about you. Ask the girls about themselves.

DANIEL NEGREANU  - Shit, sorry. **turns to Cody** So you're from Southern Illinois? How interesting. 

DESTIN PFAFF - Better. 

Daniel selects Lindsay for his date and whisks her off to Las Vegas...

DANIEL NEGREANU - Great news! We're going to take a backstage tour of Cirque Du Soleil.

LINDSAY - Sorry... I don't speak French.

DANIEL NEGREANU - Haha! Good one.

LINDSAY - Seriously. What the fuck is this place?

DANIEL NEGREANU - Wait... you've never heard of Cirque Du Soleil?

LINDSAY - Trying to meet millionaires to fuck is a full-time job, ok?

DANIEL NEGREANU - Understandable. **they make out**

Brian selects Jady for his date and takes her for a ride on his Morning Wood...

JADY - Wow, this boat is so beautiful!

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - Not as beautiful as you are in that purple frock. **makes tiger gesture** Rarr.

JADY - **vomits all over him**

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - Damn it, it was my tiger purr, wasn't it?

JADY - No, it's not that. I'm seasick. I loved your tiger purr.

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - You... did?

JADY - Yes. And I love that you named your boat Morning Wood. It's so clever.

BRIAN HOLLOWAY II - **starts to cry** Finally. **they make out, even though they are both covered in vomit**

Back at Patti's office...

PATTI STANGER - Whelp, we can finally adjust our failure rate to 95%. Destin, can you write it on the dry erase board?

DESTIN PFAFF - I would, but Rachel and I are late for the Puddle of Mudd show. **they leave** 

PATTI STANGER - That's the last time I hire aging fans of late 90s-early 2000s alternative rock. The LAST TIME.