Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Dance Moms, Episode 2 - "Out With The Old, In With The New"

Abby Lee Miller
Abby changes dancers like she changes her underwear - quarterly.

At the studio's front desk, Abby greets the moms...

ABBY LEE MILLER - You ladies recovering from the weekend?

HOLLY HATCHER-FRAZIER, NIA'S MOM - Sorry, Abby. We all agreed not to speak to you. That's what we were doing in the toilet a minute ago.


CHRISTI LUKASIAK, CHLOE'S MOM - Holly, what the fuck? When you told her we're not speaking to her, you spoke to her.

HOLLY HATCHER-FRAZIER, NIA'S MOM - Well, it's rude not to answer a question.

JILL VERTES, KENDALL'S MOM - Abby, we're protesting Kelly's absence.

ABBY LEE MILLER - You can protest it while sitting on the ground in the parking lot, because I won't allow it in my studio. 

**they go sit in the parking lot**

ABBY LEE MILLER - **to Gianni** I didn't think they'd actually go sit on the ground in the parking lot.

GIANNI - They're not the brightest bunch.

Dance Moms Season 3 - Dancer Ally

The next day, after the old crew has been replaced...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Welcome, new bitches. You're going to be competing with a number called "Cry."

ALLY - **starts to cry**

ABBY LEE MILLER - What the fuck are you doing?

ALLY - Crying. Like you said.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Ok, I like lemmings as much as the next tyrannical dictator, but you don't have to take every word I say literally. It's obnoxious.

SOPHIA LUCIA - **in a squeaky-ass voice** Will it be a lyrical piece?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Speaking of obnoxious, is that your real voice?


ABBY LEE MILLER - Damn. That shit's like a dog whistle. Just, uh.. don't speak, ok? Ever.

Dance Moms Season 3 - Dancer Ally

In Fort Wayne, Indiana, at the Dance Erectile Mania competition...

YVETTE - Hey, Abby, remember me? I'm from Thrive dance crew.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Of course. Your daughter is Hamish.

YVETTE - Hadley.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Potato, Potahto.

YVETTE - I'm sure you also don't remember that you called her road kill.

HADLEY - Nobody has ever called me road kill before.

ABBY LEE MILLER - I mean, that's not very surprising. It's not like it's a super common insult. It's certainly no"fugly" or "retardo", or anything -



YVETTE - That's right. I said "shut up." And Thrive's slutty routine today is going to out-slut YOUR routine!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Sure. I'll believe it when I see it.

**Abby believes it when she sees it a mere hour later**


At the mall, the old moms have defected to form their own dance team...

CHRISTI LUKASIAK, CHLOE'S MOM - **on stage with a microphone** Hello, out-of-date shopping center in suburban Pittsburgh!

CROWD - Whoooooo!

CHRISTI LUKASIAK, CHLOE'S MOM - You all came to see young girls dance suggestively in black crop tops, and that's exactly what you're going to get!

CROWD - Whoooooo!

CHRISTI LUKASIAK, CHLOE'S MOM - That's right! They're gonna be shakin', and groovin', and thrustin', and pumpin', and -

 MELISSA ZIEGLER-GISONI, MADDIE'S MOM - **grabs mic from Christi** Ok, that's enough.

**The girls perform a shitty routine they choreographed themselves** 

HOLLY HATCHER-FRAZIER, NIA'S MOM - Uhhhh.... I think it might be worth investing in a professional choreography team.

 JILL VERTES, KENDALL'S MOM - And perhaps a security detail, as well. **gestures to middle-aged man in the front row wearing a Maddie t-shirt**


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