Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 1

Sean Lowe
Asexual Sean does his best non-asexual person impression.

The women step out of the limo one-by-one to meet Sean, who has very blonde eyebrows...

Ashley P. approaches Sean...

 ASHLEY P. - Read any good books lately?

SEAN LOWE - Do back issues of Nintendo Power count?

ASHLEY P. - No. I'm talking real literature. Like erotic fan fiction based on the characters in the Twilight saga. **takes out a tie, starts to bind Sean's hands behind his back**

SEAN LOWE - Hey, lady, I don't know about you, but I'm from Texas.

ASHLEY P. - I'm from Michigan.

SEAN LOWE - No, I mean we don't read that Fifty Shades trash in the Lone Star State. Well, my dad does, but that's in the privacy of his own two-story walk-in closet.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sean, let's keep the references to your dad's gaydom at a minimum. Nuclear family's the theme this season.

SEAN LOWE - But once he opens his mouth, it's pretty obvious.

CHRIS HARRISON - Not to your mom, clearly.

SEAN LOWE - Touche.

ASHLEY P. - So I'll see you inside? I'll be the one humping the wall. **thrusts**

Sarah approaches Sean, her arm stump on display...

 SEAN LOWE - **refusing to break eye contact** Hi nice to meet you see you inside.

SARAH - My tits are down here.

SEAN LOWE - **still refusing to break eye contact**  Ha was that a joke very funny I promise you I don't even notice your arm stump.

SARAH - You don't need to be nervous, Sean. You know what they say - the shorter the arm, the longer the vaginal canal.

SEAN LOWE - **finally looks down at her arm** AHHHHH!

SARAH -  Did you just... scream when you saw my stump?

SEAN LOWE - Shit. Yes. Here's a rose. Sorry.

SARAH - Works every time. **walks inside**

Tierra approaches Sean...

TIERRA - My name is Tierra. My parents took one look at me and immediately knew they had to name me after soil.

SEAN LOWE - Speaking of soil, I just did in my pants. Girl, you foine. **hands her a rose**

Robyn approaches Sean...

ROBYN -  **does a backflip, falls on her face** Aw, fartknuckles! 

SEAN LOWE - Don't beat yourself up. You tried to do an attention-seeking, fame-whore gesture, and it backfired. No biggie.

ROBYN - Thanks.

SEAN LOWE - No, thank you. You're pleasant enough to get a rose, and if I'd sent home all the token women of color on the first night, I'd seem racist.

CHRIS HARRISON - Ahem. These women are NOT TOKENS. We just so happened to cast several black women for the first time on the season immediately after we'd been sued for racism. Carry on.

Chris talks to Sean after the last of the women have arrived...

CHRIS HARRISON - So, Sean, what do you think of the women we've selected for you?

SEAN LOWE - Fantastic. A divorcee with two children, a Bachelor Pad reject, and the bad guy from The Fugitive.

CHRIS HARRISON - Don't forget the psycho in the wedding dress.

**a limo arrives**

CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, I almost forgot! We received a call before the season started that somebody wants to reunite with you!

SEAN LOWE - Great. Maybe it'll be the night manager at the Dollar Tree.

**a tanned, toned leg steps out of the limo. The camera pans up to reveal...**

ARIE LUYENDYK JR.  - Sup, dude.

SEAN LOWE - Hey! It's you! I've been needing somebody to teach me how to kiss, even though I'm nearly 30.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - **gets out of the limo, pushes Arie aside** Move it, asshole. Sean, I was actually supposed to be the big surprise.


KACIE BOGUSKIE - I can see how thrilled you are to see me.

SEAN LOWE - Well, Arie and I were going to practice kissing together...

KACIE BOGUSKIE  - Oh, for fuck's sake.

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