| You lose. Whomp whomp. |
On the reunion set...
JONNY MOSELEY - I killed TJ Lavin and hid his corpse under the clapboard shack in Mississippi from MTV's Catfish. So I'm your new host now!
FRANK SWEENEY - Fine with me.
MARIE RODA - Me too.
JONNY MOSELEY - Well, at least I have the sociopaths on board. I'm actually really hungover, so I'm just going to sit back and let you all go at it.
FRANK SWEENEY - Perfect. Sam, you are fat and lazy.
SAM MCGINN - Oh yeah? At least I'm not GAY! Wait.
ZACH NICHOLS - You see, Jonny, Sam just came for the "experience", while the rest of us wanted to win money because we are essentially unemployable.
JONNY MOSELEY - Huh? You talking to me? I was napping.
| It's cool Sam did shitty - she's just here "for the experience." |
Commercial break, recap of who-fucked-who...
JONNY MOSELEY - **after a Gatorade** Trishelle's still a big slut, huh? I see not much has changed since since 2002, except maybe the width of her shoulders.
TRISHELLE CANNATELLA - They just keep growing.
CHET CANNON - Jonny, this harlot has robbed me of my dignity.
FRANK SWEENEY - That jean vest has robbed you of your dignity.
JONNY MOSELEY - Any of you other couples from the show still together?
JONNA MANNION - Zach kicked my ass to the curb once he realized I'm black.
DEVYN SIMONE - Same thing happened to me with Big Easy.
ALTON WILLIAMS - Sarah and I still have a deep and abiding respect for one another.
SARAH RICE - Speak for yourself. You climb driveway walls.
JONNY MOSELEY - Next, we'll discuss who else besides Sam was lazy, and lie to the cops regarding the disappearance of TJ Lavin.
| Smile! Everybody hates you! |
Commercial break, recap of people being lazy...
CHET CANNON - Devyn pretty much lost the challenge for Team Brooklyn.
DEVYN SIMONE - At the time, I was so in love with Big Easy that I wanted to emulate his every move, including being a poor athlete and disappointing people.
JONNY MOSELEY - I'm sure that dead cat on your head didn't help, either.
CHET CANNON - Let's not forget that there's another person on our team left to humiliate - one gay dolphin trainer named JD Ordonez.
JONNY MOSELEY - Are there other gay dolphin trainers?
JD ORDONEZ - We have a union, actually.
SAM MCGINN - Us lazy fat people might deserve the verbal scorn of our peers, but Frank putting his hands on me on the sand mound took it too far.
FRANK SWEENEY - Speaking of sand mound, your girlfriend is off scissoring with a firmer specimen as we speak.
DEREK CHAVEZ - Uncool, bro.
JONNY MOSELEY - Wait, who are you?
DEREK CHAVEZ - Doesn't matter.
| Frank guzzles white stuff. |
The cops arrive...
JONNY MOSELEY - Whelp, looks like the police may have located the rotting corpse of our favorite BMX biker. Time to wrap things up. Any final statements? **ducks out**
FRANK SWEENEY - I'm sorry I said Nany's sister does heroin (which she totally does, bee tee dubs), but I'm not sorry I pushed Sam. Because she looks like a little dude.
ROBB SCHREIBER - I'm sorry I ever took my shirt off, because that shit is not suitable for public consumption.
MARIE RODA - I'm sorry I ever found Robb attractive.
JONNA MANNION - I'm sorry I ever dated that one guy who stole my stuff.
ZACH NICHOLS - I'm sorry I ever bought that story.
DUSTIN ZITO - And finally, I'm sorry that I ever had anal sex in front of a camera with several different men. No matter what they say, it's just not good for your professional life.
THE END.
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