Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Challenge, Battle of the Seasons - Finale & Reunion

You lose. Whomp whomp.

On the reunion set...
JONNY MOSELEY - I killed TJ Lavin and hid his corpse under the clapboard shack in Mississippi from MTV's Catfish. So I'm your new host now!

FRANK SWEENEY - Fine with me.

MARIE RODA - Me too.

JONNY MOSELEY - Well, at least I have the sociopaths on board. I'm actually really hungover, so I'm just going to sit back and let you all go at it.

FRANK SWEENEY - Perfect. Sam, you are fat and lazy.

SAM MCGINN - Oh yeah? At least I'm not GAY! Wait.

ZACH NICHOLS - You see, Jonny, Sam just came for the "experience", while the rest of us wanted to win money because we are essentially unemployable.

JONNY MOSELEY - Huh? You talking to me? I was napping.

It's cool Sam did shitty - she's just here "for the experience."

Commercial break, recap of who-fucked-who...

JONNY MOSELEY - **after a Gatorade** Trishelle's still a big slut, huh? I see not much has changed since since 2002, except maybe the width of her shoulders.   

TRISHELLE CANNATELLA - They just keep growing.

CHET CANNON - Jonny, this harlot has robbed me of my dignity.

FRANK SWEENEY - That jean vest has robbed you of your dignity.

JONNY MOSELEY - Any of you other couples from the show still together?

JONNA MANNION - Zach kicked my ass to the curb once he realized I'm black.

DEVYN SIMONE - Same thing happened to me with Big Easy.

ALTON WILLIAMS - Sarah and I still have a deep and abiding respect for one another.

SARAH RICE  - Speak for yourself. You climb driveway walls.

JONNY MOSELEY - Next, we'll discuss who else besides Sam was lazy, and lie to the cops regarding the disappearance of TJ Lavin. 

Smile! Everybody hates you!

Commercial break, recap of people being lazy... 

CHET CANNON -  Devyn pretty much lost the challenge for Team Brooklyn.

DEVYN SIMONE - At the time, I was so in love with Big Easy that I wanted to emulate his every move, including being a poor athlete and disappointing people.

JONNY MOSELEY - I'm sure that dead cat on your head didn't help, either.

CHET CANNON - Let's not forget that there's another person on our team left to humiliate - one gay dolphin trainer named JD Ordonez.

JONNY MOSELEY  - Are there other gay dolphin trainers?

JD ORDONEZ - We have a union, actually.

SAM MCGINN - Us lazy fat people might deserve the verbal scorn of our peers, but Frank putting his hands on me on the sand mound took it too far.

FRANK SWEENEY - Speaking of sand mound, your girlfriend is off scissoring with a firmer specimen as we speak.

DEREK CHAVEZ - Uncool, bro.

JONNY MOSELEY - Wait, who are you?  

DEREK CHAVEZ - Doesn't matter.

Frank guzzles white stuff.

The cops arrive...

JONNY MOSELEY - Whelp, looks like the police may have located the rotting corpse of our favorite BMX biker. Time to wrap things up. Any final statements? **ducks out**

FRANK SWEENEY - I'm sorry I said Nany's sister does heroin (which she totally does, bee tee dubs), but I'm not sorry I pushed Sam. Because she looks like a little dude.

ROBB SCHREIBER - I'm sorry I ever took my shirt off, because that shit is not suitable for public consumption.

MARIE RODA - I'm sorry I ever found Robb attractive.

JONNA MANNION - I'm sorry I ever dated that one guy who stole my stuff.

ZACH NICHOLS - I'm sorry I ever bought that story.

DUSTIN ZITO - And finally, I'm sorry that I ever had anal sex in front of a camera with several different men. No matter what they say, it's just not good for your professional life.


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