Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 7 - "Oy, Faye!"

Right before master thespian Kyle Richards leans dramatically on the door and sighs heavily.

After Brandi exposes charlatan-ass Adrienne for being a charlatan-ass....

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Brandi doesn't care about my reputation, or her reputation. All she cares about is the truth.

KYLE RICHARDS - Totes. Wait... is that bad?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Uh, yeah. Because I'm rich, and I said so.

KYLE RICHARDS - No argument here. **the Maloofs leave**

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Why are those rich people leaving my party?

KYLE RICHARDS - Brandi accused them of using a surrogate because Adrienne was born a man.

MAURICIO UMANSKY - This event is supposed to be uneventful! PS - I always thought I saw a bulge down there.

KYLE RICHARDS - But aren't you soooo mad that Kim brought up the issue and essentially started the fight?

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Eh, not really. She annoys me less now that she's switched from scotch to horse tranquilizers.

KIM RICHARDS - Thanks, Maurice.

Cavemen need love, too.

The most eventful event of the century continues...
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - I feel for you, Brandi. I once had a man not hit me, too.

KYLE RICHARDS - Stop trying to make this about you, Taylor. This is about me.


KYLE RICHARDS - Shut up.  

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Well, I just want to say that I also know how it feels to have someone tell the world the truth about you. **gestures to Camille** Cough cough, Camille Donatachi Grammer.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Yeah, but the difference is that some people like Adrienne.


TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Who the hell are you?

BRANDI'S FRIEND DARIN - Brandi's friend Darin. I could really go for some wine right now.

The morally corrupt Faye Resnick prepares to accuse Brandi of being morally corrupt.

Kyle hosts a dinner party...

KYLE RICHARDS - **enters the kitchen** I guess that's enough admiring myself in my vanity mirror for one day.

CATERER GLEN - You sure? Someone as striking yet soft in all the right places as you are should practice as much self-love as possible. **pokes her love handle**

KYLE RICHARDS - That's true. But never touch me there again.

CATERER GLEN - Sorry. That jumpsuit really accentuates your puffy parts.

FAYNE RESNICK - Knock knock! I came wearing my confrontational boots!

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh, thank God. If I'm going to preserve my image as a reasonable third party, somebody's gotta do my dirty work. Might as well be someone who's on a first name basis with Kato Kaelin. 

FAYNE RESNICK - I actually call him "Champ", but whatever.

A pleasure, person who will rip me a new one in 30 minutes.

Brandi arrives last, joins Lisa Vanderpump and Marisa Zunuck...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Knock knock! I came wearing my defensive fur vest!

KYLE RICHARDS - We were just discussing whether it's best to wear heels naked around the house, or with clothes on.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I vote for naked. Makes your ass look higher when you're in heels.

KYLE RICHARDS - **whispers to Faye** Can you believe she's talking about this? So tacky. 

FAYNE RESNICK - No class whatsoever. **adjusts her Charlotte Russe jacket**

KYLE RICHARDS - Let's all be seated. I've got some great conversation planned, including Faye going apeshit on Brandi for my amusement.

FAYNE RESNICK  - You're not supposed to say that out loud.


FAYNE RESNICK - Well, let's not waste any time. Brandi, how dare you speak ill of Adrienne Maloof, who is my stepson's dentist's classmate from junior college?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'm just concerned that there was a dentist in junior college.

LISA VANDERPUMP - I've got to defend Brandi, here. I've been on the receiving end of the Maloof wrath, and it's uglier than my daughter.

KYLE RICHARDS  - **starts doing her "hood" head shake** Uh uh, no you di-int! You used to hate Brandi even more than I do!

LISA VANDERPUM - Please get your finger out my face.

KYLE RICHARDS  - It's not IN your face, it's NEAR your face.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Ok, I'm going to leave. It's clear that I'll never live down calling Kim a drug addict, or saying that Maloof used a surrogate, two things that were one hundred percent true.

FAYNE RESNICK - **calls after her** You got a lot to learn about Beverly Hills, girl! The truth is never to be spoken! Just ask OJ!

**awkward silence**

CATERER GLEN - Butter sage ravioli, anyone?

KYLE RICHARDS - Hit the road, Glen.


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