Monday, December 17, 2012

The Bachelorette - Ashley and JP's Wedding

"If things don't work out, Ash, I'd still fuck you." - Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison, a recent divorcee who can still manage to keep a straight face about this farce of a franchise, meets us at The Langham Pasadena. He tells us how the Ashley/JP union is just one of many success stories the show has produced, including Trista and Ryan (weird and 90s, probably love the band Tonic), Molly and Jason (bitch ripped Melissa's man right out from under her, but now that she's pregs it's supposed to be cool with us), and those other couples who didn't meet on the actual show but drunkenly hooked up when the rejects get together a few times a year. 

We are treated to a recap of the Hebert/Rosenbaum "meet cute", if you consider getting played by a single Mormon father and then settling for the next best thing a "meet cute." The recap conveniently omits any sign of JP's creepy possessiveness, and what I consider to be the best scene of the season - Ben Flajnik paddling out to sea in a canoe.

But a montage of the present day shows that JP and Ashley's joint lives as boring people are in full swing! Ashley is thriving at her job of cleaning kids' teeth, and JP is shopping for apples on the street. They live in New Jersey, so Ashley can be near her residency in Philly, JP can be near his apple-buying gig, and they both can be near Danielle Staub. The cameras enter their boudoir so we can see them in bed together, but to my disappointment, they are not fucking. They're just, like, cuddling and shit. Next, we see them picking apples and eating them. What the fuck is with these people and apples? Are they implying that Ashley's a virgin? Wait - that's cherries. 

ABC airs a promo of Sean Lowe's season of The Bachelor, promising "drama." I hope the "drama" is just him coming out as an asexual. I would much prefer that over his feigned enthusiasm about sexin' the ladies, but then ducking out early from the cocktail parties to go play video games in his room. 

Ashley and JP meet their families at a hotel to announce that they've decided on a date. Is this the kind of thing people hold parties for nowadays? Congrats, you picked a number on the calendar. I guess so, because JP's mother, the Jewish Olympia Dukakis, seems thrilled. Ashley's walking tattoo of a sister admits she was wrong about JP, and is wasted. Great party! 

ABC shows gardeners preparing for the wedding on the hotel grounds, and throws in a token white guy. That racism lawsuit must have really made an impact.

Mindy Weiss is the lady who planned Ellen's wedding, and that's supposed to be impressive to us. The couple have only one preference for the event, and that is that it's kept "simple." Oh, and Ashley loves the color Dusty Rose. You guys really gave this woman a lot to work with! Wonder if they held a party to announce that they've decided on a simplicity theme.

J-Pashley drink wine on a blanket in the park. Damn, you can have alcohol in public parks in New Jersey? I thought the state was more strict on matters of this nature. Deena from Jersey Shore got arrested just for the minor offense of drunk-standing in the middle of traffic. They feed each other cupcakes and admire a photo of themselves from The Bachelorette, when they dressed in wedding clothes in Taiwan. It was a sign! But she also dressed in wedding clothes with, like, four other dudes, so I guess if she had ended up with any of them it still would have worked. 

Wedding planner Mindy Weiss throws together a sample room (is that what it's called?) for the couple. Ashley's really loving the flowers, and claims flowers are what every girl cares about most. Sure, every lame girl. Mindy shows Ashley a $7,500 dress her dog Boo could wear for the ceremony, but even a baller on a dentist's salary can admit that that's too extravagant. The party favors Mindy has chosen for their guests are some forget-me-not seeds with an accompanying poem. Again, with the plants? Don't ever let these two in your garden without stapling everything down.

At a dress shop that I haven't yet seen on TLC, which means it probably sucks, Ashley tries on her dress for her mom, Jewish Olympia Dukakis, and the walking tattoo. This girl is fit! Must be all that time on the pole (more on that later). She reveals that she's wearing pink shoes, and these women just about have an orgasm.

JP comes out of the dressing room in a white tuxedo. Is this a joke? Phew, it is. 
Time to pick out the rings at Neil Lane! How nice that Neil waits on customers himself. 
Back at the Langham, Chris Harrison trots out Molly and Jason so he can congratulate himself on someone from the show sticking it out for the long haul (two years or so). Molly's pregnant, and Jason's son Ty wants to name the baby "Ty Jr." This kid sounds like an idiot.

Both JP and Ashley are ending their single-people lives at the W Scottsdale. Wow, you two are really wild, holding your last hurrah in a car-dependent bedroom community! Ashley and her girls partake in mimosas and mani/pedis, while JP takes 20 random bros he found on the ASU campus to go race cars. After a long day of not having fun, Kate Gosselin, who's now employed as a pole dancing instructor, visits the ladies to teach them how to get freakay. But Ashley needs no instruction. After a hot minute of "who me?" faux modesty, girl humps that piece of metal so hard that Johnny Five shows up hoping to get in on the action.

Chris Harrison has been selected as the officiant for the wedding, and he sits J-Pashley down for some couples counseling. Dude, you just got divorced. Perhaps you should refer them to a licensed professional. For some reason, they let him conduct a pretty personal round of questioning, and reveal that they plan to let JP ejaculate in Ashley's womb without a prophylactic within the next year. 

Asexual Sean is up to bat with Chris Harrison for a one-on-one. He says he is "blown away" that women could actually be interesting, complex beings. This, in conjunction with his nut-popping crossed legs during the ceremony, supports my theory that he gets a boner for no one.

Ashley shows up at her bridal brunch with a blow-out and full-on stage makeup. Isn't she just going to have to get back in the shower and start over before the wedding? What a waste of perfectly good Rimmel. Ashley's mother reads a letter Ashley wrote as a child, expressing her desire to one day live in Jacksonville, Florida. That girl dreamed big. 

Meanwhile, JP stands alone on a porch to contemplate life. I guess his new friends from ASU had finals.

Finally, the big moment has arrived. The bridesmaids wear togas to walk down the aisle, JP wears a yarmulke, and Emily Maynard wears black to mourn the death of her race car driver fiance, who has been dead about seven years but you'd think it was last week the way she talks about it non-stop. Never forget.

Ashley struggles to get down the steps in her tight-ass dress. I hope the wedding party does "The Wobble" at the reception to acknowledge her difficulty walking. Once she makes it to the altar, Chris Harrison remarks that "opposites attract", because Ashley is so full of life, and kind, and cheerful, and cool. Ouch. CH clearly hates JP. 

Ashley's mom and the Jewish Olympia Dukakis read a blessing that's all about hands. And then, my DVR cut out, because I guess some people place a speech by the President above the wedding of the decade. So the suspense is killing me - did they end up getting married?

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