Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 11 - "Like to Move It, Move It"

Let us pray, before we talk mad shit behind each other's backs.

In Namibia, birthplace of David Banda Ritchie...

TJ LAVIN - Today, we're gonna do like they do in Louisiana.

TRISHELLE CANNATELLA  - Run around barefoot in a Popeye's? 

DUSTIN ZITO - Touch your little cousin's bathing suit parts? 

TJ LAVIN - Ok, no, to both of those. You're going to ride ATVs and swim. P.S. - Somebody might want to talk to the authorities about Dustin's cousin.

FRANK SWEENEY - Psssh, this challenge is a breeze. I float in the community pool for thirty minutes every afternoon.

TJ LAVIN - If you say so. Ashley, rev 'er up.

ASHLEY KELSEY - Here weeeee gooooooo!!!!! **ATV sputters, stops**

FRANK SWEENEY - **belly flops in the water two feet from the slide** Ow.

ASHLEY KELSEY - Sorry. I took my hands off the controller thingies and the quad mysteriously stopped.

TJ LAVIN - Well, the silver lining is that Frank didn't add to the vomit pile Sarah and Dustin created.

JONNA MANNION - Silver lining? For destitute homeless people like me, that's a feast.

ZACH NICHOLS - See? This is why I love this woman. **they kiss**

TJ LAVIN - Um, gross.

After Team Las Vegas wins the challenge...

TJ LAVIN -  Vegas, who do you select to go in the arena against Cancun?

TRISHELLE CANNATELLA  - Don't we get a full day to think and get in drunken fights about it?

TJ LAVIN - Nope. After Robb took off his shirt two times last week, MTV decided to change their policy so as not to blind any more viewers at home.

TRISHELLE CANNATELLA - Ok. **consults Dustin** We select San Diego, because they're bad people and we want them gone.

DUSTIN ZITO - It's nothing personal.

Back at the house, the teams eat dinner...

SAM MCGINN - Remember how everybody flew so far in the air except for Frank? HAHAHAHA!

**whispers to Ashley** Remember how Sam's a fat loser and you and I are the only serious competitors on this team?

ASHLEY KELSEY - I dunno, Frank... What about Zach? He's pretty serious about this.

**They turn to see Zach wearing a Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque and braiding Jonna's hair on the couch** 

ASHLEY KELSEY - Point taken.

At the arena...

SARAH RICE - Jonna, remember the strategy we talked about, which is to do better than the other team.

JONNA MANNION - Got it! **TJ blows air horn**

DEVYN SIMONE - **giving advice from the sidelines** Untie the rope fast!

CHET CANNON - Make sure the rope is straightened in a short amount of time!

JD ORDONEZ - Use your hands to take out the knots in the ropes, but do it quickly!

JONNA MANNION - AHHHH! There's so much competing advice from the sidelines that I don't know who to listen to!

DEREK CHAVEZ - I can't focus when people are using voices to talk out loud!

TJ LAVIN - Time's up. San Diego wins.

JONNA MANNION - I guess it's back to the poor house for me.

FRANK SWEENEY - Or no house.

ZACH NICHOLS - I'll miss you, Jonna. My parents have a shed on their property in Michigan that they'll let you crash in for a few weeks.  

JONNA MANNION - You're a saint, you know that? A saint with spotty, uneven facial hair. **they kiss goodbye**

In the desert...

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to the final challenge. Please board a little plane and prepare to jump out of it.

DEVYN SIMONE - Glad I used that extra bobby pin to secure my wig this morning. 

DUSTIN ZITO - Are we going to be jumping tandem with hotsexysmokin' sky-diving instructors of the male persuasion?

TJ LAVIN - I'm not sure what qualifies as hotsexysmokin', because I am heterosexual.

DUSTIN ZITO - Uh, me too, bro. No homo.  

TJ LAVIN - Once you all land safely on the ground -

SAM MCGINN - Or NOT safely, if God answers my prayers regarding Frank.

TJ LAVIN - Once you all land safely or not safely on the ground, you'll fart around in the dust for a few days like Okies.

CHET CANNON - My great-grandparents were Okies, you fucker.

TJ LAVIN - I'm sorry. Not that I joked about Okies, but that you are one.

The teams board little planes. To be continued...

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